Jayferr - Hello Poetry

I sit in the waiting room until I hear my name “Jennifer!?” I stand and follow the nurse into the tiny room As I sit she asks, “Last name and date of birth” She takes my blood pressure and temperature “Do you feel safe at home?” I answer yes for I live on my own. I feel safest by myself. “Any thoughts of suicide or self harm?” A pause “No” I quietly mutter outloud And on she goes Little does she know what’s going on inside my head I can just imagine the look on her face if I had spilled out everything “Well you see, I have extreme anxiety, I overanalyze every situation I’m in, I get panic attacks, I think about cutting at least twice a day, I contemplate suicide on the worst days and am depressed beyond belief But you’d never be able to tell just by looking at me. Even she wouldn’t know what to do. No one would know what to do Not even I For I argue with myself every night Back and forth Back and forth I don’t think I have the courage too Every time I get close I just can’t. Deep down I know the people who care about me would be devastated Maybe one day it’ll all go away And my mind will be clear Maybe... just maybe

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Sep 26, 2018

Sep 26, 2018 at 12:30 AM UTC

Jayferr

Well you see;

I sit in the waiting room until I hear my name “Jennifer!?” I stand and follow the nurse into the tiny room As I sit she asks, “Last name and date of birth” She takes my blood pressure and temperature “Do you feel safe at home?” I answer yes for I live on my own. I feel safest by myself. “Any thoughts of suicide or self harm?” A pause “No” I quietly mutter outloud And on she goes Little does she know what’s going on inside my head I can just imagine the look on her face if I had spilled out everything “Well you see, I have extreme anxiety, I overanalyze every situation I’m in, I get panic attacks, I think about cutting at least twice a day, I contemplate suicide on the worst days and am depressed beyond belief But you’d never be able to tell just by looking at me. Even she wouldn’t know what to do. No one would know what to do Not even I For I argue with myself every night Back and forth Back and forth I don’t think I have the courage too Every time I get close I just can’t. Deep down I know the people who care about me would be devastated Maybe one day it’ll all go away And my mind will be clear Maybe... just maybe

29

Skin You have the same skin throughout your whole life Yet how is it possible to feel like you’re not in your own skin? This is not me But yet here I am in front of the mirror Layers and layers they pile on Tears stream down my face for I don’t recognize myself anymore. Tempted to cut it all off But then they will see See how much pain I’m in And I can’t handle that. I can’t handle any of this My life is spirling out of control and all I can do is just stand here Looking at the mirror wondering where I went And if I’ll ever come back

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Sep 26, 2018

Sep 26, 2018 at 12:01 AM UTC

Jayferr

Skin

Skin You have the same skin throughout your whole life Yet how is it possible to feel like you’re not in your own skin? This is not me But yet here I am in front of the mirror Layers and layers they pile on Tears stream down my face for I don’t recognize myself anymore. Tempted to cut it all off But then they will see See how much pain I’m in And I can’t handle that. I can’t handle any of this My life is spirling out of control and all I can do is just stand here Looking at the mirror wondering where I went And if I’ll ever come back

15

Do you ever wake up and feel like you haven’t slept a minute? Do you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person you see? Do you go to your job and slug through the day? Do you skip meals because all you want to do is sleep? Do you let your mood swings ruin your day? Do you snap at those you love? Do you realize all these things but can’t muster the strength to fix it? Do you cry yourself to sleep with the though of how much you hate who you’ve become? Do you make plans to change but never follow through? Do people leave you in the dust like you never even mattered? Do you count down the hours until you can be alone And then sit alone while you’re depression swallows you whole. Do you wish things could go back to the way they were? But deep down you know they never will. Do you feel stuck Or like you’re going into a fight blind? You’ll come out with bruises yet you’ll do it again Do you want to run your fingers across the blade? But don’t because your loved ones will criticize you for it How can I fix this? Please someone tell me

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Aug 2, 2018

Aug 2, 2018 at 12:41 AM UTC

Jayferr

Numb

Do you ever wake up and feel like you haven’t slept a minute? Do you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person you see? Do you go to your job and slug through the day? Do you skip meals because all you want to do is sleep? Do you let your mood swings ruin your day? Do you snap at those you love? Do you realize all these things but can’t muster the strength to fix it? Do you cry yourself to sleep with the though of how much you hate who you’ve become? Do you make plans to change but never follow through? Do people leave you in the dust like you never even mattered? Do you count down the hours until you can be alone And then sit alone while you’re depression swallows you whole. Do you wish things could go back to the way they were? But deep down you know they never will. Do you feel stuck Or like you’re going into a fight blind? You’ll come out with bruises yet you’ll do it again Do you want to run your fingers across the blade? But don’t because your loved ones will criticize you for it How can I fix this? Please someone tell me

21

Cassandra I miss you I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true I miss your face Your laugh How close we were I considered you my little sister Then there came a day where that all changed And it’s all my fault I was blinded And I apologize Now you want nothing to do with me And I don’t blame you But it kills me inside knowing you’ve blocked me from your life I recently saw your instagram For the first time in years You’re so beautiful Don’t let anyone tell you different I wish I could be in those pictures with you I want to make you smile again I hope there comes a day where you can forgive me And we can be close again Because I truly do miss you

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Aug 2, 2018

Aug 2, 2018 at 12:37 AM UTC

Jayferr

Cassandra

Cassandra I miss you I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true I miss your face Your laugh How close we were I considered you my little sister Then there came a day where that all changed And it’s all my fault I was blinded And I apologize Now you want nothing to do with me And I don’t blame you But it kills me inside knowing you’ve blocked me from your life I recently saw your instagram For the first time in years You’re so beautiful Don’t let anyone tell you different I wish I could be in those pictures with you I want to make you smile again I hope there comes a day where you can forgive me And we can be close again Because I truly do miss you

23

I close my eyes and all I can see are flashes from that night. Its quiet, yet I’m wide awake One more episode then bed A strange odor fills the room Smoke Panic sets in Body’s rushing through the house The sound of fire trucks in the distance Smoke Thick grey and black tornados A loud pop as all the windows shatter Then silence Flames seep through the windows and doors It’s climbing through the house All I can do is sit and watch as the smoke fills the sky Nothing’s left but an outline of a house that’s no longer a home

0

Apr 19, 2018

Apr 19, 2018 at 6:52 PM UTC

Jayferr

Smoke

I close my eyes and all I can see are flashes from that night. Its quiet, yet I’m wide awake One more episode then bed A strange odor fills the room Smoke Panic sets in Body’s rushing through the house The sound of fire trucks in the distance Smoke Thick grey and black tornados A loud pop as all the windows shatter Then silence Flames seep through the windows and doors It’s climbing through the house All I can do is sit and watch as the smoke fills the sky Nothing’s left but an outline of a house that’s no longer a home

16

We scroll through Facebook to hide our emotions While posting about things to make it seem as though we have emotions Voicing our opinion on things that won’t even matter in the morning. Week by week wasting time on things that don’t matter While running from what we know we need to do. Why are we so afraid? Maybe it’s the thought of putting in all the work and then still have nothing to show for it. How do we know what we want ten years from now when we can’t even decide what to have for dinner tonight Stress adds up which makes us feel down Motivation is hard to find when you don’t know where you’re going. Close friends becomes distant memories And suddenly you’re all alone with every decision you’ve ever made. Scary isn’t it?

0

Apr 17, 2018

Apr 17, 2018 at 8:49 AM UTC

Jayferr

Late Night Thoughts

We scroll through Facebook to hide our emotions While posting about things to make it seem as though we have emotions Voicing our opinion on things that won’t even matter in the morning. Week by week wasting time on things that don’t matter While running from what we know we need to do. Why are we so afraid? Maybe it’s the thought of putting in all the work and then still have nothing to show for it. How do we know what we want ten years from now when we can’t even decide what to have for dinner tonight Stress adds up which makes us feel down Motivation is hard to find when you don’t know where you’re going. Close friends becomes distant memories And suddenly you’re all alone with every decision you’ve ever made. Scary isn’t it?

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