writing is my escape
from the cell i created
for myself
Feb 27, 2019
Feb 27, 2019 at 2:56 AM UTC
613 200 Hours
25 550 Days
13 Cars
11 Jobs
9 Dogs
6 Surgeries
5 Children
4 Grandchildren
3 Marriages
2 Siblings
1 Weary soul.
No regrets.
Feb 27, 2019
Feb 27, 2019 at 2:56 AM UTC
If there was one word
One word, isolated by itself
That I cannot stand above all others
It would have to be "Okay"
I despise "Okay"
"Okay"
Is how your millionth day at work went
"Okay"
Is off-brand raisin bran
"Okay"
Is how you say life is going
When you don't want to admit you spend
Every second of it
Wanting to die
"Okay"
Is packed to the brim with
Hidden implications
Like a treasure chest
Filled with bottles
With little subliminal hatreds
Written on tiny slips of paper
Passively aggressively pushed inside
To discover later
As I pull out a treasure map
And try to decipher
Where I went wrong
"Okay"
Is a one word dismissal
That feels like an essay a thousand pages long
"Okay"
Is a poison dripping with disinterest
When I dared to share with you
Something I thought might make you smile
"Okay"
Is like trying to talk to a wall
While watching the paint on it dry
"Okay"
Takes two seconds to write
Yet I waited days
For that dreaded word
To grace my notifications
"Okay"
Should be used sparingly
As if each time you send it
You **** the receiver just a little bit
"Okay"
Should not be said so often that
I know what you're about to say
Like I saw it in a crystal ball
"Okay"
Is not looking up from your phone
When I tell you about my day
"Okay"
Is not the proper response
To "I love you"
They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred
It's indifference
And I can't think of a response
More indifferent to pouring out
My heart into your hands
Than "Okay"
At least the last thing you said to me
Before we parted ways
Showed that you cared
At least a little bit
"I hate you"
Stung less
Than the thousands of times
Over our countless conversations
You responded
"Okay"
Okay?
Feb 27, 2019
Feb 27, 2019 at 2:56 AM UTC
When you grow with a hole inside you
It doesn’t get smaller
It grows with you
Black pit that seems endless
You put things inside
Friends, clothes, make-up, stories you’ve read
All of them drown
Too heavy not to fall
You try to fill it with dirt
Quick romance, alcohol, distractions
They seem to fly over it
Never even touching
This black hole doesn’t like
Memories you would better forget
It only eats those
Which keep you calm
You live next to it
Around it
Sitting on the bank
Wandering how long is the way down
You had expected to get rid of it
As you grew up
Yet it seems like this is your only friend
Always staying by your side
You often feel alone, especially here
There is no one beside you inside your head
Only you and this dark hole
Taking more and more space
You’ve considered letting go
Finding how far is the way
Maybe you will sprout wings
Pearly feathers dancing around
You will then fly away
Forget about the past
Reach this promised land
You only visit in your dreams
But you know that it’s a one-way road
Only leading deeper and deeper inside
Even know you are too deep
And you don’t know if it’s worth the risk
So you sit next to it
Dreaming of wings and better worlds
One day you may take a leap down
But it’s not today
Feb 27, 2019
Feb 27, 2019 at 2:52 AM UTC
I'm scared to see
What lies beyond these doors
The gate to my future
Whats in store?
I'm scared to let go
Of my high school freedom
Graduation is near
Times passing like the seasons
I'm scared to know
What reality has to offer
I'm not at all prepared
I'm like a lamb to the slaughter
I'm scared to find out
Which of my friends will stay
Who are the real ones
And which ones will fade
I'm scared to hold
All the power of my life
Making such a crucial choice
Cutting through me like a knife
I dont want to be scared
Of what I have now
I want to enjoy life
I'm not exactly sure how
I'll think about my future
And all that is to come
When reality comes knocking
By then I'll be done
Change will happen
Slowly throughout time
I'll take it as it comes
Dont stress in the meantime
I won't be scared.
Feb 26, 2019
Feb 26, 2019 at 9:35 AM UTC
In my dream
I was in love
With a boy with skin like stardust
And eyes full of hope
We took over the world
Found new friends
Fought our enemies
Conquered the stars
My boy had a smile
Like set of razors side by side
Ready to cut down
Anyone who opposed us
He loved me
With his whole heart
Made me a queen
Of the universe I’ve made up
We travelled together
In a ship made of comets
Sharing our vision
With other planets
Sometimes we lingered
In our beautiful garden
With plants of every kind
I could sit there for hours
There were troubles in our paradise
Revolts, wars, a plague or two
Yet with his sharp mind
We always found a way out
His hands wrinkled with time
No longer a boy, but always in my heart
We had no children, but our legacy
Would survive in the memory of millions
Eyes bright like the sun
Turned into supernovas alike
He would sit by my side
As I read aloud
I grew old too
Joints squeaking with every move
Eyes no longer recognising
Our flowers from afar
Then there came a day
When he couldn’t get up
So, I stayed by his side
Worrying that this moment would be our last
He wanted to tell me something
Something to remember him by
With fragile hands he took my face
His skin feeling like sand
My heart was crying for him
Yet, I tried to look strong
He opened his lips
Letting out a breath…
That’s when I woke up
Lying inside my bed
My love dying alone somewhere in my mind
I tried to get back,
To know what he wanted to say
Yet as time moved on
I couldn’t even remember his face
Only the stars that shone above us
As we lied on the grass
His quiet breath as I read him
A story about us
Feb 23, 2019
Feb 23, 2019 at 8:05 AM UTC