Goldilost - Hello Poetry

My therapist told me that I was in an abusive relationship. I laughed, and said I know. You see, when your whole life you've been neglected, abused, and taken advantage of, you search for small pieces of that in your soulmate. I've turned down many men who would've treated me "right" but all I craved was wrong. If they were never broken themselves how could they ever understand my pieces. I know it's not pretty, but I don't want to date a pretty man. I don't want a man who eats privilege for breakfast in the morning, or had his whole life planned out for him before he was even born. Every time I have a bad day I don't need to be greeted with chocolate and roses, I wouldn't even know how to accept that. When he roars I see fire and it ignites my lust for him, it's how I was taught love. When he pushes me I find peace in the words of comfort after. I don't want a man who could punch me in the face, but sometimes when he gets mad I need that. It's how broken people were taught to love. I chase the danger that our loves sparks. So dear therapist, Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. The day he put his hands around my throat, or injures my essence, is the day I walk out the door. Don't worry therapist. I know what I'm doing, I know what I've gotten myself into. Walking away is what I'm good at. I've been practicing my whole life.

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Dec 19, 2017

Dec 19, 2017 at 6:37 PM UTC

Goldilost

Dear therapist

My therapist told me that I was in an abusive relationship. I laughed, and said I know. You see, when your whole life you've been neglected, abused, and taken advantage of, you search for small pieces of that in your soulmate. I've turned down many men who would've treated me "right" but all I craved was wrong. If they were never broken themselves how could they ever understand my pieces. I know it's not pretty, but I don't want to date a pretty man. I don't want a man who eats privilege for breakfast in the morning, or had his whole life planned out for him before he was even born. Every time I have a bad day I don't need to be greeted with chocolate and roses, I wouldn't even know how to accept that. When he roars I see fire and it ignites my lust for him, it's how I was taught love. When he pushes me I find peace in the words of comfort after. I don't want a man who could punch me in the face, but sometimes when he gets mad I need that. It's how broken people were taught to love. I chase the danger that our loves sparks. So dear therapist, Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. The day he put his hands around my throat, or injures my essence, is the day I walk out the door. Don't worry therapist. I know what I'm doing, I know what I've gotten myself into. Walking away is what I'm good at. I've been practicing my whole life.

20

Drowning in my lack of self-confidence I feel like a match with nothing to light just a burning flame a tiny spark to the night my fire used to roar burning my obstacles to the ground now it feels nearly impossible to get out of bed life goes up-and-down Losing myself in this mind I call home but home feels more like prison and in here I'm all alone barely making bills hardly making ends wasting away my life playing pretend life goes up-and-down Drifting in this body I was given made bad choices never forgiven hardly living only surviving in the world I should be thriving instead I'm stuck in this rat race constantly searching for love in a world full of hate does it even matter when death is all of our fate life goes up-and-down

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Dec 7, 2017

Dec 7, 2017 at 2:56 AM UTC

Goldilost

up or down

Drowning in my lack of self-confidence I feel like a match with nothing to light just a burning flame a tiny spark to the night my fire used to roar burning my obstacles to the ground now it feels nearly impossible to get out of bed life goes up-and-down Losing myself in this mind I call home but home feels more like prison and in here I'm all alone barely making bills hardly making ends wasting away my life playing pretend life goes up-and-down Drifting in this body I was given made bad choices never forgiven hardly living only surviving in the world I should be thriving instead I'm stuck in this rat race constantly searching for love in a world full of hate does it even matter when death is all of our fate life goes up-and-down

31

Sinking through the bathroom floor Lying in my own thoughts Maybe they're tears I don't know the difference anymore Covered in disgust for myself Or maybe it's ***** The worlds out of focus Or maybe the rooms shaking Never mind, that's just me Falling through the floor Being caught over and over in a web of regret Am I the spider or its pray? Blood, and ***** pouring down the drain Silence fills the bathtub It's raining, never mind, that's the shower The waters salty Never mind, it's red All this time, Waiting to feel anything besides my thoughts Why does it hurt so bad?

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Dec 6, 2017

Dec 6, 2017 at 4:12 PM UTC

Goldilost

never mind

Sinking through the bathroom floor Lying in my own thoughts Maybe they're tears I don't know the difference anymore Covered in disgust for myself Or maybe it's ***** The worlds out of focus Or maybe the rooms shaking Never mind, that's just me Falling through the floor Being caught over and over in a web of regret Am I the spider or its pray? Blood, and ***** pouring down the drain Silence fills the bathtub It's raining, never mind, that's the shower The waters salty Never mind, it's red All this time, Waiting to feel anything besides my thoughts Why does it hurt so bad?

21