I have a sadness so deep and empty it's hides just below the surface
This sadness consumes and eats away my soul and I fill the void the only way I know how
I inhale the the smoke and breath out the blackest parts of my existence
When the smoke stopped working I started burning herbs to exercise my demons
When the burning herbs stopped lighting up the darkness persistent even in they day I took to alchemy
I mixed a potion so potent I never remembered the pain and darkness that consumed me night and day
Eventually the potions were not enough I found this magic pill
The pill killed the pain but only when I realized I couldn't quit did I find out I had lost myself so wholly and unimaginably that even the people who said they would never leave and never judge were gone
When I woke for one unbearable second I realized I had pushed away everything
I had given up everything for one thing
I'm stuck trying to give up one thing for everything
All I want is to give up this addiction for the one person who hasn't given up one me
May 13
May 13, 2026 at 7:55 PM UTC
I just...stopped
caring
living
trying
feeling
eating
wearing short sleeves
smiling
giving
I started
smoking
masking
counting calories
running
cutting
crying
staying up late
making showers hurt again
I just ....stopped
Jan 4, 2023
Jan 4, 2023 at 5:51 PM UTC
Yeah I'm better now
Im better in the snese that hot showers no longer hurt
I'm better now in the sense that when I see a razor it isn't mt first thought
I'm better now in the sense that no longer do I have to wear long sleeves
I'm better in the sense that my only thought isn't what if it all just stopped
Yeah I'm ok now
I'm ok in the way that I exersise to the point I pass out
I'm ok in the way that I eat one meal a day
I'm ok in the way that 1:00am is an early night
I'm ok in the way that I eat "healthy" now
Im Better now
I promise
Jan 4, 2023
Jan 4, 2023 at 3:13 PM UTC
There is no g*n to my head
There are no p*lls in my hand
But a slow sucicide is my poisin
Small smiles
Tight laughs
Small cuts
"Partying"
Slow sucicide is how I die
Playing in snow
Eating air
Sleeping days
Caffine nights
Slow suicide is my choice
Silver pens
Red paint
Smoky lungs
Whisky breath
Slow suicide is a petty death
Braclet wrists
Long sleeves
Empty ribs
Cold hands
Slow Suicide
Oct 4, 2022
Oct 4, 2022 at 12:04 PM UTC
Unlike you I can't sit still
Unlike you I cant focus
Unlike you every sound pounds my brain
like a hammering fist till my vision is blurry
like a dog whistle screaching at pitches you could never hear
rattling my brain
Unlike you I can't understand jokes
Unlike you I can't do things that are of no intrest
Unlike you I cant stand the feeling of the shirt on my back
like snadpaper scrating my skin wraw
like a snake squeezing the air out of my lungs untill I can no longer breath
Breaking my ribs
Apr 14, 2022
Apr 14, 2022 at 2:31 PM UTC
Hi
Hello
Im back again
You said I was fine
These breathes aren't working
Nic is the boyfriend I rely to much on
SH is the girlfriend who never ceases to let me down
Feb 7, 2022
Feb 7, 2022 at 12:58 PM UTC
Running laps in my mind
I must admit that in hind sight this was miastake
The clock striking the twelfth hour for the third day
No way that this is happending
Thought I was asleep but to no luck I have found
My mind stuck on your face
I must say this race I see ahead to who will last be standing
Intrugied by your endless stare
It is rare I can hold the contact
You scare me
Oh how how you frighten me with how captivating you are
As trails of crimson leach from my skin
You and I have found a kin
In minds ever so broken to be
We
Feb 7, 2022
Feb 7, 2022 at 11:46 AM UTC
No one understands me
Just get to tell me what I feel
Tell me they're here to help
I'm like a cup of tea
Every bump in the road more Tea escapes
Living on a tilted slope
Running from the water rushing twords me
Falling down the rabbit hole of thoughs
Mad as a hatter is me
Carzy as the chesier cat
Calm as the rabbit
Insane as the red queen
Blood falling from my smiling mouth
Think im crazy
Staying stuck in the moment
Spilling tea on me
Teacup spilling my my brains like boiling liquid
Boiling my skin
Cant let in the light
Blacked out
Never getting out
Teacup spilling
Feb 1, 2022
Feb 1, 2022 at 2:04 PM UTC
Food settles in my stoach like a weight has been dropped on my head
The fat settles around my bones weighing me down
10 cal
20 cal
240cal
270 cal total
only have room for 30 more
Dinner
Too much food
I can't do it
Huddled on the cold bathroom floor
I don't know what else to do
I can feel my fat settle around me when I sit
When I run
When I look in the mirror
My shirt diesn't fit correctly
I can't pull my pants over my hips
Though I know it's becuse my mum dired them
My brain won't belive its true
Ive been told I'm skin and bones
But all i feel is fat
I pass out every class but no one sees that
I'm so tiered.
Jan 17, 2022
Jan 17, 2022 at 2:41 PM UTC
A tourture that breaks and distorts my mind
Every calorie cafrefully chosen
Written in a journal
Every thing ive eaten since 8th grade
No breakfast
Running out the door a weitght in my stomach
No lunch
Drinking a monster
10 more calories than I need
Vaping in the bathroom
Dinner
Dreaded dinner
I have to sit and eat with my family
No excuses
Work it off after dinner
Do I go there
Do I sit on the floor racking my lungs
I can feel the fat settle on my bones
Crying myself to sleep
Repeat
Jan 17, 2022
Jan 17, 2022 at 1:09 PM UTC