I’ve always been number two even in utero. Baby B here,
I’d always hear
“Buy one get one free”
Was that my worth?
The “package deal”
“Free.99”
Extra?
Or
Nothing?
Is that what I’m worth?
I’m 25 and still terrified of life.
Forced to be in the shadows and people please; when inside I’m tired of fighting.
And that scares me,
But the fear of being too much of a burden weighs heavily in my heart like the ink and blood meeting in the skin creating signatures of the people who left me behind.
To the ones who gave up;
To the one who forgot or just never cared.
I guess I’ll always be the extra baggage.
Number 2,
Baby B.
Where’s Number 1?
They don’t have the extra baggage anymore.
They always make it work.
They make life look easy.
It’s hard being proud and jealous of the person you love the most.
That’s a hard pill to swallow.
Knowing they’d do fine without you.
It’s confusing cause they’ve never needed me to begin with so what changed?
Baby A will always be ok.
Baby B is the after thought.
Even to Baby B herself.
Baby A is the priority,
The golden child.
Baby B always just had to be fine with being number 2.
And that was that cause at least Baby A was happy.
Now Baby B remembers what it feels like to be alone.
Forgotten.
She’ll figure it out somehow,
Someday,
Alone.
Aug 2, 2025
Aug 2, 2025 at 8:02 PM UTC
The new year will start with a sigh and smile.
Tears running down my face,
Saying we made it.
Over a year clean,
Being a survivor instead of living as a forever victim,
Proud of the growth and changes I’ve made.
Looking back I wouldn’t do a single thing differently.
I’ve started to grow into the woman I deserve to be and learned to heal me and my inner child when all I wanna do is give up.
I learned to love harder,
Be stronger,
And most importantly have faith.
This new year I shed the skin of the old me like a snakes sheds their skin and rejoice in a new light feeling free and warm.
Everything doesn’t have to be ok for me to learn how to live in peace.
Sometimes we thrive and learn to evolve while fighting in the trenches.
We discover what really matters.
To me what matters is my family,
Our health,
Our commitment to one another,
And our love that’s never ending.
This new year I celebrate not just me changing with the tides as they roll towards us but also me learning to move with them.
We can only set ourselves free,
Then we feel the calmness of the waves slowing to match our heartbeat.
This new year I will show the new me and be proud of the progress I’ve made,
The battles I’ve won,
And the tears I’ve shed.
Because all of tat has helped me to understand that no matter how long or short our lives are the only thing we truly have control over is ourselves and how we move the puzzle pieces around to find our place in the world.
My place is in the words I write,
The love I give,
The journey I’ve taken.
So as the new year approaches I pray that each step brings more calmness into my heart and mind so that the me I deserve to be can shine.
It’s gunna be a new year,
And I intend to be a better and new version of myself.
No longer will I wallow and hide,
Instead I’ll come out from under the table and allow myself to feel and process and learn to accept what I’ve been given and use my words to express myself in every way.
My words and life are enough.
So here’s to a new beginning of self acceptance and self discovery.
May we all come out the other side filled with peace and love and happiness for what we have.
Happy new year from my family to yours.
Dec 7, 2024
Dec 7, 2024 at 9:40 PM UTC
They say every 7 years
Your skin regenerates.
So why do I still feel the remnants of his touch?
It doesn’t matter how long it’s been,
Every day,
Every hour,
Every second,
I feel his touch.
I remember the shame,
The pain,
The blame…
No time goes by when I don’t suffer the consequences of his sick sins.
Why me?
I lost something so early,
And I didn’t even know I could say NO!
Or to even speak to someone,
I was forever that scared little girl with no voice.
But not anymore.
That girl grew up.
Yes I still feel his fingertips on my skin,
His breath hovering over me,
I feel the phantom pains of his abuse.
But I’ve been afraid for too long.
No more.
My voice matters.
I can’t change what he did to me,
For years,
My whole childhood gone,
Scared into silence.
I didn’t know I had worth,
But I do.
So it’s time to heal.
If only it were as easy to do as it is to say.
It doesn't mean I wont still feel the ghost of him surrounding me,
Or have the constant reminder.
But maybe,
Just maybe,
It’ll get better.
I’m learning my worth,
I’m learning my strength,
I’m learning how to use my voice.
Nothing can take that away,
Not anymore.
I refuse to live in fear forever.
So I’ll learn how to live my life the way I wish and always dreamed I could.
I’ll find the small joys in life again.
Because what he did doesn’t define who I am.
I’m not a scared child with no idea how to use my voice or the power behind it.
So now I’ll scream from the rooftops,
I’m a brave, strong person.
I’m a survivor.
I’m alive,
And I’ll learn how to be ok.
Dec 26, 2023
Dec 26, 2023 at 10:54 AM UTC
I may be a bit out there but at least I’m honest.
I don’t hurt on purpose.
I don’t steal.
But I was there for you.
Dumb, mostly me for believing you.
I would’ve done anything,
But you went too far,
Too many times.
So I’m done.
Done with you and your wack attitude.
Blaming everyone for your problems instead of trying to change them.
I’m healing.
I was there for the last time cause you thought I wouldn’t catch you in your scam or manipulation.
I’m good girl.
Live your life,
I’ll live mine.
I can finally be happy nothings messing with my life anymore unless I choose it.
So goodbye,
go pull your tricks but leave me out of it.
I’m out, peace.
Feb 12, 2023
Feb 12, 2023 at 8:04 PM UTC
It’s just another day,
Another day of sleeping so the feelings go away,
So the memories of you flee my mind and finally I feel semi-free.
Because you’re still there, in my nightmares.
But at least I wake up! Right?
Just another day,
Another session,
And even more loneliness.
Though I’d never admit that.
Another day of lying to myself that I’m ok when in fact I’m holding it together by little threads slowly but surely knowing the seams will eventually tear and it’ll be just another breakdown.
I need another day,
To figure out what ok means to me.
Cause if you were to ask today I’d say ok to me means at least I’m not dead.
But another day and maybe it’ll change. Right?
Maybe a couple more days,
Or months,
Hell years,
But as long as I’m ok right?
Just another day.
I wake up and take my medicine and pray for better days and a better mind.
All I can do is pray and hope.
Just another day.
Jan 30, 2023
Jan 30, 2023 at 7:37 PM UTC
I’m terrible.
Quite frankly I hate myself.
I just wish I wouldn’t wake up most mornings.
But alas I’m here.
What’s my point?
I’m nobody…
Who would really miss the **** I put everyone through.
They deserve a break.
But I’m here,
Just sad.
May 3, 2022
May 3, 2022 at 7:16 PM UTC
My head spins in circles,
Confused,
Scared,
Angry,
Tired.
I just wanna be ok.
It hurts just to wake up and keep going everyday.
I just wish I could finally be ok.
Not in my head and free of the intrusive thought always racking my brain.
I just wanna feel worthy.
But I don’t.
I just wanna be ok.
Feb 22, 2022
Feb 22, 2022 at 8:04 PM UTC
Here I go,
Feeling lonely again.
Trying to stay out of the dark part of my subconscious.
It’s so hard,
Trying to stay sane.
I’m just so tired of it all.
Nov 20, 2021
Nov 20, 2021 at 5:05 PM UTC
I deserve it?
I need it,
I crave it,
Just let me dance with the devil.
Please take my sou,
Drain me dry.
I can’t get enough.
Help me please!
I’m ******
Dancing with the devil.
It’s so hard to say no!
Please…
Why don’t I just stop?
I’ve tried,
It’s just so hard to say no when you’re dancing with the devil.
Aug 27, 2021
Aug 27, 2021 at 7:31 PM UTC
I have to say,
You’re my guilty pleasure.
You make me smile and squirm all in one moment.
You appreciate me.
You love me.
You adore me.
Never stop being my guilty pleasure,
Because my love you’re all I need.
Aug 13, 2021
Aug 13, 2021 at 8:20 AM UTC