I’ve been staying up late.
Waiting on that 4 am call.
You can’t sleep.
You’re sad.
You’re drunk.
You miss me.
You’re happy.
You need me.
I’m waiting to hear your voice.
Hear your muffled laugh through the phone.
Last time you called I never took my face from that phone.
Feeling your voice right next to me made me feel at home.
I want to hear what’s happening.
I want to know your new favorite song. I want to tell you about mine.
I want to know how your day went.
How your moms doing.
I want to know what you want to do next with your car; even though I used to hate hearing about it.
Tell me about your new passions.
Fears.
Wants.
You’re new must haves
Or never do’s.
Tell me what’s on your mind all the time.
Or now.
Or last week.
Even last month.
I want to know it all.
I want to call you.
I want you to know everything new about me too.
I want you to care.
Give me advice
Tell me everything’s alright or Im overreacting.
I want your input
I want to hear your views
Let’s argue
Tell me I’m wrong
I’ll tell you you’re right.
I want to hear you yelling at that video game you play.
I want to tell you to shut up
Or speak up.
I want to hear you snore.
I want to text you “call me”
And immediately get a call.
I
I want you.
May 23, 2019
May 23, 2019 at 5:55 PM UTC
It’s back
It came back slowly
It creeped through the walls I’ve built trying to keep it out.
It wrapped around my mind.
It consumed my thoughts, my laugh, my life.
It paralyzed me.
It made sure I stayed in bed while my friends were out making memories, then drew dark clouds over all of my favorites.
It makes me angry but never hungry.
It makes me want to hide.
It makes me want to scream but it makes me too nervous to make a sound.
It comes and goes.
It likes to come more than go
And stay rather than visit.
It pushes me away yet draws me closer.
I kick and scream in my dreams but it always comes back to me.
May 22, 2019
May 22, 2019 at 9:51 PM UTC
Today was perfect
The windows were down
Indies music playing
And my favorite people were around
They make every sunset beautiful
every tear less sad
Every smile more meaningful
Every high more enjoyable
And every memory memorable.
May 22, 2019
May 22, 2019 at 3:16 AM UTC
Little siblings,
please stop growing.
I wasn’t there for your first words.
Your first steps.
Your first days of school.
Your first anything.
Little siblings,
I know you don’t understand the world around you.
Why you don’t see me like you should
I wish I could hide you, you’ll never feel pain.
Little siblings,
I wish I could teach you about life
Good music
God
manners
And morals
Little siblings,
I want to be the perfect role model for you
I want to show you that family can be together
I want to show you a good life.
I want you to see where working hard,
Living for God,
And never being afriad to ask for help can get you.
Little siblings,
I see the world in your tiny eyes
And I hope I become someone you look up to.
I know you see me as strong, caring, and loving.
And I want to continue showing you that I am.
Little brother,
You came at the perfect time
You put light in my life I didn’t know I needed
You call me beautiful every time I see you
You give me big hugs that warm my heart.
Little sister,
I held you and I knew I had to build myself into the women I want you to be.
I know I’m not perfect but in your eyes I am.
You yell ***** when you see me
You give me big hugs that warm my heart.
Little siblings,
I wish your laugh could always fill my room
I wish I could see you like I should
You used to be so tiny
Where has the time gone?
“Big sister” feels so important
Big sister has to be perfect for you
Big sister wants to be there more
Big sister wants to watch you grow
Big sister will always be someone you can rely on
Call upon
A helping hand
A loving hug
A long talk
Big sister can be someone you laugh with
Or cry with
Big sister will always love you
Never judge you
And always support you.
Feb 26, 2019
Feb 26, 2019 at 2:23 AM UTC
I tell my friends I don’t think of you. I breathe out a sigh of relief. Lying isn’t hard anymore. I do it everyday. Like that time we bumped into each other and I told you I hate your guts. You smiled but I think that’s because you’re the only person that’s actually good at calling my ******** I tell you my life is amazing without you. That I am actually doing better in the absence of you. You tell me that you’re doing great also. **** I pictured this situation at 3 am once and this is not how went at all. Now I’m staring at my fries wondering if we’re both bluffing. Looking stupid- as always. I’m not good at much but I think my notable talent is looking like an absolute idiot every time you’re around. You shouldn’t give me butterflies anymore. I always hated butterflies but maybe that’s because picturing bugs that eat dead things sometimes in my stomach isn’t my favorite thing to think about. Anyway- you make me nervous. I blame this on the lack of you in my life these days. But who am I kidding, you’ve always made me feel this way from the time I met you til the day you left me. I try to act cool and collected but instead I’m just making myself look like I eat wacky snackies in my free time. You’ve always given me that look you gave me that day I always have a hard time Deciphering weather you’re looking at me lovingly or if you’re just trying to find out why this mess of a human is talking to you. We never saw eye to eye but sometimes I swear I must’ve been speaking a made up language to you because you never understood a **** thing I was saying. Or maybe that’s just because you’re a man. Sometimes you’d be talking to me and I’d just stare at you because I had no actual idea what you were talking about. But that’s because im a women. So you get the point. I try to strike up a conversation on top of the one that died a few seconds ago but when you’re done talking that’s usually it. I get about five minutes to wow you and it’s back to us being strangers. And then I walk away wondering what I said wrong or what I should’ve said instead. But the truth that you want so badly is that this is exhausting. I wish I could be myself and you love me but you don’t love me either way so, why do I still try. I shouldn’t. And Im done trying and no this time you can’t call ********
Jan 22, 2019
Jan 22, 2019 at 7:21 PM UTC
Talking to you the other night made me realize I definitely should’ve written down every time I thought of you; or thought of being with you talking to you made me realize that maybe I’m not so crazy for missing you so much. We got to talk for hours, but I wasn’t able to tell about every day in the last six months even though I really wish I could’ve. We cracked jokes and I saw your smile and my heart melted. I thought of how every time I got to see that smile when you were mine all I could do was thank god you were mine. There were awkward moments of silence but I was just thankful to have those moments with you.
Jan 22, 2019
Jan 22, 2019 at 6:47 PM UTC
When I say I still love you
Part of me knows it’s not you
That I am still loving
But the way it felt to be yours
The other boys will never
Love me
Not like you did.
They can touch me but
My heart will never race
As it did in your embrace
They can buy me roses
But their smile
Will never compare to yours
When you see mine
They can complement me
But they don’t mean it
Not like you did
I could see that in your eyes
The way you looked at me
They could try to comfort me
But they’ll never make me feel better
They wouldn’t know how to hold me
Or what to say
They could give me attention
But what good is that
If I’m only craving yours
They could make my favorite foods
But their cooking would never be as good as yours
I could cook with them but
They wouldn’t dance to
Your favorite songs with me
They could carry my books to class
Or walk by my side
But I’d only be dreaming of you
They could tell me they’re so proud of me
But you’re the only one I’m going on for
At the end of the day I want to call
YOU
I wanna tell
YOU
About everything
I wanna kiss
YOUR
lips
And I wanna feel
YOUR
Skin
I wanna hear your voice
Your laugh
I wanna see you smile
I want you to strive
The boys they can want me
But they’ll never love me
Not like you did
Jan 22, 2019
Jan 22, 2019 at 12:27 AM UTC
You're misunderstood
your laughter always fills the room
and when peoples happiness is absent
yours is always present
However, you're not always happy
you hide your pain from the world
you're a jokester
some people don't get it, but I always do
you never know how to make up your mind but that isn't always a bad thing
some days we go to 1000 different places
but any day with you is an adventure
anytime you're around I can count on
feeling a little better
and
laughing until I cant breathe
you're the strongest person I know
but you're also sensitive
you sting just like anyone else would sting
sometimes you're too hard on yourself
sometimes you make mistakes but so does everyone
you always tell me to pray for you
even if you don't believe
even if you know I always do
I love you on your best and worst days
even though we show it in twisted ways
Jan 17, 2019
Jan 17, 2019 at 10:58 PM UTC
they say I'm overdramatic
all I want to do
is sit in my attic
smoke and listen to the static
I feel so alone
when I'm home
when I'm out
I don't want to be there
I get scared
"just breathe"
I dry heave
all I wanna do is leave
they tell me I'm no fun
maybe I'm a ***
I feel the judging eyes
when I meet my demise
will they miss me
would they wish to kiss me?
when I die
please don't cry
I know you won't.
Jan 9, 2019
Jan 9, 2019 at 12:35 PM UTC
My room feels so lonely without you,
it misses your laugh
your smile
the way you used to dance on its floor.
my bed misses you
your 6:00 AM cuddles
our pillow fights.
I miss your eyes
and the way you make me feel.
I think the bigger issue is the way you make me feel now.
like I'm doing everything wrong.
My family asks about you daily.
They miss your hugs
the positivity you brought to our lives.
they miss the me I was when I was with you.
they'll always love you too.
I know you're making your new life.
I know you're alright.
I know i'll eventually be okay too.
knowing you're fine makes me wonder
if you miss me too.
I wonder if you ever think of me.
my laugh
my smile
my love for you.
Dec 26, 2018
Dec 26, 2018 at 10:24 PM UTC