I
I observe my mother
she is brave and strong
And then I look at me
doing all things wrong
I have three close friends
who I treasure dearly
But the problem is
they show it back so scarcely
I believe in God
love Him so much too
though it become so hard
to always follow through
I am not near perfect
flaws are my constant friends
Knowing I have to change
right before it all ends
Sep 25, 2018
Sep 25, 2018 at 5:56 PM UTC
With your eyes constantly pouring concealed thunderstorms
Do you even remember what it’s like not to squint through the blur?
My soul is bled out upon the foundation you call perfection
On the asphalt and cement you disguised as hard work
My body has nothing left to offer your expectations
After turning from good enough to being better than the rest
How did we end up chasing the impossible?
Being so scared of failure we **** ourselves for anything less than flawless.
When did it all lose meaning?
The fast paced world stealing away our time like we owed it something.
I lost my passion to the critique of others.
Forgot my name when I took someone else’s.
I took a gun and shot my self.
And a ghost rose to greet the world.
Sep 25, 2018
Sep 25, 2018 at 5:54 PM UTC
I woke up today and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
The grips of a dream tightly coiled around my throat as it forced me to acknowledge it.
I was a failure.
That was basically it.
And I knew that grades don’t define who you are, but they get you into university, they get you a good course, a good degree, a good job.
Money.
And then I won’t have to suffer living without it.
And I knew that money don’t buy you happiness, but they buy peace of mind.
How many times has my mum stayed awake worrying about how much to give and how much to keep?
One time my mum refused to send money back for the treatment of her grandmother. Not because she was selfish, but because my brother and I had taken to crying because we had no lunch.
She found out I hid away in libraries to stave off hunger while my brother hid in toilets.
Her grandmother died less than a week later.
The way guilt plagues her every breath even now…
Since then we vowed as a family to share what we have, even if we have so little.
Money buys safety. There are two red flashing lights on my mum’s dashboard of her car. When she took it to a garage she was told she’d have to get it fixed for a ridiculous amount of price because her break pads had no grip and her steering was askew.
She refused to pay that much for her own safety because her mother’s sister just died and someone has to pay the funeral.
Now she prays extra hard every time she drives.
Money buys my future.
Money.
If I fail my exam, I won’t have it.
Now I’m in my brother’s room because apparently I screamed into my pillow and apparently the panic attacks were back.
I called the school for a tactical day-off.
Apr 20, 2018
Apr 20, 2018 at 12:46 AM UTC
No, the title doesn’t have an underlying tone of sadness.
I just haven’t written anything positive in a while.
And I don’t want this thing to turn into a negativity freefall.
So I’ll list all the things that make me happy (no particular order).
1. Loosening my jeans after I’ve eaten
2. Getting a lone seat on the bus and listening to music
3. Accidentally matching with my friends without planning it
4. Stepping on crunchy autumn leaves (kinda why I love Fall so much)
5. Snapchat memes (mainly from PAMS)
6. Snuggling with a loved one. Or just Snuggling full stop
7. When leaves start to fall/change colours during Autumn
8. The smell of coffee
9. My faith
10. Writing and Reading
Apr 20, 2018
Apr 20, 2018 at 12:45 AM UTC
There’s a sob stuck in my throat.
I want desperately to let it out
but there is never the right time.
Not on my bed where my tender mother sleeps,
Not in the morning where I rush to be in time
Nor in the noon where I have to keep up with studies
Never at school where my friends need me to be strong.
But I’m not strong.
I’m not stable.
I’m weak and a second away from crumbling
D
O
W
N
But there is sob stuck in my throat
And it’s stopping me from breathing.
Apr 20, 2018
Apr 20, 2018 at 12:44 AM UTC
What are you so afraid of?
Getting your heart broken?
You can’t just bury it, under walls and nonchalance.
Let them see it.
Let them see what you have to give.
The brilliance under that smile
the tenderness behind your eyes.
Don’t be selfish.
Don’t keep yourself to yourself.
Because a beauty like yours
passion like yours
soul like yours
is made to be shared
to be
Discovered.
To be loved.
Apr 20, 2018
Apr 20, 2018 at 12:43 AM UTC
The first thing that greets you in the world is bars.
Strong, iron bars surrounding you on all sides.
It grips your heart so tight that you’ve learned to breathe beneath it.
It’s there when you laugh and there when you cry.
It’s there when you feel like you’ve finally succeeded, reminding you that that it’s fake.
It’s there when you feel like drowning in a flood of confusion and hurt, joining you in pain.
It’s worse because suddenly everyone says that have it too.
So you’re hopeful, desperately longing to understand.
But then you realize it’s nothing but a game to them.
And when you wake up and feel like you can’t breathe,
You can’t understand how anyone in the world would want to have these iron bars.
And it’s not sadness.
It’s not despondency.
It’s a weight on your chest and a fog in your mind.
It’s getting worse.
Help.
Apr 20, 2018
Apr 20, 2018 at 12:42 AM UTC
It’s 5:22 and I still haven’t slept.
It’s not uncommon anymore and they say insomnia is a side effect of Paroxetin.
I call ********
Tomorrow I’ll be picking up a new prescription - things they feed me to make themselves feel better.
St John’s Wort.
They say its safer and more traditional, less side effects.
I’m just exhausted.
I think they’re just trying to get me talking again. I’ve stopped coming to the sessions and is it normal that I’ve felt better since?
Probably because they’ve upped the dosage of my Paxil.
Do they know that Paroxetine can overdose? 560 mg I heard can **** That’s 28 tablets.
I counted 13 in my bottle. That’s just about enough to get someone to hallucinate and *****
Useless.
I hear chirping outside my window.
It gets me smiling.
Apr 20, 2018
Apr 20, 2018 at 12:42 AM UTC
My heart breaks for a girl.
She is my friend, a person within reach yet she never lets anyone inside.
She’s special- and no, not in that way- and smart and beautiful and passionate and wise and everything she doesn’t think she is.
Sure, we butt-heads sometimes but ultimately, I love her. She opens my eyes to the world and makes me see it in a whole other way.
Others don’t realise her worth because other people drown her out; But she’s more than those people combined.
She’s a candlelight among a universe of suns.
I love you Irish, my little candle-light.
Mar 20, 2018
Mar 20, 2018 at 4:06 AM UTC
My mother had a miscarriage
Was
Her name was Diana
Gone before I met her
Is
Her name is Diana
Spoken through the tears between our family
Will
Her name will be Diana
When I have my a daughter of my own
She had 4 months to live in my mother’s womb
Unnoticed
Until we knew we had lost her
Would she have looked like me?
Like my mother?
My brother?
Her father?
Father.
Her’s is in another continent; oblivious to his unborn daughter’s death
Maybe mine will take care of her in heaven
Two people we’ve lost; both before I could’ve truly known them.
Please take care of her there
Diana and Christopher.
My sister and my father.
Soon, My daughter and my son.
Mar 20, 2018
Mar 20, 2018 at 4:05 AM UTC