"So what can we do for you today?" he asks
My expression unwaveringly content as if wearing a mask
"A lobotomy!" I say with a half-subdued smile
The doctor says he hasn't "heard that one in a while"
Little does he know I am completely serious
And in just a few minutes we being to discuss
"Now why would you want a lobotomy?" he asks leaning in
After a deep breath, I'm all too eager to begin
No bills, no job, no expectations
No depressing lack of motivation
No world hunger, no homeless men
No fear, no stress, no depression
"No love" doc says, sensing I'm the romantic sort
"No heartbreak, cheating, or divorce" I snarkily retort
No lies, no betrayal, no used-to-be friends
No mortgages, no insurance, no trying to meet ends
No hopelessness, no emptiness, no what-ifs or regrets
No innocence or loss of it, no piling up debts
No 8 A.M. alarm, no "what's the point?"
No recurring pain in my left shoulder joint
No waking up from a dream and facing reality
No resenting myself, no one taking advantage of me
No broken sink, no "I'll deal with it later"
No bug problem, no blasting-bad-music neighbor
No thoughts, no feelings, no doing a thing
Just sit, breathe, and eat what the nurses bring
No voice in my head, no have to eat healthy
No "rest when I'm dead" or work 'til I'm wealthy
No final straw in my constant fight
To try to find reasons to keep living life
No fear of the future, no lies from the past
No more constant sadness, I finish at last
An empty silence falls over the moment
The doctor is thinking and his face starts to show it
And then he said something I'll never forget
"I guess you're right, let's get a date for it set"
Doc so strangely agreeing I suddenly hesitate
And before he says more, I can only say "wait…"
"Maybe not yet," I sheepishly say
Maybe there's hope, if even just a ray
I think about life then say "what the hell, why not?"
There may still be hope even if it's impossible to spot
But hoping for hope might be enough for me
To save my brain from a lobotomy
And if in a few years things still aren't going well
I guess I'll still just keep living because eh, what the hell
Sep 12, 2012
Sep 12, 2012 at 2:14 AM UTC
I am going the wrong way,
down the wrong street,
in the wrong direction.
It should have been me.
It should have been me.
It should have been me.
Hitch-hiking down the side of the road.
Experiencing the dirt splashed
in my face, so beautiful.
On my own, the one that people back home ask
"What ever happened to that guy?"
As they sit comfortable, smiling
I dream about the cosmos, seeking an answer
to the one important question
"is life worth living?"
Alone with my thoughts, my heart
as I move from town to town,
I brink upon insanity,
yet one thought keeps me sane:
I do have one final destination.
Yes, I am wandering aimlessly
while I experience, learn, and think,
but all because I know that one day
I will stop my travels
and I will share them all with you.
Like a ship that drifts out to sea,
exploring, enduring, excited,
the captain keeps his eyes on
the endless ocean ahead.
But, he didn't forget to remind the first mate
to always keep an eye on the lighthouse
that will eventually call them all back.
Yes, we are like two ships.
We travel the sea in different directions
Fighting monsters
Sweating, searching for treasure,
Learning and surviving
While the first mate keeps one eye on the lighthouse
and one eye on the skies
waiting
for a flare from the other ship,
a message, a sign,
so that we can scour the seas
together
now with two eyes on the lighthouse.
But, for now,
I look to the open blue,
a captain of a fantastic ship.
My first mate is a trustworthy one,
he will keep great watch on the lighthouse
and the skies.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
For that time when it is time.
And then WAIT! STOP! RIGHT THERE!
There it is.
That beautiful moment.
Where our eyes tell each other all we need to know.
Of our great crews, our battered ships,
our mounds of ***** our scars,
my wooden leg, your wooden arm
and of the countless nights that we stayed awake
just a couple extra minutes
and made doubly sure that the first mate
was doing his job
before we looked back at the lighthouse ourselves
wondering, yearning, believing
and hoping
that the other ship's crew was still doing okay,
or that their flares hadn't been drowned in the ocean,
or that the first mate hadn't contracted
a sudden loss of vision at any point
and lost sight of the skies and lighthouse,
or that they hadn't been swallowed
by some 14-eyed, massive sea monster.
And yes. Our eyes say it all.
They say "let's go get them."
The giant squid that took my leg,
the ferocious great white that took your arm,
our glance says it all
as we turn our ships together
laughing, sharing, and planning
our attack on the vicious creatures
that we couldn't obliterate alone
and our crews just don't understand.
But, I fear that recently
I have traded in my sails for a motor
that goes in my car
and drives me down a safe path
that leads straight towards the city.
And for some reason,
you are trying to sail
with just a block of wood
and a napkin.
Thankfully, I think I know a place in town
that might trade me a few decent bed sheets
to use as sails
for my expensive and powerful engine
and then
I can hitchhike back down the right path
back to the ocean.
Where I hope that you will have learned
a little bit more about the ocean,
and sailing,
because what you've been trying,
to put it harshly,
is a little stupid.
Where I can sail the ocean blue
never forgetting my final destination:
sailing right beside you.
Eventually.
Aug 12, 2012
Aug 12, 2012 at 1:22 AM UTC
Break my bones
Cut off my fingers
All the unknowns
Are what still linger
The pain is a known
A definitive existence
The thoughts I hold down
Are what scare me shitless
I would take all of the pain
For that one answer I need
But my heart can't take it again
If it can't be freed
So slice me to pieces
Oh so slowly from the start
But, God, please please
Would you please spare my heart
Dec 22, 2010
Dec 22, 2010 at 9:35 PM UTC
He parks just 2 houses down
He's got a key From the summer
An hour spent in silence now
To quietly sit and watch her slumber
Silent movement
One quiet kiss
How could it all
Come to this?
As he stares
at her beauty
one last time
But she wakes
just in time
to see the tears
in his eyes
as he plunge
-es the knife
"Oh my God
I'm gonna die"
His face flushed fire red
The tears blur his sight
As he commits the crime
He thinks will make things right
Now hes climbing up the stairs
Breathes in the air from the roof
And he makes a final leap for freedom
And for one last moment in the air
He is happy, he is free
She is gone, and so is he
Nov 29, 2010
Nov 29, 2010 at 12:59 PM UTC
My take on love
A dreamer's mindful dance
Take away my senses
You know my cans and can'ts
I want to spend a lazy sunday
I want to get in pointless fights
I can't see it working any other way
Because with you we'd make it right
The kingdom to a jester
You could be my everything
Such a loving gesture
When we embrace it awkwardly
Complete me and inspire me
Keep me sane and keep me near
Since I met you I've known one thing
That I'll always want you here
Nov 29, 2010
Nov 29, 2010 at 12:57 PM UTC
You know it's hard to get to bed
When you keep running through my head
Like a dream thats lingers once you wake
The thoughts that fade but never break
The thoughts of you and what you do
Of what you are and what you aren't too
of the perfect beginning at an awkward dance
of the feeling I get from that awkward glance
A look across the room
A stolen wink or two
And I pinch myself real hard again
Because its like a perfect dream I'm in
I can't tell you in words and lines
The way you make me feel sometimes
True love that I doubted could still exist
Has found a place where it can finally rest
Nov 29, 2010
Nov 29, 2010 at 12:53 PM UTC
If you’re reading this its already too late
Your already standing over my dead body
Over my dead body
Over my dead body
How do I look?
Do I look at ease?
Do I look scared?
I knew it was either me or you
Do you remember what I said?
"I'll let you have it over my dead body"
Now you've got it, over my dead body
Don't I always keep my word?
Tell my parents I'm sorry
I wouldn't have thought it'd end like this either
Tell this world there's some thing I'll miss
Like nature, and a steady simple beat
So this my note
That suicide note we're all so scared to write (even if we want to)
But I didn't write this just this night
No, this is just the culmination
Of over 7 years of hopelessness
This is my childhood innocence and joy
Finally reduced to nothing
This is the hope in humanity
Finally allowed to disappear
This is that paranoia of myself
Finally taking control
This is when I said
"You'll get me to give up over my dead body"
This is it
Over my dead body
Over my dead body
You're standing over my dead body
Nov 29, 2010
Nov 29, 2010 at 12:47 PM UTC