I loved that he was remote.
I loved that I couldn’t have him.
I loved that I didn’t want him.
I loved that he was closed so tight.
I loved that he made me feel insecure.
I loved that he made me feel less.
I loved that I added complexity to his life.
I loved that I amused him.
I loved that he worked so hard to keep me when I threatened to end it.
I loved that he controlled me, and he knew it.
I loved that he was committed to being faithful, but he was unfaithful with me.
I loved that I changed him, for better and for worse.
I loved that he turned me into someone I never would have been.
I loved that I was dangerous, and he underestimated how much.
I loved what I gave, and I loved what he took.
I loved everything I did to him and everything he did to me.
I love that I hurt him, and I love that he deserved it.
I loved him.
Maybe he loved me.
Probably not.
Apr 10, 2021
Apr 10, 2021 at 1:55 AM UTC
What happens
When a love affair wanes?
When the close is imminent?
You start to wonder
What's wrong with me?
Then a rapid descent to
I'm a bad person
No one wants me
I'll never fall in love again
Mar 21, 2021
Mar 21, 2021 at 12:19 AM UTC
I was thinking today that I didn’t love you, who you are. I loved you for who you represented. Because I didn’t really know you. I didn’t know you at all. I seriously have no idea who you are.
Today I was wondering, is there any difference in loving someone for what they represent and who they truly are? And I couldn’t really think of the difference.
If I had not come from the history I came from, I never would have fallen for you. Did I fall for you, or the solution I felt you represented?
I think the dynamic is perfectly clear. Crystal clear. Why I can’t loose you from my life and my mind is a ******* mystery that tortures me endlessly.
I think of how much I hate you, which is pretty big. It’s so big I want to make it go away with all my might, because it eats at me.
I want you out. You took years from me. Correction, I chose to let you take years from me. Shame on you. Shame on me.
Shame.
Mar 13, 2021
Mar 13, 2021 at 12:27 AM UTC
Our affair was not intense.
Well, I made it intense for me, because I'm ****** up, but it was far far from some grand all-consuming passion.
There was no romantic love.
It was desperation, loneliness, and selfishness.
I just do not ******* know how to forgive myself.
I just do not ******* know how to forgive myself.
Mar 3, 2021
Mar 3, 2021 at 1:35 PM UTC
I never loved the way I loved you.
And the only way I could’ve loved you like that was to know we would never be together. That freed me up to make you anything I wanted in my mind and give you everything I could possibly give you. Because I had the complete protection of knowing you belong to someone else.
So even sometimes I wonder if that qualifies as love. Or if it just qualifies as unfettered pure joy coupled with the freedom of complete emotional abandon.
Jan 22, 2021
Jan 22, 2021 at 8:21 PM UTC
Every time someone tells me I'm beautiful, I reply, "I'm not beautiful..................................................but thank you."
I wish I could just say thank you.
Jan 22, 2021
Jan 22, 2021 at 8:00 PM UTC
They know what they want and they don’t play games.
They’re experienced and confident.
They ask for what they want, which is a huge turn on.
I’m a sucker for big **** and they know what they’re doing.
It’s like having *** with pillows; warm and comfortable.
They’re fearless.
Everyone likes Big Girls!
Jan 22, 2021
Jan 22, 2021 at 6:29 PM UTC
One day you love someone.
One day you don’t know how you’re going to go on not having them in your life.
One day you think of them, and love overtakes you in waves.
And you cry.
And then you cry.
You cry for hours.
And then one day you don’t feel like that at all.
And you try to figure out why, and there is no reason.
You wonder what has changed, and nothing has.
Then you wonder if you ever really had those feelings at all.
And you did.
But they’re gone now.
And you realize you’re beyond it.
Finally.
And you look up at the light, because now there is light.
And you feel safe to reclaim some bit of peace.
Finally.
Jan 22, 2021
Jan 22, 2021 at 6:28 PM UTC
I had so very little of him.
And I was so deep in him.
I fell deep.
And maybe I haven’t found anyone else,
Because there can’t be anyone else.
God I hope that’s not true.
How can someone still own so much of your heart after so long?
If I could have him excised, I would.
Would I?
Jan 22, 2021
Jan 22, 2021 at 6:27 PM UTC
She’s the backbone
Of the entire construct
Of my life
What will I do
When she is gone?
I’ll want it back
This life’s construct
Even as much as I hate it now
I’ll want it back
Now, I choke on my words
I choke and I die
A little more every day
The living death
What will I do
When she is gone
I won’t have to choke
Any longer?
Will I want it back?
Oh God
I hope not
I hope I can live
Without remorse
Without regret
But I know
That simply won’t be possible
Still and always
The living death
Until I am dead,
Too.
Jan 22, 2021
Jan 22, 2021 at 6:26 PM UTC