Chasing_Storms
22/Trans Male
I am a dancer and a writer. My main writing focus is poetry. I have written one novel, though I may never publish it. I am working on a second novel currently. The works on my page are included in my novel. So be aware of copyright infringement.
I spend my nights with darkness looming over me.
A steady feeling of emptiness accompanies me in the day.
Words never seem to be heard the way that people mean them to be.
Words are something that I cannot seem to properly say.
Everyday I feel that I am alone in a crowd full of people.
Everyday I feel that I would be better off dead.
The people around me would surely be happier.
This isn't just all in my head.
Why should I try only to fail?
All my life I have been running from rejection.
In a moment I scream of abandonment.
I push and I pull for control of my life.
Every moment is life or death.
This feeling is an infection.
Thoughts of dying.
Thoughts of blood.
Thoughts of being a mistake.
I couldn't erase these thoughts if I tried.
My mind echos so loudly that I cannot hear.
My voice catches in my throat.
All I feel are insecurities.
All I want is to disappear.
It is the fact that no one understands me.
They can't see that I cant understand them.
That I try to fight for control.
They don't see how hard I try to keep it all inside.
The burden that I have come to be.
No one can ever love me.
I can never love myself.
At some point you just wash away thinking that you'll never be enough.
Jul 16, 2018
Jul 16, 2018 at 4:24 PM UTC
Hi, my name is Chase
and I live within your life.
All I am is just a lie.
I'll never sacrifice.
Suicide is king
and I'm the ******* queen.
Don't wanna be a girl.
Do you know what I mean?
I never tell the truth.
No, my fears get in the way.
It's happened once before,
but I guess I'll never change.
Scars will start to cover me.
Legs onto my wrist.
Punching holes into your soul.
Make contact with your fist.
I am just so used to it,
but god I want to stop.
But boy if I told you the truth
I'd lose you on the spot.
Sometimes I just wanna die.
Drown in my blood and tears.
I say that I fear nothing,
but you are my only fear.
So, down I will go spiraling.
I'll just keep on conspiring.
I will never tell the truth.
There is just too much to lose.
Trapped in lies.
Trapped in lies.
I'm trapped inside.
Throw the truth aside.
Trapped in lies.
I'll always hide.
Cut myself wide open.
Try to let it out.
But the moment that I see you
my head it fills with doubt.
It could never work.
I just cannot be me.
I'm sorry to say boy
you aren't the golden key.
You're not the key to happiness
for I do not believe.
But still I have to smile.
Make me fall down to my knees.
I smile on the outside,
but trapped inside I cry.
I look like I live life,
but my one hope is to die.
Trapped in lies.
Trapped in lies.
I'm trapped inside.
Throw the truth aside.
Trapped in lies.
I'll always hide.
You look at me with love.
I look at you with sorrow.
This lie will never end.
It still goes on tomorrow.
It's a never ending nightmare.
I wish it were a dream.
Sick of my life cheating.
Falling apart at the seams.
I wish I'd never started.
Now, it's too late to go back.
The past is not the present,
but my future looks too black.
I know you want to make this work,
but take a look at me.
Everything you see
isn't what it seems to be.
I am just a lie.
I am living through your life.
So, baby please just end it.
Yes, end my lies tonight.
Trapped in lies.
Trapped in lies.
I'm trapped inside.
Throw the truth aside.
Trapped in lies.
I'll always hide.
I am just so tired.
I want to stop the act.
Don't know why I started.
All I know is I lost track.
I lost track of the time
and all the memories.
I don't even know
who the **** I'm supposed to be.
Got caught up in my lies.
Don't know how to let go.
Hardly even anybody
really even knows.
I hardly know myself.
Now, isn't that sad?
Cuz I hardly know you
and it's driving me mad.
And the anger inside
turns me into a beast.
Pulls me inside.
Now, I'm a killing machine.
This is the side of me I never let show.
But is it the real me?
He ******* hopes so.
I guess I'll just keep lying
to you and to myself.
I guess I'll tell my lies
to everybody else.
Maybe one day
I'll find the guts to change.
But for now I'll keep lying.
Keep you out of my range.
Trapped in lies.
Trapped in lies.
I'm trapped inside.
Throw the truth aside.
Trapped in lies.
I'll always hide.
Dec 9, 2017
Dec 9, 2017 at 2:51 PM UTC
Loss of hope.
Loss of breath.
In my death there's nothing left.
Realize the real lies with real eyes.
Cannot cope.
I hope you choke.
Blurred with smoke it's not a joke.
I see no lies in your eyes.
But I see you cry.
O' I die.
I'm falling
Walking
Talking.
I'm crawling.
Falling to the ground
without a single sound.
Take a hold of me.
I cannot see.
Who do you want me to be?
Why can't I be free?
To be me.
Gasp for breath
Grasp of skin.
Live in sin.
Needles and pins.
I can't see the lies in your teary eyes.
Take my life.
Shoot the gun.
Breath there's none.
It's so much fun.
You see the lies in my eyes.
You see me cry.
O' I die.
I'm falling
Walking
Talking.
I'm crawling.
Falling to the ground
without a single sound.
Take a hold of me.
I cannot see.
Who do you want me to be?
Why can't I be free?
To be me.
Dec 5, 2017
Dec 5, 2017 at 8:12 PM UTC
I put the iron
through my lungs.
I set the fire
that's burning off your flesh.
Skin is peeling
from your bones.
As my red blood
drips into your mouth.
Assassination.
Decapitation.
Cut your ******* head off.
Stupid ******* *****
Assassination.
Decapitation.
Peel the ******* skin
off your pretty little face.
I ripped your heart out.
Fed it to the hell hounds.
Sliced you to pieces.
Never trusted your skeleton hands.
I put the gun
up to my head.
I pulled the trigger
now you're ******* dead.
Scars are forming
on your wrist.
Are you dead inside?
Were you even ******* alive?
Assassination.
Decapitation.
Cut your ******* head off.
Stupid ******* *****
I took your life
right out of your hands.
Took your soul.
I sold it to Lucifer.
I took your head
drowned you in the ocean.
Tied to your bed.
Hanging down from broken ceilings.
Assassination.
Decapitation.
Peel the ******* skin
off your pretty little face.
Dec 3, 2017
Dec 3, 2017 at 1:55 PM UTC
What the **** is wrong with You?
You don't even have a clue.
You don't know
what I ******* go through.
You wouldn't last a day in my shoes.
You couldn't take the memories.
The pain I go through every night.
Only nightmares, never dreams.
He'll pick at you
til' he makes you scream.
Don't think that you
could take the lies.
Could you even look them in the eyes?
See all the people I've made cry.
The constant wish to go and die.
The constant battle within yourself.
I think you'd lose control.
The murderous thoughts
running through your mind.
A smile becomes rare to find.
Could you handle the abuse?
The numerous times of being used.
You would blow a ******* fuse.
To most people it'd be huge news.
For me it's just a day in my shoes.
Dec 1, 2017
Dec 1, 2017 at 6:46 PM UTC
What's the point of trying
when I'm already gone and dying?
I've given up hope and sold my soul.
I gave you my heart
when you stole my last breath.
I'm afraid of living,
not of death.
Waking up terrified
because I'm still alive.
Pray for death at each meal.
Don't think my heart will ever heal.
Each step I take adds on to the pain.
Feeding the zombies my heart
not my brain.
Drag me down into a dirt bed.
Bury me underground.
When I'm gone
don't make a single sound.
Drag me down into my grave.
Baby please you must be brave.
Don't come to me.
Just scream.
I see the world in grey.
All life's color has drained.
I've made my decision.
No more choices to be made.
I've made my final sacrifice
and baby it was you.
The sad thing is
I don't think you ever had a clue.
There is no way to stop me
I'm too far down this road.
So close to execution
now it's destiny foretold.
I know you will run for me,
but there's nothing to catch.
They were always deep,
not a baby scratch.
Drag me down into a dirt bed.
Bury me underground.
When I'm gone
don't make a single sound.
Falling into a self-inflicted hell.
I do not need your help.
I'm a fallen angel from Heaven I fell.
Listen to the stories I tell.
Learn to live a better life;
a lesson to put down your knife.
When I am gone I need you to live.
Please don't follow in my footsteps.
Depression took me over
it's my time to go.
There was no way for me to cope.
Take me over and send me hope.
Breathe your life into my throat.
Drag me down into my grave.
Baby please you must be brave.
Don't come to me.
Just scream.
Nov 29, 2017
Nov 29, 2017 at 8:22 PM UTC
Is it supposed to hurt like this?
I don't know why
I am just so **** tired.
Shoot myself into eternal slumber.
They just called my number.
I'm gonna die alone.
The weakness of love has shown.
Breaking my back
from bending over you.
I'm gonna die alone.
Got no heart.
No soul.
Falling into a black abyss.
No one ******* knows.
It hurts to know I'm not enough.
But at least I try.
It hurts to k ow that you accept it.
But you deserve the world.
Sometimes I feel
like such a waste of time.
Should I leave you alone?
I'd rather be the first one to leave.
Oceans drowning me below.
I tried my best to fight it.
You're way out of my league.
But of course
you saw right through me.
******* disbelief.
Knowing that I have got no shot
makes me feel so weak.
But still I would do anything for you.
Falling down to my knees.
I'm kind of getting tired
of crying myself to sleep.
The scars are never fading.
The thoughts never leave.
I just want someone to love me.
Is that so hard to ask?
Drinking down the bottle.
Emptying my flask.
Nov 26, 2017
Nov 26, 2017 at 8:50 PM UTC
Killing myself tonight.
I'm sick of putting up a fight.
I live for asphyxiation.
Wish I could just live for light.
Put a bullet through my head.
Thankful that I'm already dead.
Feeling all alone.
No place to call my home.
I can't be perfect.
But that is all you will ever expect.
Your expectations are killing me.
You will be the death of me.
You are the reason.
Pushing me past my limits.
You always wanted me
to become someone else.
You are the reason I seldom differ.
You are the reason I'm on my knees.
So sick of your expectations.
Sick of this ****
Pain is swimming
through my mind again.
My knife is my only friend.
Everyone around me.
Backwards I will bend.
I just want this misery to end
You tell me everything.
You control my every move.
So if I **** myself am I also killing you?
I hope it really does.
I don't mean a thing at all.
Maybe the day that I die
is when your reign will fall.
You are the reason.
Pushing me past my limits.
You always wanted me
to become someone else.
You are the reason I seldom differ.
You are the reason I'm on my knees.
Sick of your expectations.
Sick of this ****
But guess what?!
I am my own person!
I'm taking back my life.
Nothing left to sacrifice.
But you!
Nov 21, 2017
Nov 21, 2017 at 5:52 PM UTC
Oh my god I wanna die
I sit here while you watch me cry.
Because you know
you ripped my heart out.
Yes, you know
I'm ******* falling apart.
And I'm lying with the wind.
While you blow away the tables.
Singing with that precious,
luscious voice
that leaves me so unstable.
Watching you walk away.
It will always stay the same.
Drop dead gorgeous in your path.
**** the boys with your wrath.
I feel the sting.
I feel the pain.
I'm crying these tears in the rain.
I wanted you then, I want you now.
But you're so. . .
******* IMPOSSIBLE!
You and me will never work out
cuz we'll always scream
and we'll always shout.
Call me all the names in book.
Leave me for someone
with better looks.
I feel sorry for the guys
who fall in love with boys like you.
Doing every breathing thing
you can get your **** into.
And I feel sorry for the girls
who fall for all your ******* tricks.
Why is it that you think love is all
JUST FOR KICKS!
STOP ******* FOOLING AROUND WITH MY HEART!
I'M SO SICK OF YOUR ****
YOU'RE JUST A ****
YOU'RE ******* IMPOSSIBLE!
Nov 17, 2017
Nov 17, 2017 at 12:58 PM UTC
My heart is being split in two.
I don't know what I'd do
without either of you.
Feels like I'm here playing a game.
My love for you drives me insane.
I cannot handle this pain.
ANYMORE.
Take my body and take my pain.
My mind tells me to leave.
But my heart tells me to stay.
Take my sorrow until tomorrow.
I don't think things will ever change.
FOR ME.
Just think about leaving me.
I'll have a panic attack.
Too many attachment issues.
Now it's death that I lack.
And all of Lords angels
and the Lord of the Dead.
They could never make me whole.
AGAIN.
I know that I seem heartless
but in reality.
I just have too much heart.
Love is blind you'll see.
Life isn't a fantasy.
Not a dream come true.
We all die alone.
This is nothing new.
And all of my demons
keep me awake at night. They are always hoping.
FOR A FIGHT.
Life is not a game.
Not a fairytale.
It's not an infinitive dimension.
Not all love is the same.
Your prayers will not help you.
The decision is yours.
Doesn't matter if you sell your soul.
What matters is if you love is true.
Nov 16, 2017
Nov 16, 2017 at 2:31 PM UTC