BoMarie - Hello Poetry

I'm not good at taking care of the people I love. I can make a cup of tea, but I will still hand it to you with shaking hands, hands that want to strangle the illness out of you. I can tuck a person in at night, but I will begin living out a nightmare, a nightmare that begins as soon as I extinguish the light and take my mask off for the day. I can go to the doctors office, but my brain will process any form of news as negative, news that flaunts around a stage and presents optimism, will still reinforce that the end is near, that a show cannot last forever. I can go to a prison, or a house and visit, but I will tremble with anger at the situation, maybe direct it at a person who is chained both physically and mentally. I can continue to walk through the normal motions of life, but I will be triggered, triggered by the thought of losing the ones I care for most, by the fact that I will never do enough, say enough, be enough, and when I do it will be the ugliness of a disease spreading in me, a cancerous trauma that I have lived with my whole life.

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Apr 22, 2019

Apr 22, 2019 at 12:24 AM UTC

I want to be better.

I'm not good at taking care of the people I love. I can make a cup of tea, but I will still hand it to you with shaking hands, hands that want to strangle the illness out of you. I can tuck a person in at night, but I will begin living out a nightmare, a nightmare that begins as soon as I extinguish the light and take my mask off for the day. I can go to the doctors office, but my brain will process any form of news as negative, news that flaunts around a stage and presents optimism, will still reinforce that the end is near, that a show cannot last forever. I can go to a prison, or a house and visit, but I will tremble with anger at the situation, maybe direct it at a person who is chained both physically and mentally. I can continue to walk through the normal motions of life, but I will be triggered, triggered by the thought of losing the ones I care for most, by the fact that I will never do enough, say enough, be enough, and when I do it will be the ugliness of a disease spreading in me, a cancerous trauma that I have lived with my whole life.

13

Jesus has risen. But what else? The sea level, and it was already up to my chest. My blood pressure, and the screaming just made it worse. A desire to vanish, and in a more permanent way. For a moment I envied being an absent God to people. I would feel their love, and they would know that they are loved, yet they wouldn't need to hear me, see me, feel me, smell me, or taste me to believe in the overflowing love I possess for everyone but myself.

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Apr 22, 2019

Apr 22, 2019 at 12:04 AM UTC

4/21/19

Jesus has risen. But what else? The sea level, and it was already up to my chest. My blood pressure, and the screaming just made it worse. A desire to vanish, and in a more permanent way. For a moment I envied being an absent God to people. I would feel their love, and they would know that they are loved, yet they wouldn't need to hear me, see me, feel me, smell me, or taste me to believe in the overflowing love I possess for everyone but myself.

14

You decided to find someone better, My stomach drops before I've even met her. I bet she stands as tall as the redwood trees, with just the right amount of confidence and ease. I knew I was never your first choice, but I've always hoped you would hear my voice. It's a voice so soft, with a message so heavy, and the weight of this message leaves the grave as my levee.

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Aug 23, 2018

Aug 23, 2018 at 1:43 AM UTC

a pit with a voice

You decided to find someone better, My stomach drops before I've even met her. I bet she stands as tall as the redwood trees, with just the right amount of confidence and ease. I knew I was never your first choice, but I've always hoped you would hear my voice. It's a voice so soft, with a message so heavy, and the weight of this message leaves the grave as my levee.

8

I need to get myself out of this California hell Cause there’s a fire burning in my lungs I know I was born and raised to love these long and hot summer days And I know you’ll always be my blood But I’ve never, thought about the rest of the world And i’ll never grow if I’ve never really felt the cold

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Aug 19, 2018

Aug 19, 2018 at 1:47 AM UTC

3rd degree burn

I need to get myself out of this California hell Cause there’s a fire burning in my lungs I know I was born and raised to love these long and hot summer days And I know you’ll always be my blood But I’ve never, thought about the rest of the world And i’ll never grow if I’ve never really felt the cold

9

I hope that you can learn to love yourself, after what you did to me. Cause I know you well and I know that thoughts can overwhelm, And you're not getting over me. You lit the match, you pulled the trigger. You ****** it up again, I don’t feel bad, and I’m not bitter, So do what you do best.

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Aug 19, 2018

Aug 19, 2018 at 1:46 AM UTC

Love Yourself

I hope that you can learn to love yourself, after what you did to me. Cause I know you well and I know that thoughts can overwhelm, And you're not getting over me. You lit the match, you pulled the trigger. You ****** it up again, I don’t feel bad, and I’m not bitter, So do what you do best.

7

I’m counting on myself, to get out of this house, this hell you call a home? What a ******* joke. You’re never even here, and when you are, you're passed out on the kitchen floor. I’m not the type of girl, who wants to settle down, I’ll leave your heart behind in another town I’m not the type of bird, who flies home to a nest, every night until her timely death. If I were a bird, I’d fly far away, I’d never look back, never let myself stay In one place for long, because it gets boring And I’d rather be soaring high, like a swift in the sky, A thief in the night, but the only thing I'm stealing is my freedom now. And the only way I'll get it is to leave this town I don't have much time, I'm not planting seeds here Im just trying to fly.

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Jul 11, 2018

Jul 11, 2018 at 10:13 AM UTC

If I Were A Bird

I’m counting on myself, to get out of this house, this hell you call a home? What a ******* joke. You’re never even here, and when you are, you're passed out on the kitchen floor. I’m not the type of girl, who wants to settle down, I’ll leave your heart behind in another town I’m not the type of bird, who flies home to a nest, every night until her timely death. If I were a bird, I’d fly far away, I’d never look back, never let myself stay In one place for long, because it gets boring And I’d rather be soaring high, like a swift in the sky, A thief in the night, but the only thing I'm stealing is my freedom now. And the only way I'll get it is to leave this town I don't have much time, I'm not planting seeds here Im just trying to fly.

12

I haven’t touched my suitcase since I’ve come home, and I miss your voice so if you would pick up your phone. I’ve noticed I’m alone here, this house is far from a home. Cause broken bottles on the floor is something that cant go ignored And holes in walls from ****** fists Just make my stomach churn and twist And I'm tired. Tired of this. And I'm tired I wasnt built to live with this.

0

Jul 11, 2018

Jul 11, 2018 at 10:11 AM UTC

Homecoming

I haven’t touched my suitcase since I’ve come home, and I miss your voice so if you would pick up your phone. I’ve noticed I’m alone here, this house is far from a home. Cause broken bottles on the floor is something that cant go ignored And holes in walls from ****** fists Just make my stomach churn and twist And I'm tired. Tired of this. And I'm tired I wasnt built to live with this.

11

“Call me.” “Ask nicely.” “Please ******* call me.”

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Mar 21, 2018

Mar 21, 2018 at 1:17 AM UTC

A conversation

“Call me.” “Ask nicely.” “Please ******* call me.”

3

I don’t sleep well anymore I need pills to help with that. Sometimes I sleep too much I need pills to help with that. I think about how I’m going to die a lot I need pills to help with that. I worry about what I’ll do if I lose you first I need pills to help with that. I feel the most lonely in crowded places With loud banter and familiar faces I feel the most lonely in my head The curtains blocking the sun, I’m a slave to my bed I need pills to help with that. And I don’t like taking them, They make me feel less capable, and more ashamed that I cannot function happily like the others. I need pills to help with that. I need them but I don’t want them, And because I don’t want them, I don’t take them, and because I don’t take them I take myself to the top of a building, and find peace from the thought of jumping. Will you watch me fly like a bird, float like a feather? Let me find peace among my brain’s bad weather? I don’t need pills to help with that. Can you help with that?

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Mar 21, 2018

Mar 21, 2018 at 1:13 AM UTC

Can you help with that?

I don’t sleep well anymore I need pills to help with that. Sometimes I sleep too much I need pills to help with that. I think about how I’m going to die a lot I need pills to help with that. I worry about what I’ll do if I lose you first I need pills to help with that. I feel the most lonely in crowded places With loud banter and familiar faces I feel the most lonely in my head The curtains blocking the sun, I’m a slave to my bed I need pills to help with that. And I don’t like taking them, They make me feel less capable, and more ashamed that I cannot function happily like the others. I need pills to help with that. I need them but I don’t want them, And because I don’t want them, I don’t take them, and because I don’t take them I take myself to the top of a building, and find peace from the thought of jumping. Will you watch me fly like a bird, float like a feather? Let me find peace among my brain’s bad weather? I don’t need pills to help with that. Can you help with that?

23

My heart shatters into a million pieces When i hear her ascendancy through the phone. She does not speak to you, and yelling would be an understatement. I can see you tremble when her name appears on your phone screen. She’s 5’2, harmless but fiesty But i disagree, in my eyes She is a destructive, aggressive, poisonous Being. There may be glimpses of light and purity within her, But that’s all they are. Glimpses. She was whole once and the world broke her, and she had the decision to Pick up the pieces and build something better, Or break everything in her path in the way she once broke.

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Mar 21, 2018

Mar 21, 2018 at 1:01 AM UTC

For ydnA

My heart shatters into a million pieces When i hear her ascendancy through the phone. She does not speak to you, and yelling would be an understatement. I can see you tremble when her name appears on your phone screen. She’s 5’2, harmless but fiesty But i disagree, in my eyes She is a destructive, aggressive, poisonous Being. There may be glimpses of light and purity within her, But that’s all they are. Glimpses. She was whole once and the world broke her, and she had the decision to Pick up the pieces and build something better, Or break everything in her path in the way she once broke.

14