I'm not good at taking care of the people I love.
I can make a cup of tea, but I will still hand it to you
with shaking hands,
hands that want to strangle the illness out of you.
I can tuck a person in at night, but I will begin living out
a nightmare,
a nightmare that begins as soon as I extinguish the light and take my mask off for the day.
I can go to the doctors office, but my brain will process any form of news as negative,
news that flaunts around a stage and presents optimism,
will still reinforce that the end is near, that a show cannot last forever.
I can go to a prison, or a house and visit, but I will tremble with anger at the situation, maybe direct it at a person who is chained both physically and mentally.
I can continue to walk through the normal motions of life, but I will be triggered,
triggered by the thought of losing the ones I care for most, by the fact that I will never do enough, say enough, be enough, and when I do it will be the ugliness of a disease spreading in me, a cancerous trauma that I have lived with my whole life.
Apr 22, 2019
Apr 22, 2019 at 12:24 AM UTC
Jesus has risen.
But what else?
The sea level, and it was already up to my chest.
My blood pressure, and the screaming just made it worse.
A desire to vanish, and in a more permanent way.
For a moment I envied being an absent God to people.
I would feel their love, and they would know that they are loved,
yet they wouldn't need to
hear me,
see me,
feel me,
smell me,
or taste me
to believe in the overflowing love I possess for everyone but myself.
Apr 22, 2019
Apr 22, 2019 at 12:04 AM UTC
You decided to find someone better,
My stomach drops before I've even met her.
I bet she stands as tall as the redwood trees,
with just the right amount of confidence and ease.
I knew I was never your first choice,
but I've always hoped you would hear my voice.
It's a voice so soft, with a message so heavy,
and the weight of this message leaves the grave as my levee.
Aug 23, 2018
Aug 23, 2018 at 1:43 AM UTC
I need to get myself out of this
California hell
Cause there’s a fire burning in my lungs
I know I was born and raised to love these long and hot summer days
And I know you’ll always be my blood
But I’ve never,
thought about the rest of the world
And i’ll never grow if
I’ve never really felt the cold
Aug 19, 2018
Aug 19, 2018 at 1:47 AM UTC
I hope that you can learn to love yourself, after what you did to me.
Cause I know you well and I know that thoughts can overwhelm,
And you're not getting over me.
You lit the match, you pulled the trigger.
You ****** it up again,
I don’t feel bad, and I’m not bitter,
So do what you do best.
Aug 19, 2018
Aug 19, 2018 at 1:46 AM UTC
I’m counting on myself, to get out of this house, this hell you call a home? What a ******* joke.
You’re never even here, and when you are, you're passed out on the kitchen floor.
I’m not the type of girl, who wants to settle down, I’ll leave your heart behind in another town
I’m not the type of bird, who flies home to a nest, every night until her timely death.
If I were a bird, I’d fly far away, I’d never look back, never let myself stay
In one place for long, because it gets boring
And I’d rather be soaring high, like a swift in the sky,
A thief in the night, but
the only thing I'm stealing is my freedom now.
And the only way I'll get it is to leave this town
I don't have much time, I'm not planting seeds here
Im just trying to fly.
Jul 11, 2018
Jul 11, 2018 at 10:13 AM UTC
I haven’t touched my suitcase since I’ve come home,
and I miss your voice so if you would pick up your phone.
I’ve noticed I’m alone here, this house is far from a home.
Cause broken bottles on the floor
is something that cant go ignored
And holes in walls from ****** fists
Just make my stomach churn and twist
And I'm tired.
Tired of this.
And I'm tired
I wasnt built to live with this.
Jul 11, 2018
Jul 11, 2018 at 10:11 AM UTC
why do i crumble
fall into pieces of
oats and sugar
something beautiful
in a white bowl, but
a mess on the floor
when i wake up
in an empty house
why do i wither like
brown leaves
under brand new and
borrowed boots atop
autumn sidewalks
when i’m alone,
i’m alone,
i’m alone
it is not enough
to eat breakfast
however small
to wash my hair with
coconut milk
to not step out into
the busy street;
i freeze before the ice
touches me
i do not allow
the chance to warm
my own hands
i lie down, on
***** sheets,
and wait for someone
anyone
anything
to awaken me
Jul 10, 2018
Jul 10, 2018 at 6:21 PM UTC
Dear child,
Don't be afraid,
When the moon
Isn't up in the sky.
He's quiet but there,
Always aware,
Watching you
with loving eyes.
Dear child,
Don't be afraid,
When the moon
Isn't by your side.
He's silent but cares
For you who's so bare
In the dark
of lonely nights.
Dear child,
Don't be afraid,
When the moon
Is out of your sight.
With distance you wonder,
Yet your heart grows fonder,
Hence do you look forward
To living every night.
Jul 10, 2018
Jul 10, 2018 at 6:09 PM UTC