I just don’t understand how I can still possibly love you to this extreme of an amount. How could you Diani. After everything. I know we weren’t perfect and there were problems but I always knew that I wanted to be with you forever. I really meant that. And I know I got angry and sad but you dont understand how hard it was for me. But this feeling I feel. I am soul crushed and I don’t think I can recover. My whole body and spirit is in so much unbelievable pain every single day and it doesn’t go away. You’ll never understand how deeply I love you and how I can’t live with myself knowing I lost the only thing the best thing that’s ever happened to me. How much I really was doing everything I can to change and do more to show you that I’d do absolutely anything for you. You were my best friend and God **** it Diani I don’t feel like myself with you. I know I’m late and you’ve found someone and he makes you happy but this is absolutely torture to me. Because all I can think about is everything we have done together but it’s him instead in my memories. I know that you’re never going to come back already. I know you don’t like to see me hurting. But you left me so alone and broken. And all day everyday all I can think about is wanting to talk to you and tell you that I’m so sorry for everything more than you can even imagine.I know it doesn’t change the past but how am I supposed to just watch you fall in love with someone. When all my life all I could ever want was to be with you. Even when you hurt me, lead me on, don’t have my back I still ******* love you no matter what. That’s why I always angry with you because I just can’t ever understand how you don’t feel how I feel. I would walk away if self respect but you’d make me promises and I’d believe you and you’d still lie to me. Let your family treat me like that. How could you not see me in pain and help me instead of letting me always do everything alone. Your house is filled with things I’d do to support you. I was so angry that you didn’t care enough to do things in fear like I did. Moving in to a place where I got your family arrested. Following you to college and everywhere else. How can you not understand that everything was to get to this point in our lives just for you to give it to someone else. Do you not remember who we used to be and how special it was? Because I do. I could never forget. I lost friends and family for you. Changed for you. Waited 10 years for you, 6 years straight only texting no video games. Because that’s how absolutely special you are to me. So telling me to just move forward and forget it all is an insult. Because I can’t just go be with someone else when I swore a vow that I’ll be yours forever. You didn’t mean it but I did. I may have left but I don’t know what else you wanted me to do but I always came back even when I knew you wouldn’t have my back and I’d be the one to figure it out. Because when love is real it finds a way back. So here I am. 10 years later. Loving you even when you clearly don’t love me at all. So yeah Diani. I’m not okay and I haven’t been this whole time. I’m still learning. Remember Diani. Remember it all? How it felt when in those moments they were worth everything and we couldn’t be happier. I miss my best friend. You are my home. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I feel so insecure, lost and alone. Don’t you know who I am? Do you remember at all?
May 14, 2023
May 14, 2023 at 6:55 PM UTC
Memories with Diani
Take time to remember each one. Remember the details and the feelings.
Each memory was special, not because it was easy, but because it was so hard and painful. We created something from absolutely nothing.
1. First time I ever laid eyes upon her, my heart felt like it was fate.
2. Sleeping in my moms car.
3. I left a letter for you under the Barnes and nobles keyboard.
4. Your quience. Practicing the waltz and going to men’s wear house for a tuxedo.
5. Leaving the dance and getting told by security we couldn’t go back in.
6. Doing the parade and marching no justice no peace.
7. Going camping and my car broke down in the middle of nowhere.
8. Making squid games cookies together.
9. Cleaning the basement and watching Naruto together.
10. Going swimming at the YMCA and I thought about how absolutely beautiful you are.
11. Putting up stars together on my ceiling.
12. Watching ready player one in theaters.
13. All the times we got food at IWU.
14. Getting you drunk for the first time and you threw up in my car.
15. Painting together.
16. Getting you your first pc set up so we could be closer.
17. Getting mr pickles at the pet store so you wouldn’t be lonely.
18. Grilling out together.
19. Smoking a cigarette on the stairs at night at IWU.
20. Smoking with Carter.
21. Getting steak and shake with your mom after practice for the quience.
22. Our date at IHOP and the waitress said *** are you guys on a date.
23. Napkins.
24. Apple juice.
25. Opening day at the do it yourself grill.
26. Making our own language together.
27. The first time I said I love you was in a flower shop on my parents anniversary.
28. Having class together.
29. Every 4th of July.
30. Receiving BBear and Larry.
31. Beating Gus in mortal kombat.
32. Your first birthday party where I got you a gift box.
33. Playing Tetris at the mall.
34. Watching stranger things together.
35. Dumbster diving and getting into a building to find zeke.
36. Sleeping together on your bunk bed.
37. Playing Gus in giant checkers.
38. All the times we went Shopping together.
39. Surprising you with Boba and flowers.
40. Young at heart.
41. Everytime I see a wasp.
42. Making homemade bowling.
43. Paint sealing the basement.
44. Every “huh” “whatever dawg” “dang” “STOOPID”
45. Sneaking over when your mom would leave.
46. Making out in a dressing room.
47. Listening to lil peep in the car.
48. Every anniversary.
49. Leaving the dance to sit by the river together in front of cliff breakers.
50. Riding in a limo.
51. Ezera “it ******* hissed”
52. Leaving stickers at Thompson.
53. Ashlyn’s get togethers.
54. Going to the Zoo.
55. Making Tuna Casserole.
56. Doing face masks together.
57. Photo Booth with Jared.
58. You putting snow down my shirt.
59. Building a snowman.
60. Going to get your desk in my Aunts truck.
61. Sneaking in wine and drinking together downstairs.
62. Getting yuumi down from the beams.
63. Playing with chalk on the sidewalks.
64. Every merp mew.
65. Rat!
66. Passing each other notes in class.
67. Every football game. Singing along to sweet Caroline.
68. Spider-Man movie where we heard sunflower and hide.
69. Talk of how you wanted to have a big family and have a restaurant called good food.
70. Exploring Bloomington.
71. Insomnia cookies.
72. Playing galiga.
73. Going to Halloween stores.
74. Walking the candle lit trails.
75. Pumpkin patches.
76. Hiking trails in the woods.
77. Saving a pregnant cat.
78. Teaching you how to skip rocks.
79. Going fishing.
80. Knocking on my bedroom wall while you were in the shower.
81. Rockford speedway where you were almost hit by a car.
82. Almost getting caught smoking with Brendan.
83. Going bowling.
84. Making food together on thanks giving.
85. Laying under the stars.
86. Carrying you on my back when you got tired.
87. Falling asleep with you.
88. Taking pictures with my camera.
89. Going to see Bernie sanders.
90. Voting together.
91. Getting vaccinated.
92. Eating sushi together.
93. Every time you’d slap my ****
94. Meeting you at Carlson.
95. Playing it takes two.
96. Giving you my stripped hoodie.
97. Getting your postcard from Washington.
98. 1v1 in halo.
99. Cuddling next to Ubaldo while we slept next to us in Peoria and my car broke down.
100. Slow dancing together.
101. Setting up the internet for your house.
102. Every text we would send when texting was all we had.
103. Giving me your beanie and I’d wear it everywhere.
104. Searching for each other every stroll on state.
105. Trying tea at teavana.
106. Trying foreign snacks at the corner store.
107. Trying on your bras.
108. Farting and holding the blanket over us.
109. My stinky feet.
110. Eating funnel cakes while watching a juggler at the fair.
111. Alexa waking us up and yelling “Wake up WAKE UP”
112. Playing with puppies at furry babies.
113. Kissing in a church basement.
114. Pretending to be your dummy for recovery position.
115. Watching Gus graduate.
116. Playing peekaboo with yuumi
117. Taking muneca to the big field.
118. Drinking on your 21st bday.
119. Scaring you when you would come around the corner.
120. Me failing at starting a grill and you doing it right.
121. Taking care of each other while we were sick.
122. Eating in china town.
123. Getting a ticket for illegal parking.
124. Going souvenir shopping in china town.
125. Going to the ice hogs game.
126. Swinging at the park.
127. Here comes the hot steppa
128. Listening to vinals with you.
Apr 26, 2023
Apr 26, 2023 at 11:15 PM UTC