It's an odd feeling to be the only woman at a party without a baby. All of the mothers gather into a circle, guarded by their strollers and diaper bags. It's like being on the outside of the popular girls in highschool. You can dream and wish to be a part of their little club but it doesn't happen. You can look but can't touch.
“Oh hey, I have to run to the restroom. Would you mind holding the baby? He wants to see you.” My heart drops at the condescending tone in her voice but I take the baby anyway, playing pretend for the five minutes the little one is in my arms. That I can glimpse into my future just for a second. Until the baby’s mother comes back and takes him away from me. My arms drop to my sides, the weight of the baby gone from my arms. It doesn't feel any less lighter though. It feels ten times heavier.
It’s always, “When are you going to have a little one?” “Oh it's all great until it actually happens, then you’ll never sleep, have *** or have a clean house ever again.” “Enjoy this time now because it's fleeting.”
I want to respond in screams, in frustrated grunts like an animal. I want to cry and yell. I want to break a table and plead to God on my knees. I want to take one of their babies in my arms and just pretend. Just imagine that I'm holding my baby, Not someone else's. I want to not feel this ache in my chest. I don’t want to look at a pregnancy test and feel my heart drop through the floor. Holding it up to the light to see a second line. There never is. I want to scream at the sky until my voice is hoarse.
But I sit and smile. “Oh we’ll start trying soon.” “Oh I'm sure it's not that bad, I guess having children isn't all it's cracked up to be.” “We are trying to savor the time when we can do what we want and sleep in.” Sit, smile, take it, don't be rude. Empathize, laugh, agree. All of the ******* things you're supposed to do. Not what I really want.
All of the things that have been said to me:
“Just the babysitter.”
“Always the babysitter, never the mother.”
“You’d make a wonderful mom.”
“You look like a natural.”
“Thanks for watching the baby.”
“Just a nanny.”
“Always a nanny never a mom huh?”
“Babysitter.”
“Aunty.”
“Can you babysit?”
“You'll understand when you become a mom.”
“When are you going to have kids of your own?”
“You’ll have a lot of practice.”
“One day it'll be you.”
“You’re like the mom who never gets to go home with her baby.”
“It’s so ironic that you have the most experience with children but you don’t have any of your own.”
“You’re the mom who doesn’t get to go home with your baby.”
“Are you sure you’re, you know, doing it right?”
“It’s not you, he just wants his mommy huh?”
“We don't need you anymore.”
“Don't come back.”
When will it be my turn?
I never thought I’d be the girl who would have to go through this.
Apr 27, 2025
Apr 27, 2025 at 9:56 PM UTC
Almost two years ago my grandmother died of breast cancer. She was the strongest woman I knew, she was beautiful, smart, steadfast, faithful, generous, funny, she was light. When she died a part of me died too.
A little over a year ago I had my first miscarriage. I saw a positive pregnancy test on March 17, 2024. I was so excited. Three days later the tests came back negative and I started bleeding. I was distraught.
Then five months later I had a second miscarriage. August 29, 2024 I had a positive pregnancy test, same thing as last time. I lost it a week later.
Losing my grandmother, losing my babies took some of the light out of me. I’m still looking for the light but it’s coming back. One single drop at a time. Sometimes I feel hopeless. Other times I feel grateful, excited and motivated to get started on something new. But I have this dread in the back of my mind. Nothing good lasts forever. And if I get too excited about something it’s going to slip away. “It was nice while it lasted” I tell myself. every. Time.
What man meant for evil God has meant for good. Joseph spent 7 years in a prison cell betrayed by his brothers. He didn’t lose faith. Jesus was beaten so badly he was unrecognizable. He died the worst death anyone could go through. What man meant for evil, God meant for good. And Jesus Christ rose from the dead, and now we are all saved through him.
The Lord is telling me to be patient, steadfast, and faithful. “Wait while I do a good work in you.”
I’m waiting God… I’m here, waiting.
Apr 27, 2025
Apr 27, 2025 at 9:41 PM UTC
I feel worthless
No one truly cares
I have a God who I’m almost convinced hates me.
He will never save me from this pit.
I feel like I have no purpose.
Like I just float around existing.
But not living.
I feel hopeless
And I feel like it’s all my fault.
I don’t even know what the truth is anymore.
Because every time I start believing it
It changes.
And what’s the point then?
If everything you thought was true
Just isn’t anymore?
Nov 3, 2019
Nov 3, 2019 at 4:15 AM UTC
You have been through quite a lot. I have put you through quite a lot, and I wanted to say I’m sorry. You did not deserve what I put you through, yet you still remain strong which amazes me. I’m sorry for all the hurt I put on you, the sleepless nights, biting my lips until they bled, the countless meals I made you skip, and the amount of food I shoved into you. You cried out for me to stop but I didn't listen, I was trying so hard to find my voice and I wasn’t willing to listen to you.
I put you aside after he touched you where he wasn't supposed too. Everything reminded me of those nights, when I was all alone, with no one to save me. I resented you because you looked so much like him and I wanted nothing to do with it. But that wasn’t your fault and it was nothing I could control. I am sorry for not giving you a chance.
My body, you are beautiful, not too fat. You are strong, not too weak, and you have overcome such horrible things. I’m sorry I didn't feed you when you were hungry and when I kept feeding you when you had too much to eat. I’m sorry for giving you away so quickly to a boy I hardly even knew. I'm sorry for straightening my hair enough to burn it to make it look like everybody else’s, and not like his. I’m sorry for covering you up with so much makeup so I didn't have to see the same cheeky smile he has. And I'm sorry I never gave my nails a break from constant nail polish, cutting, and sanding down so my hands looked nothing like his. He broke me and I punished you for it, because you look so much like the bad guy in my dreams. And to my heart and brain, I’m sorry for not giving you the time to process the feelings, I'm sorry for not giving you the opportunity to rest and heal from it all. Instead I worked you too hard and let people walk all over us to not cause anymore chaos. There was an earthquake inside of me for so long and now what's left are beautiful mountains that I intend to climb, and hike, and enjoy the journey and reminisce on all the things that got me to where I am. Now I'll get to enjoy the view.
I will make a change to listen to you, and let you have a voice. Now I will give you the best of what you deserve and never settle for anything less. I thank God for you and I only hope that with time I will learn to love you as much my God does, and as much as my husband does. Because you are worthy of this love. And I can't wait to love you harder.
With love,
Me.
Oct 7, 2019
Oct 7, 2019 at 1:25 PM UTC
Whenever you watch Star Wars I hope you think of me.
How we stayed up all night binge watching the whole series.
Whenever you ride a roller coaster I hope you think of me.
When you dragged me into my first one and was proud when I wanted to go again.
Whenever you look in the mirror and look at your eyes I hope you think of me.
I hope you remember the way I looked at you when you came back.
And the look in my eyes when you decided to leave again.
I hope you never forget the the way my voice shook after you said goodbye.
I hope you can somehow feel the way my heart broke when you didn’t come back.
Oct 5, 2019
Oct 5, 2019 at 10:40 PM UTC
If I spoke to you again would I have the courage to tell you the truth?
Would I be able to yell at you like you deserve and actually hear me? Would you apologize for everything you did and didn't do?
Or would you have a stubborn heart and refuse to see my side of things?
I hope that one day we can meet again and I can call you out on everything truth you made a lie and every promise you broke and maybe.
Just maybe I can stop writing about you and write about something that matters.
Sep 20, 2019
Sep 20, 2019 at 10:49 AM UTC
She feels sad and broken.
To her, hopelessness is now just an emotion.
She looks at her Bible and sees nothing worth reading.
She doubts and feels like she cannot pray.
“Where did you go?” She calls out to the God that was always supposed to be there.
“I’m lonely, I don't feel you anymore. How do I know you are even there?”
She whispers underneath her sleepy breath as she doses off to sleep, pleading to feel something by morning.
Sep 10, 2019
Sep 10, 2019 at 11:56 PM UTC
Come to me in your most vulnerable form.
Tell me what you dream about.
Tell me what you want to be when you grow up and what you wanted to be when you were a child.
Tell me of all the things that frighten you.
I can hold your hand while you do.
Tell me your worst nightmare.
And I can tell you that it's going to be okay.
I can sleep next to you and protect you while you sleep.
I can give you all of my sweet dreams.
I want you in your most vulnerable form.
Tell me all the secrets that you can't even tell yourself.
I will hold you while you cry.
Tell me your happiest memory and we can look back on it with warm smiles and reminiscent hearts.
I will tell you everything I love about you.
How your smile warms up the room
And how your laughter is the cure to all of the world’s depression.
And your eyes are the map to the most peaceful place on earth.
I will tell you how your touch alone can cure me of all disease.
And you will tell me how I hold the ocean in my eyes.
Come to me in your most vulnerable form.
And I will love you with all that I have.
That nothing matters except you and me and the maps of stars led me to you, and you to me.
Let's come together in our most vulnerable forms.
And stay in love forever.
Sep 7, 2019
Sep 7, 2019 at 1:26 AM UTC
Let me tell you a story of a girl.
One who was broken and bruised.
A girl who lost hope and didn't know if it even existed.
She came to this world by an accident,
Loved by her mother but forgotten by her father.
She grew up lonely waiting for a prince to come save her.
She dreamed of a father who would have tea parties with her.
She dreamed of one that wouldn't just help her with her math homework,
But would take her to a daddy-daughter dance and let her dance on his shoes.
She was lonely enough to make up stories her mind, get lost in books, and play with her imaginary friends.
She was the type of girl who felt so deeply, to the point of getting hurt.
You can imagine a little girl watching Madeline in a guest bed before going to sleep.
But what you can't imagine is what will happen next.
A man coming into her room and taking her innocence away from her.
She remained lonely and confused about men.
Whether they could be trusted or not.
She decided they couldn’t.
Even now she cannot say the words out loud.
The word that starts with “M” with "R"...
Makes her shake, brings her back to that dark room.
To that moment he touched her.
To that second that changed her life.
She’s getting better.
But that memory haunts her.
The feeling of him makes her tear up.
But one thing he did not take away from her is her spark.
She still can make a room light up by walking into it.
And when she’s ready,
She’ll make her voice loud.
Loud enough for the very back row.
Her story is not over yet.
Aug 30, 2019
Aug 30, 2019 at 5:20 PM UTC
Hey, it’s been a while.
Truth is I’ve been lost...
I’m still lost. But I’m getting to where I need to be.
I can feel it.
Just be patient with me, while I find the person I’m meant to be.
Aug 17, 2019
Aug 17, 2019 at 10:14 PM UTC