Aishah - Hello Poetry

I follow my depression like a ghost Chained to it Dragged around Like a dog with a noose Around my neck I can only go so far Resist so much Before it jolts me back Break the rope? Pulling away It pulls me back Hard and fast Cuts off my air The skin around my neck Newton’s third law Equal and opposite Nothing moves Controlling the boundaries The radius of me.

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Aug 16, 2018

Aug 16, 2018 at 9:23 PM UTC

Aishah

Depression

I follow my depression like a ghost Chained to it Dragged around Like a dog with a noose Around my neck I can only go so far Resist so much Before it jolts me back Break the rope? Pulling away It pulls me back Hard and fast Cuts off my air The skin around my neck Newton’s third law Equal and opposite Nothing moves Controlling the boundaries The radius of me.

19

Your words cut me like a knife No. Not quite Less like a knife You are not precise You hurl your words at me Fast but no control What is your aim? To hurt To motivate Both Do you even know? Your words slice me like a saw A blade oxidised into rust Blunt Your wound isn’t clean It doesn’t leave a straight red line Or a quick way to heal Like a zip Or a trail of blood To show someone else my way Your words tear my skin An impossible jigsaw An empty space Your words leave a scar Pink Like my favourite colour of lipstick But it is angry It burns It rips open Again

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Aug 15, 2018

Aug 15, 2018 at 8:22 AM UTC

Aishah

Weapons

Your words cut me like a knife No. Not quite Less like a knife You are not precise You hurl your words at me Fast but no control What is your aim? To hurt To motivate Both Do you even know? Your words slice me like a saw A blade oxidised into rust Blunt Your wound isn’t clean It doesn’t leave a straight red line Or a quick way to heal Like a zip Or a trail of blood To show someone else my way Your words tear my skin An impossible jigsaw An empty space Your words leave a scar Pink Like my favourite colour of lipstick But it is angry It burns It rips open Again

30

The final call Breathe, Slow and gentle, Like your trying to make a candle flicker, The darkness shifts shapes, In and out, (how else would you breath? Up down?), Smile, Practice your face, Carefully control each muscles contraction, Tightening, To create a (forced) relaxed face, You spiral your hair around your finger, Wind and unwind, Twist your fingers around each other, Tangle into bending shapes, Stop, Smile, Just be normal for five ******* minutes. Curtains up The act has started, No mistakes, The shell must be maintained, No cracks, ‘I’m fine’ (I’m breaking), ‘everything is great’ (everything hurts), ‘I will be okay’ (I want to die), Look carefree, Sylphlike. Your cracking, Your (pretending to be) tall, Holding the space, The room, As much as your (small) body can, Your actions exaggerated, Slowed, They see only (the fake) you. Curtains fall Just in time. They cant know, No muscles in your face contract, This is you, Dead eyed, dejected you, The candle has blown out, Smoke rises from the wick, Curling, Choking you, Until you convulse, Until your reflection shatters, Lines cut through you, The pieces fall on to the floor, And you are empty. Black, Bleak, A shadow. Curtain call

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Apr 25, 2018

Apr 25, 2018 at 4:18 PM UTC

Aishah

The Acts I Play

The final call Breathe, Slow and gentle, Like your trying to make a candle flicker, The darkness shifts shapes, In and out, (how else would you breath? Up down?), Smile, Practice your face, Carefully control each muscles contraction, Tightening, To create a (forced) relaxed face, You spiral your hair around your finger, Wind and unwind, Twist your fingers around each other, Tangle into bending shapes, Stop, Smile, Just be normal for five ******* minutes. Curtains up The act has started, No mistakes, The shell must be maintained, No cracks, ‘I’m fine’ (I’m breaking), ‘everything is great’ (everything hurts), ‘I will be okay’ (I want to die), Look carefree, Sylphlike. Your cracking, Your (pretending to be) tall, Holding the space, The room, As much as your (small) body can, Your actions exaggerated, Slowed, They see only (the fake) you. Curtains fall Just in time. They cant know, No muscles in your face contract, This is you, Dead eyed, dejected you, The candle has blown out, Smoke rises from the wick, Curling, Choking you, Until you convulse, Until your reflection shatters, Lines cut through you, The pieces fall on to the floor, And you are empty. Black, Bleak, A shadow. Curtain call

57

I am alive I am alive In part because of you Your face is still a blank A mystery I never saw Your voice On the phone Every week ‘How do you feel?’ There was no face to judge ‘Have you thought about hurting yourself?’ Direct ‘Can you keep yourself safe?’ Crucial Questions no one cared or dared to ask Did they really want to know? ‘Yes, I hope so’ Your voice kept me alive And you never even saw my face I hope you know how grateful I am I hope one day I can tell you

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Apr 23, 2018

Apr 23, 2018 at 4:43 PM UTC

Aishah

Dear You

I am alive I am alive In part because of you Your face is still a blank A mystery I never saw Your voice On the phone Every week ‘How do you feel?’ There was no face to judge ‘Have you thought about hurting yourself?’ Direct ‘Can you keep yourself safe?’ Crucial Questions no one cared or dared to ask Did they really want to know? ‘Yes, I hope so’ Your voice kept me alive And you never even saw my face I hope you know how grateful I am I hope one day I can tell you

22

Imagine a blackhole A contortion in the fabric of space Twisting it to breaking point Formed by a star collapsing into itself Running out of fuel Nothing can escape That is me In me Around me Imagine a river And a boat And people on the boat The rapids of the water The same speed as the boat travelling Upwards Going nowhere That is the event horizon Light at a loss Gravity is an equal I am there Desperate And tired And worn out And fatigued And going nowhere What Is The Point? Why don’t I stop? Let myself fall in Just let go Just end this pain I am in the black hole Simultaneously obliterating into pieces Incinerating And no one knows No one can see No one can see this me I’m just freefalling

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Apr 17, 2018

Apr 17, 2018 at 4:06 PM UTC

Aishah

The event horizon

Imagine a blackhole A contortion in the fabric of space Twisting it to breaking point Formed by a star collapsing into itself Running out of fuel Nothing can escape That is me In me Around me Imagine a river And a boat And people on the boat The rapids of the water The same speed as the boat travelling Upwards Going nowhere That is the event horizon Light at a loss Gravity is an equal I am there Desperate And tired And worn out And fatigued And going nowhere What Is The Point? Why don’t I stop? Let myself fall in Just let go Just end this pain I am in the black hole Simultaneously obliterating into pieces Incinerating And no one knows No one can see No one can see this me I’m just freefalling

41

My synthetic misery membrane broke tonight, A tear, It’s content roll down my face, A puddle emerges on my pillow, It could not hold in any more It could not hold me, I could not smile any longer, Artificial Fake Trapped inside my membrane Drowning in its contents It surrounds me. Can I break it? Should I break it? Am I it? Will it break me?

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Mar 29, 2018

Mar 29, 2018 at 7:53 PM UTC

Aishah

Synthetic misery membrane

My synthetic misery membrane broke tonight, A tear, It’s content roll down my face, A puddle emerges on my pillow, It could not hold in any more It could not hold me, I could not smile any longer, Artificial Fake Trapped inside my membrane Drowning in its contents It surrounds me. Can I break it? Should I break it? Am I it? Will it break me?

16

My bones feel like they are about to collapse. My muscles ache, One more movement is impossible. My feet drag in the mud, Creating deep scars, An imprint of my existence. The sun burns my pale porcelain skin. Its light overpowers my eyes, Obscures my path, With a blinding white. There is a town waiting for me , At the end of my journey. I cannot see it right now. Its elusive in nature. It shifts from place to place. No remnants of its existence. Yet I am sure it exists. What other reason would I have for travelling? Other people talk of it. They talk of the children playing in the waist length grass. They run and climb, It does not inhibit their movements but spurs them on. The chorus of their laughter can be heard for miles. They talk of the cherry blossoms, which fall from the trees like eternal snow. It compliments the vibrant magenta of the flowers dotted around the field. They talk of birds which sit in the trees and sing in a perfectly synchronised euphony. The trees provide a cool shade and a place to nap. The sun is warm and endearing. The light illuminates the colours around you. My knees are shaking. I am lying on the dirt ground of a desolate, wasteland. It is soft and beckons me to rest. I close my eyes and allow the black void to engulf me. I allow myself to fall into the black hole. The gravity is crushing my spine. light is swallowed up by the invisible break in space. I am in a bottomless abyss and I am too heavy to escape. Someone yanks me up. They throw me a rope and drag me up. "Are you alright?" She asks. I nod in a half-stupefied fashion waiting for the world to stop spinning. More and more people materialise their chatter the background noise of their universe. I turn back to the girl. Her mouth makes some strange shapes I cannot decipher. Her face contorts and twist. The ends of her lips elevate. She opens he mouth. Laughter. Loud, high pitched laughter. Laughter that says careless joy. I reach up and touch my face. My cold finger feel my soft warm lips. Their shape has changed. It has been a while. I laugh until my stomach hurts And my cheeks feel numb. Tears stream from my eyes. My voice sounds different, At first it is quiet and horse. I choke on my words. As I continue to talk it grows, Louder, Warm, Confident. I follow them. We chatter, The ensemble of our voices harmonise into a melody. They act as chords in a symphony. The land around us has transformed, Into a fertile field of lush grass. A river flows peacefully into the distance. The moss feels cool on my feet. The light dances through the trees, As they sway gently in the wind, Which feels cool on my face. I continue to follow them, Walking, talking, laughing, And occasionally leading, Into the unknown distance.

0

May 6, 2017

May 6, 2017 at 5:29 AM UTC

Aishah

The journey

My bones feel like they are about to collapse. My muscles ache, One more movement is impossible. My feet drag in the mud, Creating deep scars, An imprint of my existence. The sun burns my pale porcelain skin. Its light overpowers my eyes, Obscures my path, With a blinding white. There is a town waiting for me , At the end of my journey. I cannot see it right now. Its elusive in nature. It shifts from place to place. No remnants of its existence. Yet I am sure it exists. What other reason would I have for travelling? Other people talk of it. They talk of the children playing in the waist length grass. They run and climb, It does not inhibit their movements but spurs them on. The chorus of their laughter can be heard for miles. They talk of the cherry blossoms, which fall from the trees like eternal snow. It compliments the vibrant magenta of the flowers dotted around the field. They talk of birds which sit in the trees and sing in a perfectly synchronised euphony. The trees provide a cool shade and a place to nap. The sun is warm and endearing. The light illuminates the colours around you. My knees are shaking. I am lying on the dirt ground of a desolate, wasteland. It is soft and beckons me to rest. I close my eyes and allow the black void to engulf me. I allow myself to fall into the black hole. The gravity is crushing my spine. light is swallowed up by the invisible break in space. I am in a bottomless abyss and I am too heavy to escape. Someone yanks me up. They throw me a rope and drag me up. "Are you alright?" She asks. I nod in a half-stupefied fashion waiting for the world to stop spinning. More and more people materialise their chatter the background noise of their universe. I turn back to the girl. Her mouth makes some strange shapes I cannot decipher. Her face contorts and twist. The ends of her lips elevate. She opens he mouth. Laughter. Loud, high pitched laughter. Laughter that says careless joy. I reach up and touch my face. My cold finger feel my soft warm lips. Their shape has changed. It has been a while. I laugh until my stomach hurts And my cheeks feel numb. Tears stream from my eyes. My voice sounds different, At first it is quiet and horse. I choke on my words. As I continue to talk it grows, Louder, Warm, Confident. I follow them. We chatter, The ensemble of our voices harmonise into a melody. They act as chords in a symphony. The land around us has transformed, Into a fertile field of lush grass. A river flows peacefully into the distance. The moss feels cool on my feet. The light dances through the trees, As they sway gently in the wind, Which feels cool on my face. I continue to follow them, Walking, talking, laughing, And occasionally leading, Into the unknown distance.

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