I used to wish I had a reason to feel so sad.
Maybe a death in the family or a traumatic injury, morbid as it sounds.
A reason to feel scared, and lost, and all at once a child begging for someone else to takeover for a while.
Crying in the bath is such a cliche but when you're underwater no one can ask what's wrong and be disappointed by the answer.
I don’t have a good enough reason to be sad, I’m only 23 and have an entire life to live but I feel like this is gonna be it, and every week is another long week and every day drags like it will never end.
I feel like I should talk to someone but I’m not sad enough, or I’m not rich enough, or I’m not desperate enough.
People say life finds a way and that it will all sort itself out, but right now in this bath it’s just me and my fears so life can wait a while.
Sep 29, 2020
Sep 29, 2020 at 2:33 PM UTC
I've been crying again but don't worry, I’ve been trying to understand myself and my sexuality since I was young, i came out as bi just to see if the label fit but it feels too controlling and the box gets a bit smaller each time I say the word, I’ve lied to friends about hook ups that never happened and have pretended to enjoy kinks for people I'll never meet in real life. I feel a disconnect to who I'm trying to be and I don't know if I'm scared of accepting myself or if I'm scared of someone getting too close for me to learn it hurts. How do I explain to my friends that I don't understand when they complain about not being with someone for a few weeks when it's been years and how do I know when I'm telling myself the truth and when I'm picking another label, I need someone to tell me what to do but there's no one to ask so I'll keep going until I understand.
Jun 16, 2020
Jun 16, 2020 at 4:17 PM UTC
I find it hard to describe the longing I feel when I think of what’s to come,
The feeling of space in my stomach, making room for future plans and goals.
Sometimes it’s exciting, the possibilities endless in their quest for satisfaction.
Sometimes it’s terrifying, the fear of wasting my ideas to a life of boredom and monotony.
There are so many things I want to do and so much time to do them, but what if I use the time unwisely and never get past writing a bucket list, what if my midnight dreams and sunrise hopes are only ever nice thoughts and the impractical mindset of the young?
Sep 23, 2019
Sep 23, 2019 at 4:15 AM UTC
I find it hard to describe the longing I feel when I think of what’s to come,
The feeling of space in my stomach, making room for future plans and goals.
Sometimes it’s exciting, the possibilities endless in their quest for satisfaction.
Sometimes it’s terrifying, the fear of wasting my ideas to a life of boredom and monotony.
There are so many things I want to do and so much time to do them, but what if I use the time unwisely and never get past writing a bucket list, what if my midnight dreams and sunrise hopes are only ever nice thoughts and the impractical mindset of the young?
Sep 22, 2019
Sep 22, 2019 at 6:42 PM UTC
How easy it is to fall into bad company
Misery is like getting into a hot bath after standing in the rain , the heat soothing bones and setting skin aflame
Loneliness, like a familiar face in a crowd, greeting you with an outstretched hand and a smile
The tiredness is a long car journey, the destination known but not unwelcome
May 13, 2019
May 13, 2019 at 6:28 PM UTC
When the morning comes, I will look back at myself and pity
May 13, 2019
May 13, 2019 at 6:17 PM UTC
I am painfully aware that under this roof I have the most privilege
I do not have diagnosed depression like my father
I do not have to keep a family afloat like my mother
So how selfish it is of me to complain
When you witness the breakdown of another, you learn to accept your own destruction just to keep the peace
Nov 21, 2018
Nov 21, 2018 at 6:52 PM UTC
My empathy and my apathy are interchangeable
Sometimes I care too much, I feel everyone’s pain and fear as strongly as my own, wearing their anger and sorrows in my shoulders
Sometimes I’m too numb to feel much of anything
Joy and laughter go through me as though mist, excitement is a foreign language that I do not understand and don’t care to understand
Aug 20, 2018
Aug 20, 2018 at 4:26 PM UTC
How can I tell the people I love
That I’m scared of being average
That I’ll forever be stuck
Aug 20, 2018
Aug 20, 2018 at 4:20 PM UTC
*My dreams make a mockery of sleep
Leading me into safety with an open hand and a childlike smile
It’s not till I wake later, anxious and scared, that I realise I’ve fallen for the trap once more
They say dreams reflect the subconscious
How a promising start can have a plot twist
And how it is possible to feel almost obnoxiously content in ignorance and blissfully unaware of the knife hiding in the shadows
They say dreams can predict the future
This scares me
What does it say about me that whatever I do, I will always feel deceived, always perceive a soft word and kind eyes as dangerous*
Aug 20, 2018
Aug 20, 2018 at 4:15 PM UTC