becca-brownWhisper

American
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the goddess heartbreakThe familiarity with which your new lover spoke to me had me desperate for air as the two of you, seemingly unaware of the atmosphere, convened before me on my own bed with such affection that I felt physically nauseous. Maybe, you’ll say, it was just the tequila but no. I know the difference between a feeling in my stomach and the extreme discomfort that is heartbreak, only this is different from the heartbreak I used to know. / The last time I met her, this foul beauty sat atop my chest like an elephant and kept me from my life. She whispered sweet “not good enoughs” in my ear all day long and laughed at how pathetic I was all through the night. She was heavy and dark, then, but today she comes to me hand in hand with something altogether new. I don’t quite know yet how to put my finger on it. The best I can do for you is describe this panicky feeling that they give me. / It starts in the pit of my churning stomach, a tingly sensation like how you feel when you’re minutes away from receiving a reward you’ve waited months for, only warped by a second force like thick, sticky fire. I am scared of losing what we had, though I know that it’s already gone. I know you’re already gone. But I’m still holding onto this thing that I poured my time, energy, and soul into because why wouldn’t I? Artists all have one project that they slave over for years with no true reward or outcome. One that haunts them in their dreams at night and invalidates every other success in their career. It is their personal Portrait of Dorian Gray. I’m lucky, though, because I’m a writer not an artist so my Portrait just so happens to be you, Heartbreaker. My cruel mistress sends you to be in many forms but this time you managed to take a part of me home to her.
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Sep 25, 2017
rawi thought once that Hell was a pain i could / face for you / for you
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Sep 18, 2014
this hell we've builtI am no longer searching for the end of the rainbow. / I'm not looking for a treasure chest, no Prince Charming, not some perfect fairy tale ending. / I am looking for
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Jan 28, 2014
attention whorei hate myself because i go out of my way to get attention and pity / sometimes it's hard for me to understand why / but then i walk into a house
20
Jan 27, 2014
Love I've KnownI have known love in intense volumes, but never have I known love with the same sickness which shrouded mine for you. Never have I looked at someone with such simultaneous loathing and adoration. Never have I wanted so much to be near someone, just as I find myself wishing I will never see them again. / And I have known love for an army of men. I have known love for the chilling sea, for the delicate beauties of life and love for the light of human souls. But never have I known a love like this and forever you will be my strongest weakness, my only weakness. You are like the lamp of a genie that traps me, holds me to this earth. To you I must always return, but to me your arms will always be barred. / And we sit across this room from one another, pretending to be friends, but we both know that we will never feel, never see, never breathe with such raw, burning clarity of passion as we did with one another and I catch your eye and lay my hand on your knee out of habit and your breath catches in confusion and I remember my place. I am not sitting on your lap and playing with your hair and cooing sweet things at you. I'm sitting across a room from you, and your ocean eyes wash waves of thought onto the muddy banks of mine and I feel your thoughts in my heart and I miss having the right to hold onto them. I miss the weight of them on my shoulder and the rip rip ripping of them into my soul and the way I sank further into the ground with each one I held.
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Jan 22, 2014
What A Girl WantsI want you. I want your hand in mine. I want your smile to be my fault. I want to hear you say my name again without reservation, knowing that there's a string tied to the end of it that begins in my heart and I want. I want to look into those eyes again for as long as I want without someone getting suspicious. Without you getting suspicious. And I want to call you up in the middle of the night, bawling because I had a dream that we broke up and feel your arms around me even though you're not there. I want to call you Baby and know that I'm the only one. I want. I want. I want / You will never look at me the same way. You will never love me like I want you to love me. And I fear, I fear, I fear that these things are truer than the air I breathe but God, I have enough hope in me to slaughter and Japanese army, and we both know that hope kills and her only enemy is emptiness but God, who would want that? / So I hope. I hope, I hope, I hope you might feel even a microscopic but of what I do for you. I hope you love me still so I can stop praying to a God I know deep down I will never really believe in. I hope you say yes. I hope you never tell me no again. I hope. I hope I don't cry over you again, but for you. With you, even. But I hope you never need to cry again. I hope you stop seeing me as a child. I hope you learn that I am not innately independent, never was, never will be. I hope you take my weaknesses in stride and stop being repelled by them. I hope you let me learn to expect less from you, because I can do that if it means that I get to see
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Jan 22, 2014
handsEager hands reach out, / brush the starlight / with the tips on their fingers.
60
Jan 21, 2013
Writingi've always written best when my emotions run high / when tears spring from my eyes / when my cheeks flush
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Jul 13, 2012
everything is OkayAll day long, / there are explosions all around me. / Some times they're blue
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Jul 13, 2012
The Lost BattleYou broke open my ribs, / and pulled out my heart, / flattened it out,
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May 16, 2012
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