Sick of defending my worth
while you're constantly complaining,
putting on a show.
We know we're not changing
so spare me the side hugs - let's cut our losses
Our castle is made of toothpicks, look closer
And I'm done rebuilding after each one of your blows
I'll lie here scattered amongst the others who fell short, content
as you revel in your face-value ties, buying friendships
emerald for emerald, eye for eye
seeing who you can impress next
til daddy's bank runs dry

She listens
but does she care
the woman who's always there
a peeping Tom, interrupting as she wishes
like your drunk aunt at Christmas
unaware and incoherent
doing her best nonetheless

Let's talk more about nothing
See where it takes us
From the bed to the couch to the floor
I'll explore your bumps and bruises
But won't dare hold your hand
Cover your body in kisses
And pretend I'll never care

Envelop me in your octopus arms
Tickle me with your tresses
And I'll worship you 'til my days are gone
And my sorrows undone

Lend a hand
your touch, a tender rave
Lay with me
let's bathe in ecstasy

Tomorrow I'll rid my sheets of you
but today, I breathe you in one last time
fill my lungs with those nebulous lies
Puff puff pass, to the lucky one
who's next?

I was drawn to you
Was it the conversation,
Irish accent,
or just Le Labo?

You may have lit the match
but I had already poured
gasoline all over the floor
Darling, we were only
meant to unite in smoke

Hope is two-faced
How she keeps us going
but also stuck
in the same place, all at once
waiting for something
that could be nothing
after all

Three gin martinis
He asked me my fetishes
Over 'fore it started

In a parallel world
where clouds lived in the sea
and whales traversed the sky
perhaps you and I'd be 'we'

I wonder when
I stopped being
your favorite

Arizona sunsets
all encompassing hugs
a stranger's compliment
a familiar, once-lost song
fleetingly transport
to a time before
before yearning, before loss
Moments that quench my thirst
and remind me
I'm right where I belong

If only they added up
and made up for
the seemingly missing -
a pair of lips pressed against mine
someone to share the mundane
For now I embrace this
Hopper-esque combination
of peace and melancholy
nostalgia and (be)longing
hoping these little joys
will be more than enough

I can't put my finger on this feeling
Is it mine alone
or is it a part of life
like the sun's extended escape?
Will it pass with the clouds
in a few days
or has the climate permanently changed?
And how do I accept the latter, learn
to revel in the freedom
embrace my body pillow, and rise
with a smile on my face
knowing that choices
are endless and all mine
without wondering about how
the grass may be greener in pairs?

A single earring
maybe a sock
a smidge of pride
perhaps for the best
Lo que pasó
lost
dispensable
so we thought

In the shadows of my mind
somewhere behind
useless facts and birth dates of
those no longer in my life
I hope to excavate
memories of childhood
distant comforts
like after-school walks 'round the block
cozy movie nights, three on the couch
follow-up recaps over lunch
whiffs of my mother's Indian cooking
met with scoffs
sounds of crickets at dusk
and more non-events that have led me
to these renewed moments of musing

I've never believed in meant to be
just happenstance
that swallows me whole
and sharpens each blow
each time I'm let down
Today I wipe away another tear
and think to myself
how sweet it would be
to share a bed
with destiny

I can't let go
of the day when everything was tinted gold
and the sun felt a little warmer
those 18 hours
when I felt so wanted
reacquainted with hope
formerly buried beneath
layers of disappointment
Now I find myself
chasing that high over and over
and catching whiffs of sweet cherries
that kissed your neck
that one night together we spent

With crisp mornings
come cooler evenings
and an unwelcome adieu
to the partner of my dreams
the only one who wraps me in warmth
an iridescent glow, a confidence
some only get after a few spirits

I'll miss her fondly
and the levity she brings
with each comforting breeze
gently brushing aside
yesterday's worries

In the rear view mirror
the Blue Ridge Mountains
blend in with the sky
sharp edges
hardly discernible
in the monochrome
along with a version of me
I unknowingly left behind

Pinch me
Fold me
Make me scream
Use me
Choose me
Let me dream
Bite me
Fight me
Let me bleed
Cloak me with your cool breath
Tell me you want me
Make me plead
Hurt me
Hold me
Whatever you need
As long as it reminds me
What it's like to feel

All stories
no substance
What were we
but in a trance
Was it even real
or were we Peter Panned?

Eyelid kisses
Buried intuition
Beneath warm fuzzy feelings
Fooled me for two years

I know I shouldn't do it
but short term pleasure
always seems to win
over long term pain
Though I’ve been burned before
scars as a reminder
the heat of the moment
pulls me back in
to your body as we play with fire
through the early morning hours

And suddenly
The leaves are back on the trees
Reminding me that nature rebounds
Faster than I can heal

The black leather chair
Got whiter by the day
Heavy with memories of you
Fading away

I've found there exists a fine line
between carefree and careless
and (un)lucky for me
even with thick lenses
I struggle to see it

The tides are at war
clashing in all directions
challenged by strong evening winds
trying not to be swayed

I was told to become
my own best friend
so I tried
I really tried
bundled up
and took myself out
coffee shops, jazz bars, long walks
sat for hours wrapped in thought
sometimes truly felt okay
but on down days
hugging myself just never felt
quite the same

The East River ebbs and flows
reflecting in the glow of the night
ripples so hypnotizing
like her unforgettable hazel eyes

Do you still think of me?
Or is my memory strewn haphazardly
across frost-bitten sidewalks
like once-beloved Christmas trees?
Formerly prized possessions
decaying near piles of garbage
having served their purpose
in due time
replaced by others, perky
and piercing green

The radiator screams
intrudes a good night's sleep
and derails my dream
the only place these days
I feel peace

I’m left to stare at the ceiling
envying all the rest
my upstairs neighbors are getting
I wonder, what are they dreaming
as the heat ensconces me
and I turn to my side
waiting apprehensively
for the next shriek

While I try to get myself out of bed
she glistens in the distance
rubbing it in, hues of pink and gold
bannered across the midriff
of her soaring buildings
reminding me of her flawlessness
and another day sold

I hate when people say stay strong
just because they can't stand
to see me fall
the person who taught me to live is gone
and now I'm older than she was
the day we first spoke of her in past tense

Seasons twice changed
the trees nearly bare now
still my mind barrages my heart
with memories as I struggle to accept it

Maybe one day I'll pick myself up
but for now
I'm staying on the ground
on a bed of soggy autumn leaves
drenched in tears

Your fingers tangled in mine
our only compatible parts
magnetized
like tetrominoes
turned phantom limbs

It’s been four years
since we've talked
hugged
laughed
I think of you
now more than ever
and regret that I couldn't before
suppose it was just too hard
but with each passing year
its harder to distract myself, ignore
I wonder how different life would be
if you were still here
I wonder what will happen
in another four

I fear Winter
for with it intrudes
the loneliness that consumes
as soon as the sun shies away

We sat mostly in silence
six-pack beside us
on that brittle October night
As the second hand slid further
past a day no longer
I tried my hardest
to keep my eyes from swelling
my limbs, trembling
watching the pristine skyline
flaunt its might
Amongst scattered words,
in hindsight, superfluous
turned out your presence was all I needed
to feel most un-alone

If the petals
can still cling
to their limbs amidst a storm
I suppose I can stand tall
upon a change in the winds

I've been reckless
in the name of adventure
experience
presence

But suddenly
the 'why nots'
have costumed
as 'whys'
as I sit reflecting
afraid of my reflection
on memories
waiting to be dusted
learning, hoping  
to face the emotions

You gave me all the affection
all the affirmations
made me feel secure, seen
sure
all the while
full of doubts that you stored
quietly under the rug
the one we bought together
for our new home
the one I threw out today
in hopes of learning how to unlove

I dream of the night
I can stare at the moon
and not be reminded of you

And until then
I hope the sun
swaddles me tight

I gave you everything I had
and you didn’t think twice
naively, till the end
when we became
strangers again

Abandoned, forlorn
A single glove on the floor
Forever alone

I'll take you as is
sour, sweet, or in between
no sugar added
'cause you'll always be
my favorite
So pucker up baby
show me what you've got
under all that thick skin

Through his last breath
in embrace
she whispered
'tighter, tighter'

Hammered on the wall
listless
a once-rebellious girl
looks out
Sun-up, sun-down
there she hangs
with an apathetic gaze
that mimics mine
when I look at the man
lying next to me
A little aged, dusty
but mostly the same
still vibrant
on the outside

A prudent investment
at first glance
turned constant reminder
of wanting
something different
Undoubtedly it's time
for a change
I guess I'll just sell
the painting.

some deem it poison
others freedom
chemical concoction
come for me
comfort me, quickly
with a gentle caress
so I can see
what comes next

hazelnut crunch
salted pretzel
extra dark chocolate
burnt caramel drizzle
A satisfaction unmatched
lingers on my tongue
a shame I ate the last one

The good thing
about aging is
receiving fewer calls
that command decoration
of an otherwise dull
daily routine.
Details of
the made-up cake I ate,
an extravagant meal.
Dreaded jokes
about added wisdom
fooling no one;
we're all just feigning, fading.
Over and over again.
So ordinary.  

Let's be honest.
There's only been one change
since that last conversation
exactly a year ago -
a heavier number.
One more ring in this stump
that awaits its demise,
its call-to-fame.
Cut down one day
put to use
shredded to paper;
transformed into
another dollar-pizza box
like the one I just stuffed
into an overflowing Manhattan trash can.