A is for Adam the Aardvark and his band the African Ants
B is for Broderick the bumble bee who thinks they are pants

C is for a cynical cat named Crusoe
While D is for Darwin the delightful deer
E is for Eric the elephant who always drinks my beer
F is for Fernando the Fox but in Spain he known as  Zorro
He lost his wife Matilda last week and is now brimming with sorrow
G is for Gerald and yes he is a Giraffe
He wore odd socks last Tuesday and made Heinrich the Hyena laugh
Imelda is an Iguana and she is quite immense, though she is really old but has unstoppable sense.
Jack the Jackal has a regular name but he is an assassin and has a pretty good aim
K is for Kimberly who happens to be a kangaroo but she doesn't live in the outback anymore because she lives in London Zoo

Laramie the Llama lives south of the United states , he loves hiking in the mountains but one thing he hates, is being mixed up with Arnie the Alpaca.

Monty the Moose loves drinking maple syrup and playing ice hockey,
yes he is a stereotype but I am his Jockey
Nero the Narwhal is the unicorn of the deep, he loves scaring sailors and loves to sleep
Olive the Orangutan is a neighbour of Kimberly the kangaroo
but they have a plan to escape from London Zoo.

Pug is a Pig , just a regular pig, but he wishes to be ferocious and really big
Quentin is a quail and buddies with Pug, he likes eating sunflower seeds but never a slug
Ramon the Rhinoceros also dwells in the Zoo and is part of the escape plan with The red ape and kangaroo , he'll actually be the one to bust them out,
but to get his attention you really must shout.

Sylvia slithers, Sylvia is sleek if you were a mouse and saw her, you'd go EEK!
Terence T. Tiger is terrified, because he was asked to escape from the Zoo,
yes with the Red ape , Rhino and Kangaroo.

Ulysses is a horse who super glued a horn to his fore-head , he wanted to be the last known Unicorn because he heard that they were all dead. Vincent is a Bat, just a Vampire Bat,
he doesn't really like blood but is enemies with Crusoe the Cat.

Warren the wolf has many female fans but spends half the day with Eric the Elephant drinking my cans .Xenops is not an alien , it's just a rain forest bird, I'll give you more info as soon as I've heard
Y is for Yul and I don't mean the bald actor , this Yul is a yak but does watch the X factor
Z is for a Zebra named Zak and yes he does know the Yul the Yak , they were introduced by a certain kangaroo, and now it's their job to visit London Zoo

ZAK'S PRAYER


Little Zak
(just a little scrap of a chap)    
with a deep Barry White voice

enquires(as he enquires
about everything) :

“Why is your hair white? ”

He listens patiently to the explanation
how after a head injury

“I went white overnight! ”

Being a good Christian child
he tells me

he will pray for me
for the “black to be back! ”

I’m very tempted
to dye it for the next day

just to prove his prayer
right.

When his fervent prayer
doesn’t turn the situation around

...he frets:

I tell him
God & me

are both happy
with it…like this.

“Really? ”
He asks.

“Really! ”
I affirm.

“Have it your own way then
but man...

It makes you look
old & grim!"

I grin
tell him that I am what I am

but that I can live with it:
"Ok..!" he sighs "...have it your own way!"

Into his plastic lunchbox
He did, an Orange and biscuit, shove
And said the biscuit to the orange
“Come sit by me, my love”

And the orange, taken by surprise
Gave him a sheepish grin
And flashed her pips and dimples
So he knew they might begin

She was smooth and round and juicy
He was crunchy, brown and fat
She introduced herself as Lucy,
And he said his name was Zak

And throughout the sunny morning
They did laugh and love and tease
When suddenly with no warning
Their lives were torn apart with ease

The sky ripped from their little world
Their peccadilloes for all to view
First Zak, then Lucy disappeared
With a bite, a crunch, a chew.

So dear reader, please take heed
Don’t shy away from love
For we never really know quite when
It’s lunchtime up above.

ZAK'S PRAYER

Little Zak
(just a little scrap of a chap)    
with a deep Barry White voice

enquires(as he enquires
about everything) :

“Why is your hair white? ”

He listens patiently to the explanation
how after a head injury

“I went white overnight! ”

Being a good Christian child
he tells me

he will pray for me
for the “black to be back! ”

I’m very tempted
to dye it for the next day

just to prove his prayer
right.

When his fervent prayer
doesn’t turn the situation around

...he frets:

I tell him
God & me

are both happy
with it…like this.

“Really? ”
He asks.

“Really! ”
I affirm.

“Have it your own way then
but man...

It makes you look
old & grim!"

I grin
tell him that I am what I am

but that I can live with it:
"Ok..!" he sighs "...have it your own way!"

The Empty Chapter
By Zak Whittington

The grey face
The empty chapter
The blank page
The dusty pen beside
-----

Between heartbeats lurks a sad silence
Whose footfalls fall on deaf ears
A beast of pain and shallow fears
He slinks, silent
Soft as the grave to which he will drag you
Cover your eyes
Avert your mind
Cross yourself
Count to three
The monster is here
Between shaking fingers peek and see
A glimpse of profound irony
The Mirror
A horrifying glimpse of Your Self
Alone on a barren world

Desolation

Between lives lies silence
Empty quotes hang stupidly over empty heads
Drying to dust
Turn up the music

Frustration

Shake the shoulder
Strike the hand
Bite the Shepherd
**** the Man
Burn the Book
Ride the Snake
Find the phony
Shoot the fake
Grab the apple
Waste the day
Take the staff
and lead the way

Isolation

With your arms around me
My shoulders have grown cold
Despite the hands on them
The Mirror shows
The Mirror knows
There are no hands

There are no hands in this wasteland
Just me and the rocks
With my heart beneath them

Elation

The Monster awoke before dawn
He put his boots on
He took a mask from his bed-stand
And he tried it on

Hang on quick gimme that mirror my lipstick slipped.
My smile wasn't quite on right.

Watch me dance
Watch me writhe and crawl
Watch me smile through it all
Watch this cheerful, painted grin
As I try to hold it all in
Waiting for the worms to win
I'll never have to lie again
Beneath thin skin,
Flesh rots.

I do a good impression of myself.

Starvation

Fat cat
Big man, pig
Mean one, green one
What do you hope to find?
Love, ***, drugs, joy
Home, cars, health, wealth, life
Cling, clang, fake pain with a tin in hand
Lovey-dove flowers and a Hallmark card
Satisfaction
Exhilaration
Jubilation
The second tree from the corner?
Squinting, with hands awash
Of pennies, nickels, dimes
Buy the way
Buy the light
The rich lead the blind
Kick the bucket
Sell the farm
Leave the world behind
(oh is that the time?)

The diamonds fall from stiff fat hands
Like petals from a rose
Or leaves from a clover
(three leaves? or four?)
Shuffle
Four queens
Three queens
Two queens shine
Two jacks
One jack
One-eyed
Blind
One heart, two heart
Three hearts, four?
As if I even knew anymore

Exaltation

Hot-shot soul man
What a sham you are
Far sight, foresight
Big hats, flashlight
The Family* has it all
Mad man, fake plan
Look down at your shoes
Torn suit
Worn boots
You've got no soles

*The Family:
Forgive me Father for I have sinned
I have watched Brother Jack ******* with the Man
And without a thought of why, I jumped right in
I saw Uncle Sam in bed with the pigs
I have forsaken my kindred
I have held fornication with the Computer and the iPod
I have sold my body for acceptance
I have ******* my neighbor
I have cheated on my wife
And now I love Big Brother too

I have driven the Big Truck
I have ridden the snake
To the edge of the lake
In the heart of the jungle.

When life gives you apples
Make lemonade

Annihilation

Roll out the tanks, boys,
Grab the big guns
We gonna have ourselves
A bit of fun
Spot the *****, sight the Jew
Squeeze off a shot and watch him run

Men run, blood runs
Red dirt drinks it all
In this wasteland
The dogs of war howl misery
Black blood, white blood
The crows aren't biased

Twinkle, twinkle crescent star
How I wonder what you are
White man died red
Saddamite, *******
Surprise the pawn
And now he's dead
Like the top-heavy King
With his massive head
And his high fortress
And his heavy crown
To ashes, to ashes
We all fall down.

But it's all fixed with a quick grin
A hand shake and a blank stare
Then you go back to your corner
And they remember they don't care

Reconciliation

(I do a good impression of myself)

Taketh thy hand up
Rip off thy mask
Do not stop at the skin
For it is shallow and flakey
and comes off quite nice
Don't mind the flesh now
Get to the bones
Dig past the maggots and flies
Until there's nothing left,
Then release your soul with bright knives

...

The world is quiet again
At the eleventh hour
When men are dust
We sit and wait
For the bells to toll

---
The fractured chapter
The soiled page
The broken pen
The jet-black sea
Sprays of darkness on ivory
Splashes of shallow imagery
And dried-up drops of creativity
and with so much left to write

Simplicity is killing me.

Absolute bravery, considering dangerous explosives found goals. Helpless individuals juggled keeping lookout, many new operations, people questioning routes, suspects tortured, unsightly views. Wasted x-rays... young Zak.

ZAK'S PRAYER

Little Zak
(just a little scrap of a chap)    
with a deep Barry White voice

enquires(as he enquires
about everything) :

“Why is your hair white? ”

He listens patiently to the explanation
how after a head injury

“I went white overnight! ”

Being a good Christian child
he tells me

he will pray for me
for the “black to be back! ”

I’m very tempted
to dye it for the next day

just to prove his prayer
right.

When his fervent prayer
doesn’t turn the situation around

...he frets:

I tell him
God & me

are both happy
with it…like this.

“Really? ”
He asks.

“Really! ”
I affirm.

“Have it your own way then
but man...

It makes you look
old & grim!"

I grin
tell him that I am what I am

but that I can live with it:
"Ok..!" he sighs "...have it your own way!"

We **** like adults
We love like adults
But we hide underneath our child-like skin
Underneath a mountain of sheets
Words we try not to repeat
But keep me in the palm of your hand
As you take pictures of my blue painted toes
A flame bursting and caressing
Within me.

Internal space has got some shape
Dark thoughts I try to replace them
Piano sounds swirling, identify this or that
Movie cameras blink, blink
Snap me back into being grateful
For my luck, my surroundings.
Maybe its the holes in the dirt
Outside the view of my window
Or how when I want total control
I imagine hurling myself in front of a car
Or cleaning knives
Like just how I have picked them up throughout all my life
But life as a Ukrainian doctor told me:
"Life is beautiful."

Cathartic, out of body experience
I can't control what I say when I ******
Wail your name with whimpers
Every time you leave my arms
I worry when I will see you again.
I don't know what that is
I don't know what that means
But you tell me and tell me,
You are in this for the long haul.

I dreamed of betrayal and a lost soul last night
Your warm compact body next to me
I don't think you will ever really understand
Me, and all my complexities
But I see you leaping over the highest mountains
Never ending roof tops
That splinter and break
Underneath your perfect made
For grace,
Feet
If it meant, you would get to my embrace.

Your past coos out icy cold fingers from time to time
As mine rolls in hurricanes and thunderous ocean waves
I accept and try to forget
All the fear of the deep south.

Late hours, ticking clocks
Words I don't know what I will speak just yet
But I want to be the glamorous woman next to you
Full of power and freedom
As you, your tattooed longing lips
Reminding me to breathe
Keeping me sane

You are my fire dancer
Within my licking flames.

I dreamed of you last night
As my eyeballs dialed upon and longed to forget
We drove a black hearse
You crawled into the back
Like a defeated squirrel
Still yearning, on the hunt
For the kernel of an acorn
I remember

Your pants were about to come off
You looked at me that way you always
Use to
Like you were forever grieving
Knowing
I was too good for you
But yet you just had to take a bite
To see if I'd flinch and grow rotten.

We got into trouble
There was a clothing store
We were lost
You came and found me
I wanted nothing to do with you
And its all just images now
All just too real, vivid
Instances where I wonder
Did you dream the same?

Explaining my point of view
And I can surely see and indicate what
Yours must have been
Because thats what I do for a living.

But I awoke
As you and the setting
Disappeared like smoke
And I thanked God
I never have to see you take your pants off
And look at me like a dead man
Ever again.

Projections of lights, original paintings
I dropped my drink on the dance floor
On the girl I just met shoes
One after the other the new men
That have come through
Seem to trickle and wink at me
Through my camera lens.

I didn't look for you in the shadows of
The moment we all mark: A New Beginning
I don't know what it really is that I seek from you now
But I know, I know
You've got your own demons
As a multitude reassures me how wrong
You just were, for both of us.

My eyes hurt
The house was lonely and quiet today
As my heart can't help but long
For some kind stability with you
But I only reach my arms out so far
Preparing myself to be braver
Than I have ever been before.

I just wanna smoke ****, kiss
Listen to some amazing music
Like blue green eyes opened next to me this morning
As I waved farewell to 2015
And yet, I still glance through mirrors
Crevices in hidden places
To try and save whatever it was we were.

So much at stake
But I know I could always just walk away
I know none of you would ever want that.

Beautiful tattoos, my kind of language
A free for all bar
I felt so glad, so content
Running around with the most
Beautiful women
Arm in arm, beware what you don't want.

You just texted me back.
Your texts so mundane, with so little color
I wish I didn't feel like I needed
I needed
In my darkest and most memorable moments
You handled me terribly.

And thats the underlying, echoing
Truth of it all.
I don't reply.
I don't text back.
"We are fine. No worries"

If I could pull the plug
On my memory of you
I would.

Two men competed for my attention last night
At the same time
Who will be the one to take her home?
I thought of you so little.
So little.
So little.
My friends are right
My mother is right
Thats what you and your mind
Are.
Little.

ZAK'S PRAYER

Little Zak
(just a little scrap of a chap)    
with a deep Barry White voice

enquires(as he enquires
about everything) :

“Why is your hair white? ”

He listens patiently to the explanation
how after a head injury

“I went white overnight! ”

Being a good Christian child
he tells me

he will pray for me
for the “black to be back! ”

I’m very tempted
to dye it for the next day

just to prove his prayer
right.

When his fervent prayer
doesn’t turn the situation around

...he frets:

I tell him
God & me

are both happy
with it…like this.

“Really? ”
He asks.

“Really! ”
I affirm.

“Have it your own way then
but man...

it makes you look
old & grim!"

I grin
tell him that I am what I am

but that I can live with it:
"Ok..!" he sighs "...have it your own way!"

In all, I am brimming with emotions,
questions I'll never ask and the odd urge to
scratch your head.

We lived it out
Gave it our best shot
"I use to get so caught up in her contradictions"
Watching through footage like I might discover something
I've been peering into the past
The last few days
Because I think I might understand now.

Its nothing new
Nothing I haven't been told 20 times over
But for the first time
I can look and think on you
See that your rage stems from the inner hurt
I was so much more than we could be.

It was in the moments
Where we secretly held hands underneath
Scrambled eggs
Or how you grabbed me late into the night
"Do you know how much I love you?"
"I wish you could see you the way I see you."
I fell in love with how I thought you saw me.

It wasn't you
Or what we had
It was in the belief
That I might could be so treasured at the right time.

So I jumped in
I watched it through
I held a slate and yelled action
You were the most nervous of them all.

I see you now for what you really are and were
And still, I would sit across from you
Extend my hand
And give you nothing but love.

It makes me scratch my head
That you had to do what you did
My best friend says you don't think
You just do
And thats what severs and killed us to death.

That will never change
I put on a pair of spectacles
Thinking I might could orchestrate
How to indicate to you
That I deserved better.

Its weird to think
That this place was sort of yours too
That I was yours
I made it feel good, didn't I?

And thats the rhyme and reason
Why you cannot bare to see even the image
Of my face.

I saw on Instagram
That your new girlfriend
Is single now
She hashtagged single
How did it feel to deny every inch?

I forgive you in my head
Somewhere, somehow
As stupid girls say you are good
They only have their best interest at heart.

But I nod and move on
Upgrading my life with tenacity
Those around me voice a congratulatory worry
But if I don't jump in and just live it
Then I'm just dreaming.

And thats what separates me from among
And within.

I dated my cellphone
This time last year
So yes, I can sing and say
I'm just distrusting and wary.

But the forest floor
Reassured me with abundance
I needn't suffer
Or focus on a lacking of love
Its all around me
Its all around me
Among and within.

Its healing to write
So thats why I do it
My production designer writes a new script
She told me she used my film as a template
And she's slowly been erasing it
And it made my heart pump
A little harder.

I don't know
But thats not entirely true
Yes I do.

Perhaps in time
We can nod in a kind way
A fear bites into my head, my mind
At the thought of hearing your name a thousand more times
Or how my hands must go behind my back
The moment we lay our eyes on each other
But I see you as you really are
A miniture diminutive experience
That welcomed me in purple shorts and a yellow shirt
And all the while

I knew.
I just knew.
So thank you for teaching me a thing or too
And I trust me now.

Ani
Bob
Cat
Dido
E...enough said
Florence
Grace
Hank
Ice T
Janis
Kimbra
Lyle
Melissa
Neko
Olivia
Poe
Queen (this one is tricky)
Robyn
Stevie
Tori
U2
Vic
Waits
XTC
Yo La Tengo
Zak

Many thanks

when i was little my dad used to
call himself God, used to tell me
airplanes were bumblebees, told
me "bored" was just a plank of wood
so that was impossible--
never mumble, use an inside voice
but there's an outside voice, but
i never learned to speak with
conviction from him--

lately i've been calling my brothers
the weeds back there are taking over,
the spiders are everywhere,
god, zak, my heart is breaking
god, little sister I wish I was there, but
I'm not girly.

people used to tell me to howl at the moon
but i've always been afraid of my  own voice
always wanted to scream but replaced the urge
with a smile

be blameless and innocent? Lord, I've been trying
but you can't force what you ain't,
tryin' doesn't seem to be enough for you either
but i've come to find i don't know you as well as
i thought, so bear with me while
I am, while I am
tryin'

My chicken on the vegetable plate I just prepared is getting cold
I write with no music
One of the longest yet
I warned you.
Regardless of where or how you lay your head
I know. You know. We
No, no we.
You were never my we.
This past week, moments involving right now, my path
They all shook my hand, pulled me aside
To tell me that I'm headed in the right direction
That I'm the kind of person they are looking for
Went so far as to say I'm a genius, a revelation
But you had to be the first to tell me you said so
In all those other synonyms.

I think, I was right in my instinct today
My instinct of showing up, face to face
You wouldn't have dealt with it
Any other way, telephone syndrome
Little boy, lost little boy
Syndrome.

I shredded up your note, dumped out all the red wine
You love to give and take away, all of the time
Your mouth twitched tonight
You stared and looked at me
As if you may never see me again
"Your eyes look tired today"
But I looked cool, you said
I scrounged around on hot coffee and deviled eggs
I sat at the table for about 4 hours
I look back now, I made so much progress
Anxiously waiting for you to come downstairs
You couldn't even stop by to say hello
You told me I could come outside if I wanted.

We rode on the train
I stopped you a couple of times in the freezing street
Thinking maybe, weakness and your love
Filling and driving your face
But you had stayed up late in the night
Drank too much
After you stopped answering me
Told your best friend, who kissed me on the lips
Which now seems like centuries ago
And decided once again
Decided once again
Decided once again
LOOP LOOP LOOP
LOOP LOOP LOOP
LOOP LOOP LOOP
Dear God, Layne Marie
He told me he was so sorry "Layne"
On the train.
My name is *******
Layne Marie.

Can that just be it?
Can we really just be done now?
Little green jacket, your chest hair peeking out
You looked at me as if I was gone forever
"And then the swan flew away"
You said you would tell your children someday
I'm a fable, I'm a tale
And thats all I will ever really be to you.

I removed myself from the group
I cut ties like syringes filled with *******
It wasn't enough that you held my face
That one night in February.

You stopped commenting on my poetry
No matter how hard I tried, no matter how MUCH
I stapled or repainted my face, or us
I never saw another poetic thought out of you.

I knew I had to go
I knew I had to be through
As I called you on the phone one last time
And you had trained yourself to sound so removed
Another woman from your past, you intend to be around
Tonight, something may happen, something may not
You called me two days ago to reassure me
To reassure me
To reassure me
LOOP LOOP LOOP
Stuck in reverse
Stuck in reverse
Stuck in reverse.

I didn't have anything sharp enough
So I scratched myself good with some tweezers today
Before my little interview which of course went so well
Before sitting and waiting for death
For the death of us
For the death of us.

Long overdue
Me flying, and flying away
Was so long overdue
I've been here, and I've been here
And I've begged you to really see me
Your eyes looked so sad on the train
But your voice convinced us both
To walk away.

I got off the train
I didn't look back at you until right before I walked through the doors
You tried to look pleasant
Like this wasn't the end of the end
I know exactly what my face looked like
Old Hollywood sorrow mixed with swan freedom.

My mother says we will look back and laugh at this
At you and how I lost myself in the storm of newness
But I wish you all goodness
But dear Zak,
My God, I was and am Captain Hook
Thats never going to change
As I step off the train
You remain, a swan tattooed to your ankle
To remember the most romantic love of YOUR
Life.
Loop. Loop. Loop.
3 times the charm.


She flew the coop
And with fury and drive
Went her own way.

Yellow lemon shirt, bright purple shorts
You grabbed the end of my salmon colored sweater
“I like the texture. I have this thing with textures."
You said to me, our clean swift tanned feet
Escorting us to the city dwelled beach
You wanted to surround me with the same familiarity
You had practiced so many times before
But I was
So new, so fresh, so unknown.

I remember you sat on the bus, and popped open a beer
Too nervous to sit next to me, I kept my cat eye sunglasses--
On all day, your circular RayBans reflecting only me.

Remember the first time you walked into the room
Your longboard in your arms
Swan, brooding in black glamour, your eyes and chest
Seemed so interesting, to little ole me
But you jump swiftly into roof top pools
Budding and swimming, disappearing
Text me only to update me
Pint of Jim Beam, I knew I could keep up with you
I thought maybe you could too.

Theres something about reflecting back on this time
The innocence, nostalgia of it
That fills my bones up with summer soaked skin
Margaritas in the sunshine
As you doted on me through a cellphone
FaceTime became our middle name
As you reached from afar,
Promises we could have written into the sand
Only to watch the wind blow them all away.

Fast forward to walking down the street, arm in arm
You still extend to me sometimes
It feels like we have arrived on different planets
When we choose not to now.
Wings and outstretched newness remaining
Crying under your strong limbs
My heels make me an Amazonian Princess
You chose to not invite me tonight
I guess I don’t blame you
As you walk away from the bar,
I’ll always be eons and centuries far
Away from what we hoped we could be.
Kisses that grew with intensity and longing
Ducks and swans eating eggs and pie
Such contentment, falling asleep nestled like little dolls
You wanted
I wanted
We wanted
We hoped
For this to be
It.

Sweeping into our childhoods
Our families, the cities we thrived in
They’re so different, we couldn’t be more different
We ate sandwiches and should have held hands under the table
Like we do now at times at late night diners
Our loneliness and longing
We reinvent with time and poisonous bottles.

You said the other day
That my poetry feels like a story now
But I teach a lesson with each?
Green leaves edging up the length of your legs,
Our mamas so eloquently speak the truth
Your spine, remember all the times
You professed your love?
As I watched with careful eyes
Running away a little at a time.

We walked to the movies together
Lips smudged in deep red
I remember turning to you afterwards
"I love the fact that a WOMAN edited that!!"
The look of wonder in your eyes
Has kept me here
Bopping and bebopping
All along.

Fire hair, unicorn woman
Other men and women dance next to you
But your eyes shift away
Looking into my face
But you turn to go
Once you see I was never yours to keep.

Unbuttoning, dancing into the wee hours of the night
Across gallery openings
Crowded rooms
The windows of buses
Brown hazel eyes that look like mossy green forests
In the natural sunlight
Delicate but hard rugged skin
Tattoos that made sense under the ink of a gun
Spiky hair that can’t decide which way to sit
Chiseled features, and those lips I’ll always miss a bit
Strength personified by angels sewn into skin
A stature often teased but so mobile, grounded, and free
And lastly the beating entity in your chest full of carefree
Amorous beginnings and endings, humors manners
Compiled into the nymph who ran away with my heart in May
And I lament, "Will I forever be chasing pixie dust?"

I love you.
So much.
I do.
You love me.
You do.
So much.

But I watch you sprinkle the environment
The atmosphere,
Swans biting and swirling around it all
Directing and flying into the shining sky
A beacon of tomorrow and the tomorrows to come
As we inch forward and inch back
Like wild hunters on the loose
With your kindness, your sincere interest
Wonder
You always understood me.

I don't have the answers
I don't know how to keep you
I don't know how to reinvent what we were
As our bodies demand and beg for love
But we
But you
But I,
Insert the perfect answer here.

I knew I always would—
Drifting further and further away with each day
Sometimes I long for you to rush
Through the rip tides and muddy waters
Of the deepest ocean
To rise on the other side
Gasping for air, fingers reaching
As if escaping from a pirouette
I long to encircle it all in frothy candy canes
Unicorn blood stained new found friendship
But we send pics, conveying how removed we are
Blowing out every single candle.

I thought I would have all the proper words
That I could articulate so simply
So simply and with lightness
But you turn 24 in 3 minutes.

I guess I imagined all of this differently
Entangling myself in all of the vines of my words
My thoughts, my fears, my joy
I gave them away to you like little trinkets
A book of poetry, sums up everything we were
But if I compiled it all
It would take me years.
Everything we are
As I curl with love into who I am
As I explode with prophetic cinematic splatter paint
As the ripest orange zests and still professes
Just like we did that warm fall Missouri wedding day.

Thank you.
Thank you for the stories to share
For unknowingly becoming a muse
In my elfin ear.

I placed a sunshine emoji next to your name
In my cellphone
Last week
Because thats what you are
Thats what you will always be
No matter how many times our hands reach
Only to fall back to our sides
As we remember and dote on the time
I told you I was a Southern Woman
And you chased me down the street
Inked yourself with the metaphoric image of me
I wave farewell to it all--
As I held you so dearly in the palm of my hand
Little porcelain
Little porcelain

Baby.
Doll.

Happy Birthday Zak.

Hot green tea
Lemons, bitter lemons in ******* everything
I talk and circle around myself
Avoiding distracting insomnia driving
Smoke clouds tonight.
My hands and finger tips sometimes
Late into the night
Or early in the morning
As if puppeteered by something
Stronger and more colossal than myself
I slice the strings with my bare teeth.

Sitting and gazing at the glorious southern sky
I spend too much money
Feeling like a modern day Blanche DuBois
My hair is so ******* blonde.

Lets discuss drugs and just how they will infect our veins
A big thought when inspecting a dead possum
Play possum in our front yard tonight
Little brother donned surgical gloves, a trash bag
Mama geared him up right
Its got rabies, everyone chimed
As I sat in silence in the kitchen
Stuffing chicken and too buttered for my taste
Broccoli in my face, come look at it, come look at it
Its so dead
I refused, eating with nothing but the TV
Warning of severe winter storms
And a mending heart
Staying away from what you should allow to be the past
On the news.

I wanna be thinner
Stronger
Braver
My hair longer
I wanna be invincible
I want to be able to see you in the room
And not give a flying ****.

But lets face it, Zak.
Our hearts will pound a little harder
We will drink a little bit more of whatever is in our hands
As we avoid and dodge thoughts
New Years Eve approaching
I place my phone back on my desk
To do just that.

Writing, so painfully seeing our story
My story with so many
Becoming fully realized
But how beautiful, how freeing
As I stood on that playground cage
My arms stretched out
I knew none of this would be easy

Looking and storming through an army of wrong faces
I painted the doorway of my art studio, so young
I saw it again for the first time today
In what seems like eons
I knew exactly what it meant.

We document our innermost feelings
A photo captured there
Filtered to look like our feelings
Music swells and hums in my ears
I felt the desire, the need to just type and say
"I'm so sorry Zak."

But I didn't do it.
My phone got soaked
Went too far on the bus
Like the elements of the universe
Cried it all away
Washed away all our sins
So that I could be strong once again.

Getting caught up in some heavy difficult ****
Ain't no child's play no more
I wonder sometimes if my friends really even respect me
Or if I'm just some stupid ******* blonde joke
And I'm not even all that pretty.

And sometimes
In the pit of my mind
I'll think
I'm really not all that beautiful
I'm just brave.

And sometimes that makes me really sad.

Its funny how
Every moment, word exchanged
I load them into my vault
Save them for later
Its all material
My God, its all material
And theres something about the word
Director
That feels and tastes so ******* good
In my hearts of hearts
That I've been searching and longing for
And I remember sushi
And a long summer dress
Straight blonde hair
Working out more, eating more
And having moments of horror
"I guess I'm just a business woman now?!"
I would stutter, a glass of whiskey in my hand
My fairy best friend dropping gem like words
Along the way.

That girl has evolved
And continues to evolve
And I comfort myself knowing and trusting
I don't have to give anything up
The road just becomes
Clearer.

So I didn't text you.
I stayed in my rain soaked clothes
And trusted they would dry
In time.

We are nearly there
A phase of red
White and I think
I wore a short dress
Saying the word Zak or Zac
It is now to a new friend
Like I didn't come here
Only to have my arm twisted
My eyes held up
Like a razor blade
To all I hoped
But realized
That didn't belong to me
That night
I saw him through the mirror
Like a thorned birdcage
Simplifying and begging things
To go his way
My way
And then just like an invisible thistle
I traipse around town so seldom
Not due to a lack of ambition
But from a fatigue
Of knowing, losing, and regaining.

I stir the ***.
I wish I collected compliments
I seldom truly get
Like the trophies and plaques that once
But still
Covered my room like a cacoon
Not because I deserve them
But because I will be good
And be the very best
I can be
At anything I decide interests me.

Ik heb mijn kaarten niet verspeeld,
ik heb mij niet verveeld.
Ik heb een zak en die is plat.
Ik heb de kaarten nooit gehad

Het einde van de beurt,
vijftig euro weggespeeld,
mijn moeite afgekeurd,
ze had zich zelfs verveeld.

Met al mijn bezit in een zak
aan een stok, op mijn schouder,
schommelend, achter de rug,
kijk ik nog één keer om,
twee vingers aan de lippen,
daarna naar de lucht,
het liep hier op de klippen,
'k zal ergens anders moeten zoeken
naar de verboden vrucht.