It doesn't matter how hard I try
I never seem to get away
Cause after all you did to me
I fear these feelings will always stay

Your lies I believed were the truth beneath
The pain recedes but the heart bleeds
My instincts were right all along
I’m just a part of your love song

You see, I live my life in fear
Fear I won't succeed
And every small critique I get
Makes me once again recede

My Iloveyous to you were inevitable
Like the sun emitting his ardor
Despite the moon in slumber’s nocturne
He shines brightly with fervor

I live my life, always afraid
That I am not on the right path
And if I take one small misstep
I'll have to face somebody's wrath

Time consumes me while I waste it away
Like grains of sand as I clenched and ran
Only to lose it
Again and again

I am eternally scared
That all my judgments are wrong
And if I ever meet someone
They'll only like me for so long

But then I met you out of the blue
You were trying to forget someone too
We sparked like fireworks in the night sky
But the fire burnt out and our colors faded hue

I live my life in constant fear
I fear that you were right
I simply am not good enough
And I will not be alright

Thank you for proving me right
That we were not meant to be
How could you love another light
When I was the one your darkness pleased

But even worse than all these things
Is my terror that someday
I will meet someone else like you
And not be able to get away.

You complete me
&
You destroyed me

Sunrise and tide were getting brights,
He was heading somewhere,
She didn't even know as well,
Accidentally stopping on the shore,
Hoping she didn't mind, and more.
Tipsified by that kind of exhilaration,
Seeming steady to erase their philophobia,
They opened up their hearts full of passion.
Expecting to be forever on the same shell,
To live their shared dreams full of lights,
Letting the waves sing them where to go...

Falling.
they say that it’s exhilarating
like a fast car at midnight
cheeks aching from
the grin that couldn’t be held back
warm fingers laced between
the imperfections
forgotten
and yourself
found.

But
what if the car
crashes
and cheeks become tear stained
cold hands holding your own head
heavy with thought
and memories
lost and
broken.

I suppose
I’m yet to find a
fall
that seems worth all the
what if’s.

i loved you to the extent
where i would swear upon myself
if you didn't exist in my life
it would be living hell

you showed me it was mutual
but i don't believe in actions without words
'cause what are actions for
if they support nothing

i continued to love you
to the point where it would hurt
where a little pain
in the heart would spurt

one day all of you vanished
and i was left to wonder
what's to become of us now
without you leaving anything

i can't even explain
how hell it is compared to before
i don't blame you for losing me
i blame you for making me scared

scared to fall in love all over again

i know this is just what i'm like because this is how i've felt every time i've gotten emotionally close to someone and i don't want to tell you what's wrong and i don't want to admit that i am sad inside because you like me well enough as it is and i don't want to ruin that. i don't want you to worry about me because i know i'll be fine and i'll be better and this sadness i've felt inside for the past six years doesn't define me and doesn't determine whether or not i should be loved. if anything love is something i know i deserve and maybe will help the effects the sadness has on me but i know how it feels to be hurt and my mind tries to pick and choose certain moments to try and disprove everything that you've told me because how? i look in the mirror and i can't see what you see and although that doesn't mean it isn't there they say seeing is believing and how can i believe something i don't see? my legs ache and my stomach hurts and the emptiness in my chest wants me, begs me to find some sort of control and i can't. this isn't something that is able to be controlled or manipulated. it happens or it doesn't, and that's just it.

The fear of love
Dreading the aftermath
You can't predict

r

Philophobia (sonnet 14)

Last night I left my thought at the doorstep of her eyes.
The fear of her being with another guy.
I will wait! no more step to another girl’s heart.
For no one is better than.
The next day I couldn’t remember the thought.
I rang the bell twice and the echo answered the door.
I watched the mountains kissing the heaven,
I saw the fountains spying the river.
longing my mind to another level,
And the waves clasped one another.
Love after love I saw my beloved,
No more wandering lonely in lust,
my soul will not quench even when my feeling is out of sight.
I love you from the depth of my heart
                    Inamorata

I hate that almost half
Half of all marriages
end in divorce
Divorce that leaves
at least one of the two
in complete shambles
begging for help
on the bathroom floor

I hate that 70%,
More than half
of all men, admit
to cheating on their lady
the lady they once
loved so deeply
left to wonder,
Am I not enough?

I hate that 4 million
ladies experience bruises
on their beautiful bodies
from their so-called lovers
Leaving the girl, broken
And scarred for life

I hate, that I'm
Scared
No, terrified
Of these possibilities

But most of all,
I hate
Absolutely loathe
That I don't hate you
In fact,
It's the complete opposite

It's hard.
I was afraid to love.
Then i loved you.
You made me happy,
I wanted to stay alive.
Then you broke my heart,
And I started to cry
But now you can see,
What was left of me.
*Why I'm so afraid to love...

i wasn't ready for you
and i knew you weren't ready for me.
i was scared to show you the mess between my ribs and the hurricane inside my head. i was afraid you'd cower and run.
but they say time, time is the true narcotic for pain
and they were right.
because now i am more than willing to cut my heart open knowing it would only bleed your name
i am willing to tear every layer of my skin to show you what i'm made of.
everything that makes me, me.
my scars, my fears, my hopes and my dreams
my "night pieces" ; the pieces i only share with the moon.
i will show them all.
because i want you to know that i am not perfect
(i am tired of trying to be)
i am a storm beneath flesh and bones
i am made up of tiny cracks and holes that could never be filled
and they are what makes me whole.
i will be your biggest tidal wave.
but darling, if you accept me for everything that i am
and everything that i'm not,
i promise to love you like you've never been loved before.

It feels like my head is at war with my heart.
Thoughts roaming free,
While feelings imprisoned in my chest.
Contained in a cell surrounded by pain,
pinned to the ground being abused and tamed.

Driven' insane by the memory of your kiss,
Because I know I'll try to keep myself from the sweet taste of your lips.
Your fingerprints left behind on my skin,
from a crime that we couldn't find the time to fully commit.

When your hand parted with mine,
My fingers had never felt so lonely.
As if you dug up some hidden pain I repressed without any remorse.

Too many secrets shared while we were dazed,
Hoping you'll forget mine,
But each word of yours I seared in my brain.

i want to exist in a place where the softness i feel for you isn't
something that terrifies me. or a place where the fear of that softness
don't exist at all. i mean that in the best way possible-- a place where
the light in your eyes isn't quite so blinding. because it's love but it's
not earth-shattering and it's love but i keep falling sleep and dreaming
about you leaving or i wake up and think about you loving me. it's love
but it's terrifying. maybe it wouldn't be if we existed in a place where
i don't get my heart broken every time. but people make the same choices
over and over and the only thing i can do is hope it turns out alright this
time around. you make my heart a place of sunlight and i can't help but
think that was your intention this whole time. angels always come to
earth with a purpose. and i always do this, i say things i mean and i
have to explain them. and don't we give out our hearts over and over
every time someone asks us to? and you didn't even have to ask me.
like i said, every time. i give and give and it's always too much and i
don't mind being told i'm overwhelming. so it's 3am and i'm thinking of
you again and i'm me but i'm not me and the world feels so small when
i consider all the other planets out there. and i wonder if the moon
understands how hard it is to feel something that's love but not love and
never be able to describe it properly and i wonder if she ever feels
like a handful, too. i don't think i'm qualified enough to say i love you and
even if i was i don't know if i would but the sun rises every day and it
reminds me that i'm not supposed to be able to put these feelings into
words. and then it's 6am and i'm still thinking of you and i'm starting to
realize i always will be and yeah, i'm ****** but so are you, sweetheart.
i can curse my exes time after time but i can't pretend like they didn't
leave me for a reason but i can tell you i still haven't quite figured out why
but maybe you can explain it to me. i won't be surprised if it's something
you can figure out before i do. it's a sad night and there's always going
to be a boy that can't be good and he stays that way his whole life. boy
can't keep his mouth shut, boy can't help but start to love you, can't help
but panic at the thought. and that's all there is to it. the soft place only
exists in the universe where i can pretend the way i feel about you isn't
a gut-wrenching panic attack waiting to happen because the fear really
won't ever go away. but maybe you can prove the fear wrong instead
of me trying to convince myself it won't cause an earthquake.

The snaking sensation
starts in my toes
leaving my feet cold
from its icy veins.

It tightens
at my stomach
turning my food into
knots of venomous irritation.

One slither more
will bring it to my chest,
where it strangles me
lifeless.

Uneasiness drifts in, with the subtle lack of beauty. Drift wood, late night thoughts.
Doubt, does he love me, does he love me not.
Trying to row ashore in an already sinking ship,
Already drowning, in what. A tidal wave, or true love. My brain floats away, stuck between two rocks, I keep my heart above the water. Hoping I'll be able to breath. Anyone can leave, at any given moment. There goes my leg, down the the current.

Thought I saw the rolling storms
In the dustbin clouds. Thought I
Heard ghouls moaning through
Their wandering shrouds.
Felt something stirring
Deep deep
Beneath the Sea.
(Maybe It was the titans calling out to me)
My world seemed to shake and shriek
With a pressing voice that rang out
"For evermore,
For evermore".
Whether It was a whimper, or the
Passing of a lush...
Whether It was through a thicket, a
Mountain, or a
Touch
Or whether it wasn't
Any sound audible enough
To hear-
Haunting some hollowed ground where it seemed to appear.
Through the creaking In the floor, and
The quiet of the well...
(Where your hair stands up when your heart strings bell)
The words don't sit quite right
And you disagree...
(When the mere mention of something seems terrifying)
Imploding bombs of atomic construction
Seem to go off and bruise their function;
Miscellaneous hands
Grappling, pulling,
Letting go;
Reaching for solace for evermore,
For evermore.
When the strawberries have rotted
And the bluebells withered up
When a shivering lake of frost descends on my cup.
When the sadness figures inconspicuous,
Behind tall wall'ed towers,
When no-thing tangible seems real and
Nothing impermanent seems to matter.
Longing for when the leaves swing like a cyclone,
(High beyond the trees)
Where the willows thrive and
The moonshine bleeds;
Till through some epiphany
Like the dawn we finally see,
What beauty In the broken be...
If not beside you and not within me.

Word of the day - PHILOPHOBIA
Meaning - fear of falling in love
______
I stopped.
Everytime I knew,
that I could wind up
on this path
I halted my footsteps.
Everytime I turned my back,
on the person infront of me
because I was too scared
to love him back.
Even if I saw
life blooming in his eyes,
if I felt
happiness emanating from him,
I still went away
because I was too afraid
to give this a shot,
afraid
of what will happen if that doesn’t work.
My optimism failed at that time
because negative thoughts filled my head
when it came to
imagining myself
in the arms of another.
I always pictured myself
sitting between a group of friends,
single and alone.
And I used to be happy,
but since the day I saw him
and I met him and I talked to him,
I realise I don’t want to be happy like this.
I want him to be the one,
to hold me when I cry myself out at night.
I want him to be the one,
to laugh at my lame jokes.
I want him to be the one,
to look up at him and say “I am not afraid”
And that’s what I did.
I gave him a chance.
But yesterday,
he left me,
for another woman.
He said, and I quote
“I never loved you”
and no, my heart didn’t break into pieces.
I didn’t shed tears, my eyes were dry to the core.
My soul didn’t die.
What died was my hope.
And now I wasn’t terrified of that road
I just hated that road.
So if another man comes crawling to me now,
to give me a chance,
sorry, but not sorry
I don’t have the will
to say “yes.”

she feels the absence of anyone touching her,
imagines what it would be like to have
that pretty boy
touch his velvet lips to hers,
imagine what it would be like to feel
his magic rub off on her
to have his words
circulate in her head until she's drunk off his poetry.
she knows
this will never happen,
knows he will soon see into her abyssal soul
realize the cuts run deeper than the ones on her wrist,
realize her storm is
a bit too wild for him.

It's called Philophobia.
It's the fear of loving or being in love.
I believe everyone has been a victim to Philophobia
especially if their hearts have been broken too many times.
Heartbreak makes you wiser.

Love.
Such an intense feeling.
Such deep affection.
So deeply romantic.
The ****** attachment.
The pleasure.
But is it wrong to fear?
To hide from such feeling.
Have you noticed the pain it brings?
Oh, how it hurts.
How it breaks you.
But it is intriguing....
That I just might try to love something.

My heart is very fragile
So I kept it  from your love

Hello!
I would introduce myself
But I can’t find a name that fits this shell
So let me try to explain

My name is Soldier
Founded in a time when I could take anything
But most just see me bear through what I can lately
Now I stay hidden between the folds in my heart that are never seen
Blown away with the wind of my open arms
And used constantly attached to pieces seen only by few

This name can make me seem cold
Distant
Almost nullified
But it holds my heart safely
Hidden from the days of mental beatings
Somehow waltzing through the door in waves
Giving me strength to walk into tomorrow

My name is Metathesiophobia
But most call me the fear of change
I manifest in that new schedule that won’t stay the same
People choosing to come and go
Using your heart as a new door mat
New plans
Never discussed, just plans
Or never fully knowing what will be to come

My name is Autophobia
But most call me the fear of abandonment
That little tick at the back of your mind
Reminding you ever now and then
This won’t last
This isn’t your home
They W I L L leave

This name can affect my acts
Make me seem clingy
Almost obsessive
Broken into puzzle pieces
Stolen by those passing by
They sit for only a moment
Then  f   l   e   e  to new adventures
Leaving you just a little less complete

My name is Philophobia
But most call me the fear of falling in love
With the common moniker of their worst nightmare

Don’t worry
I only strike when it’s too late to protect yourself
Leaving you on the ground
Gulping for air like a fish just fresh from the sea

I’m a shapeshifter
Taking form of that “new girl”
That guy with all the weird ideas
Someone you never thought was me
Or that one that you’ll never see again

I’ll try to be nice
But no promises

Hello.
My name is Soldier
Metathesiophobia
Autophobia
Philophobia
My name
Is whatever you want it to be

The door is always open
Just make sure if you choose to stay a while
Hang your hat
Take a load off
And shut the door behind you when you turn to leave
Because after the scars left over my sunken shoulders
I won’t bear to be able to let another take your place

I want to throw off
the cloak of “trying to impress you.”
it’s gotten so
heavy
soaked with my insecurities
and self-loathing,
always snagging
on thorns and skeletons and the
remnants of broken hearts.
I want to shatter
the bottle that held my tears
shed over not being good enough.
Pour my philophobia
into a sea that never dries up.
It’s all salt water anyways.
I want to compose
a cacophony of all the voices that sung
“you’re fake” -- “ugly” -- “worthless” --“unloved” --
into my ears
and then burn the sheet music.
Destruction…
never felt so good.

I have a fear.
It’s something called “philophobia”,
The fear of falling in love.
Some may say that love is a blissful experience,
But I know better.
I see the people surrounding me,
All that fell in love one way or another.
My mother, who fell for a cheater.
My sister, who fell for a lowlife.
My best friend, who fell for the one that could never reciprocate.
I see them hurt and fragile,
Love doing them no good.
They’re on an emotional roller coaster,
Going high and low,
But never coming to a stop.
I fear of ending up like them,
Weak at my emotion’s hands.
So I keep my heart guarded,
For love is something I do not welcome as freely as others..

fishnets grip my thighs
With the commitment of no other
Clinging to my skin
In a way that reminds me
Of how I cling to you
Threads of affection
Catching on loose nails,
And tangling themselves
between your fingers.

Red string
Criss crossed against my calves
A pattern of faith
And soul
Inviting glances
When I only desire your gaze.

Stretch marks line my hips
Tights leaving holes
Where your hands should be placed
I desire the rough skin of your palm
Slotting against mine
I want to gaze at you
And freely show my reverence.

My nails trace
Patterns into soft, translucent skin
The thin inner muscles of my forearm
Flexing underneath a milky abyss
Of fluffy feelings,
Twirled into light pink candy floss

I sleep easy now,
With the sweet residue of sugar
Coating my thoughts
And your floral being
Is the lavender bath soap
That helps me rest easy.

My shoelaces tie themselves together,
And when I see you I stumble
Words tripping
Across my freshly shaven skin
My s's slip into
Thhhhhhhh
The soft whistling of songbirds
Tilting my world
Until I'm upside down
Legs dangling in the air

The fat on my body
Feels light
Like a tub of fresh cream
Whipped into soft peaks,
I feel as if I could melt into you,
And your bones could become my haven.
I feel as if you could become my haven.

the fabric of my skirt
Catches on door knobs
And I fear being bare
I fear being vulnerable
I hide my intimate thoughts
Tucked away underneath
Layers of thick fabric

Philophobia,
The buttons on my blouse
Make my fingers fumble
I shake with
The fear of love.

Fishnets grip my thighs,
With the commitment of no other.
I admire their perseverance
But I fear
That they will eventually rip to shreds,
And fall away.

All I can ask
Is that You please
help me glue them back together.

Nobody told me that-  falling in love is easy, but getting out of it is hard.

Nobody told me that-  first love is going to be sweet,  but also particularly heartbreaking.

Love,  I didn't know,  that it would hurts so much.

I always wanted to think that, we are still together,  that I didn't leave you for good,  that you are holding my hand instead of hers.    

I am left in the dark now, alone,  with scars and broken heart,  with unhealed wounds and philophobia,  and there is nothing to blame but my own doing.

Now I always wake up in the middle of the night,  feeling extremely sad,  thinking about our memories together, and cry myself to sleep.

Tw: mentions of rpe, sxual *ssault, *buse

Falling…
I never realize it is happening
Until the butterflies in my stomach turn to whirlpools
Until I wake up and realize that I’m on yet another roller coaster
It is as though I am walking towards an open door that leads to peace
But it closes on me as soon as I reach for the doorknob

Falling…
I see it in the palaces made of words in fairy tales
I see it in the flashes of images on a blank screen that light up a dark room
Why does falling in those places always end in a happily ever after?
Why do those images and palaces look so different…
From when I fall?

Falling…
Why does it look like hidden smiles, forehead kisses, and long hugs in the rain on the screen
While I watch my own kingdom be invaded by conquerors who only see me as a prize
Why do the words say that it daring, exciting….or even like the warmth of a comforting fireplace
But every time I fall, I feel the glass shards pierce my palms and my knees…
As spears of grief pierce my heart as I see how far I’ve fallen and what could’ve been…
The realization of how pieces of me will always remain in shards, even if they are glued together
Why do I see the magical spells conjoin the sparkle of love struck eyes
While my falling feels like the shackles of a cursed cycle of losing myself
Where my mirror on the wall erases everything and recreates a perfect illusion for another

Falling…
I hear it in the guitar strings and the chords of love songs
It sings of midnight dances in every note, synchronized hearts in every beat
Why does it sound so different from what I hear?
Why does mine sound like ignored protests and whispered pleas of “do not hurt me”
Or like silent teardrops running down one’s cheek
Why does mine sound like the unheard gasps that are muffled by pillows at 12 AM?

Falling…
The fairy tales, the screen, the songs…all mention that falling smells like roses
Well, I guess that is the one thing that is true…
For one only seeks rose petals for their beauty and their sweet smell,
But they always forget that even with the most beautiful things, there are thorns too