this is now
life is nothing but a memory

the fact that i cannot control or slow time
haunts me

nothing will ever be the same
as it is in this exact moment

it's almost like water
in your hand

you try so hard to hold on to it
but it seeps through the cracks of your fingertips

stop moving so fast
even if its bad, enjoy the now

i grew up
hating every inch
of myself

to this day
i find it hard to look
in the mirror

i don't know
how to fix myself
from here

i don't want to
be me
anymore

i got sad
at a young age
its like getting sick
but there's not one medicine to fix it

i'm scared
because i wasn't sure who i was
when i was younger
so when i get happy
if i get happy

i don't know who i'll be
what to expect
or what to go back to

i saw you in my dreams again
i saw your instagram with yellowed film pictures
pictures of you and your family and your dog
and pictures of me
of us
together

i thought i was over you

i value my sleep
not just for simplistic reasons
like "I don't want to be tired tomorrow!"
while it is entirely valid

i value my sleep
because it is an escape
from the hell i call
my life

but it is a rest
a break from everything
i am released
i am free

the pit in my stomach
the small emptiness
that inhabits inside of me

returns once again
like a rock
pulling me

down
down
down

into the arms
of my old friend
my sadness rose again

a year ago today, you left me
you sat there, at my darkest hour and decided
that i wasn't what you wanted anymore

i was naïve to believe in a forever for us
and even more so for thinking you'd save me from myself.

since then,
while i still feel a vacant spot in my heart
and in my soul,
i'm okay

even though i know you'll never call me again
i've grown to a point where if you came back to me,
i'd be just fine, without you.

when i was young
i always was fascinated by eyes
i felt i could see
everything a person has seen

but i know now that is not true
for my eyes have seen some things
a moment simply fleeting
never to be replicated the exact same
ever again

its all different
some beautiful
some horrifying
i can't find the words
to describe yours

this feeling
i feel for you

i shouldn't care this much
but i do

this feeling
do you feel it too?

I want to tell you about my day

I want to tell you that I went to see my old house and I felt this sickening nostalgia as my mom and I drove down the road that my dad left us on
the same road we chased after him on 13 some years ago

I want to tell you that today I looked in the mirror and didn't even recognize my reflection, all I saw was this girl looking back at me that I didn't even recognize, nor liked

I want to tell you that I miss you but I'm starting to miss myself more, how I feel like you're attempting to control the tings that composed my very being before I met you

I want to tell you that I don't think you understand life or people as much as you think you do
I don't think you care about me the same way that you used to

I want to tell you that I feel like I'm rotting and wasting away but don't have the strength anymore to get up and do anything about it

I want to tell you that I don't think I'm as extroverted as I used to be, being around people for longer than a few hours makes me physically exhausted enough to faint

I want to tell you that love is not control, love is attending a thousand funerals of who someone used to be and loving each person they become without trying to change that

I want to tell you I made the front page of a poetry website I've been writing on for 5 years and I'm proud of myself for creating something I think is worthwhile even if you don't

I want to read you my poetry but I know you well enough to know you won't appreciate the thoughts I have, writing them off as some heavy self destructive woman who's too emotional sometimes or not emotional enough at others

I want to read you my poetry and have you truly listen

late at night
alone in my bed
i no longer use my strength to hold myself together
instead i hold your shirt.

your voice is my lullaby
your body my blanket
your hands on my thighs
i’m a hopeless romantic

i’m tossing and turning
i lay here alone
hoping and praying
that you’ll maybe phone

this twin size bed
i happen to call my own
feels so much more empty
this space deemed the unknown

you were raised with a silver spoon placed in your mouth
you had it ripped out and thrown around, so you learned to grab it and fight to get it no matter the amount of thrashing you needed to do to get it
I was raised to lick the scraps of love off the sharp side of a knife
you love parts of me
fractions that you pick and choose but never the entire spoonful
I am cough syrup on your silver spoon
sweet but an underlying bitterness that you can't stand
I wish you loved me in my entirety