My bones shake at the slightest noise
This flesh feel so rent, that houses my soul
And due to the numbness and pain inside,
my mind's stuck on the ground, lost my bird's eye

Lately I've been living on feeling
Trying to feel good, but I'm not healing
Only revenge, I want to see
the consequences of what they did to me

And I know it's none of my business
I need to focus on myself, but the stress!
I failed each test, though I tried my best
I lay all this at God's feet, and rest

Wake up
Drink coffee
Smoke half a pack
Try to process the dreams

I don't get hungry
till half way through the day
Then I gorge
And then get sick

Such is my retirement
A life without a job
Without anyone
I struggle to find purpose

Everyone has their place
I walk a path I paved myself
Back and forth I go
Circling the same places

Who can change the course of their life
at any given instant?
Who can forgive and let go?
Forget and be perfect?

I have schizophrenia
I falsely feel people are targeting me
One foot in the grave
But one hand on my heart

For I understand those who suffer
Thus I gravitate to such people
I would never hurt you
Your pain is my pain

In all my life
I haven't found life or liberty here
Only veiled threats and manipulation
Yet I hang on by the hope of a better afterlife

There is something
that the young and old
have in common
which those in mid-life
do not seem to grasp
or acknowledge
The fragile know it
The strong abhor it
It is so simple
yet it's an insult to ego
Ask your elder
how they survived
Ask your child
why they hide
It is to see evil
and not engage it
even though deep inside
you want to destroy it
If someone hurts you
and makes an attack
against your peace of mind
or against your will
do not dwell
Do not strike back
or curse them to hell
I have done the former
more times than I can tell
It is quite easy
The latter is harder
to just let things be
The more I thought of these people
the harder I fell
I struggled to understand
that endless vexation
the desire for vengeance
and the agitation
If they appear in your mind
look away
at something else
Anything else
Think of the future
If someone upsets you
and hurts you for no reason
Know they might not last till
the next season
Pray for your enemies
Hope they cease wickedness
for the good of those around them
who come in contact with them
If someone is haunting you
or their presence is daunting
Find peace at any cost
Let the relationship cease
and if the memory rots
and you can't stop the thoughts
know that revenge is best served
cold not hot

The sky so blue, the earth so green
These eyes bear witness to what they've seen
My mind with the moon, I dream for fun
I love the moon and stars and sun
They don't care what I have done
I want to be useful before I'm gone
I need to wean myself off what I lean on
and stand on my own two feet for once
but they always take me back to where I've been
Eternal cycle that I'm in
It always goes back to a life of sin
Of gin and tonic, of tobacco and chronic
I never win, it's gotten late
My routine has become a fate which I hate,
but cannot break, is it too late?
My inner voice is crying now
I did not listen, didn't know how
I bow to the past, I prostrate low
To my routine, it's all I know

I put my hand on her shoulder
say thanks for being there
I feel her revolting, she moves away
as countless voices numb my ears
They squeal their accusations
I can only laugh, I've been here before
I tried to repent of my iniquities
Every night I say I won't do it again
I'm used to being embarrassed
Live the life of a pariah
People spitting as I pass
but what I experienced is downright humiliation
I expect betrayal from friends
No one has been faithful
Loyalty is nowhere to be found
ever since I became a laughingstock
people have avoided me
My name used to be meaningless
now it's utterly soiled
I just sit alone in a corner
and smoke and drink my problems away
hoping this too shall pass
and some day mourning will turn to joy

Rising slowly
after a night of turning
tears on my shirt
Learning how to live again
Loving the small things
Coming to terms with reality
Sipping coffee

I'm desperate
Trying to be at ease
but the thoughts keep coming
Robbing me of peace
I keep releasing them but they keep coming
I wanted to please you
I lived for you, and you despised me

I'm waking up slowly
to the fact that I don't belong
I go for a long walk
but the loneliness and emptiness
I drag along
I listen to a sad song
and sing along

Now I'm meditating
on where I went wrong
The people I tried to save
have pushed me to my grave
Endless rain of the soul is driving me insane
everything around me is alive with pain
while the walls of my heart echo your name

There will come a time
when you ask for forgiveness
and I will accept your apology
but then I will tell you
if you are around me
keep your nakedness to yourself
It's appalling to me