These are hard times for everyone,
But I know my Biology;
Yet I do feel somewhat “odd”,
How can that be?
I have friends in Pimville,
Kliptown, Orlando too;
And although I can use a phone,
Sometimes I don't want to 🙁
Who am I becoming??
What is happening to me?
I have winter clothes now, and food,
And a large adopted family
Why do I now feel so strange?
I can't even explain how;
I kind of feel “less off a person”
Look down on myself….hide as well…
I feel like I've done something wrong,
Yet have no idea what that is;
I hope I haven't upset anyone,
Maybe I have…and just don't know who it is…
I feel like not moving,
Hiding here in this room;
Not because it feels safer,
But so that I can do no harm.
People are so kind and caring,
Then I look at myself;
What is wrong with me??
Why can I not trust myself ?
I feel this general “sadness”
A darkness of sorts in my mind;
But im afraid to blame the depression,
For i feel unworthy of my mind…
Its getting hard to get up,
Though every time I wake how im glad;
Disturbing nightmares all night long,
But I wake up then im tired
I get frustrated sometimes with people,
Those around me, its stupid I know;
I dont want to be a bad person,
But that is what it shows
I dont know what is wrong with me,
But I think I now know the cause;
A massive fear of the unknown,
Going back to Scotland…for the worse?
I will await Silo’s return to work,
He helps me with each phone call;
He has done so much to reassure me,
Yet I feel undeserving of it all.
I don't know whats wrong with me,
I hold my head in shame;
my mind telling me to cut,
That I deserve that pain…
I try to resist it now,
mainly for those around me;
When I do work im with children,
And I don't want them to see
Plus I have Silo to help me,
Assuring me Ive done nothing bad;
That im not a burden on this Country,
And that it is ok to feel “sad”
I know where it comes from,
I know I've repeated this too;
Im worried I don't know myself,
As this period of lockdown about to move…
None of us know whats going on,
We can only be guided by research;
scientists doing their best to provide,
Statistics, clinical trials, the genome sequences..
What is wrong with me?
It was getting better before;
Not before Corona….
Before this dark cloud came to my door.
I was doing everything I could,
Yet now I still feel its not enough;
I feel lazy, ashamed, a burden…
Why am I tired, with no work?!?!
I tell myself perhaps its the cold,
The change in season too;
But deep in my mind I know
The cause….I know its true…
Its Doctor Bryan Hart,
Yes he’s still here in my head,
Silo tries repeatedly to remove him,
And the words he implanted in my head.
He just wont go away,
He took everything from me;
My friends, family, dignity,
Even my sense of sanity.
I still doubt myself daily,
Wondering if any of its true;
I feel I HAVE to find out,
To be able to be free…
Im scared that when I go back
The whole thing will start again,
I will be a burden on society,
A waste of money, time, a nobody
The time is drawing closer,
Although I don't know for sure when;
things are slowly reopening,
Just as they should, this cant go on.
But im scared, I think thats it,
Scared that soon i’ll be back;
In the land where nobody wants me,
A land where nobody trusts me…
Of course I don't want to be selfish,
even thinking this way makes me feel bad;
Im just scared, just scared of the future,
…scared i’ll go back to the past…
I sometimes get darker thoughts too,
But im not wanting to share with you;
I’ll wait, see what Silo says,
I’ll see what he thinks I should do…
I found someone to trust,
Someone in the health sector (!),
I do trust him still….
I’ll await his return and give him a call….
I dont like me……I just don't like me…..
Nomkhumbulwa **
im new sorry