I dare you to email me
I dare you to message and put yourself on the line
I dare you to take a ******* risk and send a message
I won't
Not this time

I want you to love me so bad
I don't want to admit this
Not even to myself
I don't understand it
I try to push the need away
It's ridiculous
Why do I care if you love me or not
But I do care
And I feel you don't
I feel you are angry at me
Or worse you are disinterested in me
You don't see me
And that really hurts
I don't know what to do
Don't know how to play this game
You represent mother
That is becoming clear
You are not my mother
You do not hold my key
I hold my key
I can love and mother myself the way I needed
Comforting my inner child
Loving her, meeting her, holding her

It is painful to love you
Your face
Your brightness
Your energy
Your sensitivity
Your playfulness
Your aliveness
Your curious questioning way of being in the world

I could never get inside you
Never felt you open to me fully
Never felt able to open to you fully
I so wanted to
In *** we could

I believe I am everything you could want

At the station
I thought you saw me
Thought we were playing hide and seek
Then I looked again
You were chatting and laughing with the coffee girl
I had your attention and then I didn't
Another had it instead
I felt worthless in that moment
Confused and young
Having to wait whilst you flirted
It wasn't ok for me
Unable to name my hurt
Unable to grasp what I felt in that moment
Ashamed and embarrassed
I said nothing
But inside it hurt
I don't quite understand why
But I recognize this place
It is a familiar feeling for me with you

When I email you
It's often my young excitable loving care free baby that emails
She wants to play
To connect
To be in your world
To have you in hers

There is a naivety in this
That comes at a price
It costs me emotionally

It's up to me to love and care for my baby
To learn to keep her safe
To notice when she hurts

You remain in my heart
That causes some confusion
Makes me wonder if I've said it all
If I've been vulnerable
If I've made clear the depth of what I feel

May I lay it down
May I trust in love
Trust in my self
Trust in the mystery
And may I release control

You are my teacher
This love is a teacher
A teacher in being with what I can't control
Learning to live with love, loss, regret, beauty, hope and faith
All of it
Becoming strong enough to hold it all

What is in you is meant to be expressed
Needs to be expressed
For self and other
Undamn the ****
Let the words flow

There are things I cannot put into words
Things about myself
Feelings I feel

Why are some things so tricky for me
Seeing people
Being with people
Interactions with parents

A protective shield that stops me sharing this with people
A pride that says I can deal with it
You won't get it

Underneath a longing
To be truly known

Help
To the girl with so much inside her
Hang on
Hang on child
That bigness
That desire
That longing
Give it space
Let it breathe

Desire, longing, intensity
What's beneath it?
I don't know

Catches my breath

What's he doing?
He is doing/ creating/building so much

I want to, I want to create my own thing

Scared my creativity is vanishing
It's not Sasha
You're ok, you're ok

It's ok to miss people
It's ok to miss them
Let yourself feel it
Feel it all
Open wide don't push it down
Don't push it away
Allow the feeling
I miss you
What is this missing?
Let go of needing to know
Allow it when it comes
Alow the love, the missing and the longing
Allow the regret
And the disappointment
Allow it all
Welcome this feeling
Give it a home
Give it expression
Do not suppress or judge it
People touched your life
They touched your heart
Allow it
Don't make it wrong
Don't try and wrap it up as if you understand
Let go of needing to understand
Allow the mystery
Allow it to flow
I love
I miss
I feel
Nothing needs to be done
Open up and allow it expression
Allow it to bring you alive
They mattered to me
They deeply mattered to me
And I miss them