time goes by like
water flowing over my skin
unstoppable, translucent
and all at once
no beginning or end for
the clouds of
laughter and tears
you can't hold it still
it escapes even
the bell jar
forever running yet
never will you see it
rush by your eyes
i know now
never trust a clock
or a soul

I think I found my soulmate
A long time ago
But I hurt her
And now we’re lost
Still connected by an invisible thread
Tangled and taunt
We walk away from
Each other
But really I still feel her
And I know
She feels me too

a pink jacket that
came from pink cheeks
the day you had the pink above your eyes
i became infatuated with the color

i see pink in the darkest of things
i see it in my dreams
and when i close my eyes it's no longer darkness
but a pink warmth
it makes me calm and tranquil

i used to take pink pills
to give me the same feeling

now i just want to see
the pink of your cheeks
and
the pink in your heart
and
the pink in your soul

I hold the cigarette to your lips
I love you
Is that why I feed you cancer?

I never write anymore
But I call myself an artist
We never talk anymore
But all my thoughts are about you
And the poems too.

the absence of you
hits like ecstasy

in the lake of my tar-black pupils
you can see the regret

my teeth chatter loudly
but you can still hear the sound of goodbye

right before the crash

I live on the surface now
But I used to swim down deep in the water
Where it’s always dark

I never think anymore
I just hum and buzz and click
tv static with the volume turned all the way up

I miss the dark
It gave me time to think
I had questions complexity and unrest
it is light at The surface and I can see the people
And I don’t even realize I’m becoming one of them
Much more quickly than I would’ve ever thought

i wonder if
you ever think of me
kissing you
and wake up to reality
to remember
it was just a
dream

when I was younger I remember
The feeling that I needed to cease existing
I would hide in the alcove of my sisters room
And hold my breathe as long as I could

voids are places we forget about
I get lost in my daydreams and stumble upon them
oh hello, old friend. Tell me,
how can you miss the absence of nothing?

hello friend
I am here to tell you
this is the sign you were looking for
I love you even if he doesn't
and I want you to know
everything will be okay eventually
please keep going
you got this

behind my friends bathroom mirror
is a helping hand

A blue pill a white pill in two orange bottles

whisper

“we will help
we will bring you closer to

the clouds

let us shut your eyelids
forever

you don’t have to wakeup anymore”


how do I say no to bliss?
let me decompose


I’m ready to be with the stars

I hear in
Your voice
The hum of
A busy bustling bumble bee but
More like
Salty seaweed sandy ocean spray
and
hellgirl
Loves her
Fairy boy

right now, things are
O.K.

butiamwaitingforitalltoburn

i see sparks in your eyes
when you light up another cigarette

our souls are on a teeter-totter and

they might
just
fall
off

why does my body ache when I lay down after walking up the stairs

why am I still laying in bed? It's 12:23

why can't I hold eye contact with my mom, she is so kind

running in circles

in this

purple sky sunset

she's the only one

to bring me out of the blue

feel the air getting thin

flies on my open eyes

same old songs

new cracks in the foundation

the whole family's in the living room

watching static on the tv

it's this snow globe I live in

shake up my world

it'll all come back to me eventually

there is a deep dark sadness
Inside of me

It is woven through my nerves
Flowing through my veins
Pulsing pounding blood in my heart

It never leaves
And I don’t think
I could live
Without it

you were
the most beautiful
red rose
i couldn't resist
picking you
and leaving
you to
die

the ceiling at night
the backs of my eyelids
death
are the same color

i am tired of staring up at nothing
thinking about everything

i am tired of waking up to
the lie that I am and will always be

i am so tired
please let me fall down, down, down
and never wake up

im dreaming of you
i wonder if
you're thinking of me too
i meant it when i said
im sorry
and i meant it when i said
i love you
you're always there but
you're afraid of me
i wish you could see
the change in me

maybe in another life
i'll see your eyes
and we can try again

i am home again
at eighteen(failure)

when i look in the mirror
i can't decide who it is
i'm looking at

and for the first time
it's okay
not to know

i am home again
at eighteen (hopeful)

when i look in the mirror
i see
whoever i want to be

cigarettes and roses
flick your ash into my eye
burn away the pain
of never seeing you again

Hello Biggs
Bigg eyes
With the horns on top
Little arms
Sad and sitting
Always staring into my soul
Goodnight
Bigg eyes

I used to believe
he had eyes the color of the ocean

I’m not so sure about that today

but I know his heart
is the color of the bottom of the deepest sea

Blue eyes
And sadness
Go hand in hand
She tells herself
No one will love
No one will stay
No one will ask if she’s okay
And the truth is
She isn’t
She views the world upside down
Where everyone walks above her
No one can see the cuts and the broken heart
And she drags herself down down down
Even though I’m right here
I can see the blood and the tears
But she never looks up anymore
So she never sees me watching

we downed half the bottle of blue poison in my bathroom

uncontrollable laughter

so this is why people drink

blissful stupidity

you left
when the blood was flowing
out of my neck

the wound
oozing pain and anguish
festered, pus and oil

it scabbed over
but the infection still raged
war against my heart

you're the poison in my bloodstream
and one day day my heart just might
stop

Seeing colors within the blackness
I wish it all to fade
The fire that covered my world in ash
Was black on my pink sweater and grey
Under my nails
And i wish the fire was in me
And not in my apartment
Where I had buried so very much
And hidden what truly mattered
And I wish the fire was in me , and I wish it was extinguished
Shut off the lights
Please it hurts my eyes

I lost you in
color

But my world is
Black and white

Now I Can’t find
The ground
In this endless sky
It’s beautiful but
I’m drifting
Into the sun

And maybe that’s what was meant to be all along

the brightest blue eyes I have ever seen
often hid behind wrinkled bags of skin
they belonged to my darling Elva
who loved flowers and family
in her disease, she was always concerned about the well being of her garden
sometimes, she cried out for her mother
she was eighty seven

and although she is gone
when I look up at the summer sky
I can see the color of her irises and
I know she is up there in her garden
and I can imagine her mother is too

I lay in bed and think about you
the highs the lows the blues
and I guess you just can't see
there's an ache in my chest where you used to be

the bottle seemed ordinary enough
plastic, white, innocent

but I when I looked away
I could hear its contents whispering

softly at first

wewouldloveforyoutodrinkus
pleaseanna?weknowyouneedus

my eyes bored harder into my hands
why are they shaking

they heard us
Louder this time

Youstupidfuckingwhoreyouknowyouneedusyoucantignoreusforever­

A single drop of weakness falls into my palm

They scream like the tourted souls in hell

now!youresofuckingweakyouresofuckingstupidyouneedusandyoukn­owityoureadissappointmentyourenothingyouleteveryonedownyouruinede­verythingyoudontbelonginyourfamily

Finally my wet eyes meet the bottle

I read as if I didn't already know
Liquid Morphine

The voices become a single whisper

youdeservedwhathedidtoyou

Suddenly everything is clear

DrinkMe
Commands the voices

I obey


if only I was in wonderland

i write it out on paper
But it's not
Okay
I call I call I call
But there is no answer

I am waiting for the day
I lose myself
Completely

I know it's coming
It looms over my shoulder
Whispering ***** sins into my ears
telling me that
I am worthless

I wish you would pick up the phone
I wish I wasn't a drug addict
I wish I wasn't a ****** person

I need peace
where is my mind?

everyday is the same
but
inside me a
rose is blooming

they whisper
whathappenswhenitdies?

they forgot that
dried petals
are beautiful as well

walking on and around broken glass
I gingerly avoid the shards of my heart
I’ve already bled enough, it smells like quarters
In my bedroom

i understand
how goldfish feel

my thoughts are trapped
in the bowl of my brain

so much love contained
within sad chocolate eyes
you never told anyone my secrets
you never left my side

happiness is two long floppy ears

i could have never asked
for a better best friend

or one with larger paws

I miss you in the yard
I miss the frenzied greetings
I miss tipped- over trash cans

but most of all

I will miss loving you
Lola
it was your sad face that made me so happy

I stand and see
The time go by around me
It laughs until it cries
Never ending itself it
Spirals round and round
it blurs
Yellow pills go
Round and Round
someday I will run all the way to the top
Of the staircase
Fall like Alice did
See it all again
wonderland ?

i love you
           read at 1:47 a.m.

sometimes the past comes
Back in pixels
I see them fly by
And arrange them
As fast as I can

But the picture is always
Different
Now
Miserable
I was but floating on
Stars in my eyes
Flying
Couldn’t feel a thing

And now I’m down below
In the dirt writhing

I eat the dirt and **** it back out
I am alive

Pink slippers with rose colored tights
First position
Second position
Third position
      Fourth position,
Fifth and. Sixth!
I loved the Nutcracker
I wanted to be a true Ballerina
  Stand on my toes and twirl
Faces swirl and I bow,
The curtain comes down as I take another
Pink pill.

I heard our song today on the radio
the one we blared together in the car
while having ***
through the chaos of our poisoned "love" affair in the late hours of the night

and for the first time
my heart wasn't heavy
no tears came to my eyes

just a quiet nogstalgia

and I am so happy
that you are gone

but I am elated
that the feelings have finally passed too

hooded blue eyes
are the hardest to watch cry
but the absolute best to see smile

i am sad
i say
but i don't need to
my eyes scream it
even if you
don't want
to hear

brown eyes and
slender thighs
used to belong to
me

i can't remember
when or why but
i gave them away for
free

all the letters
and the phone calls
crying about
everything
yet nothing

because in the end
that was all we were-
nothing

its raining in my heart
I sit and let the drops of you
drip drip drop down
into my soul
fill me with your sadness
show me your pain
I wanna feel alive
I'm so sorry baby
for everything

the pink in my cheeks
and the pink in my soul
has faded to blue

now the pills
are the only pink I see

and suddenly
it’s no longer my favorite color

a curly-headed boy
has a padlock around his neck
but he threw away the key

a brown haired girl
has ocean-blue eyes
and i know she is the only one who could find it

soft pink
daisy yellow
sky blue
lillypad green
cloud white

pills

my life
his life

filled with beautiful pastels
we even see them in our nightmares