they told me not to get involved
that all my problems would be solved
if i stayed clear of your path
and got out of this mess fast
you don’t know how to keep your mouth shut
but you know how to make your words cut
deep into my mind
reminds me of all the time spent
thinking about you
and how i felt when all this was new
when you would tell me lies
and then i would confide
in you
thinking that you cared
when really this wasn’t fair
because this is how you were
towards every single other girl

there’s such thing as selective memory
that’s what my mom told me
apparently i have it
that’s what she told me too
see there are certain memories
i will never forget about my mom
they’re burned into my brain like a match to my skin that will never fade
and i cant help but notice
in the worst times
and in the best times
these memories
are what i turn to for support
first memory
it was last year
i had a best friend that had turned on me
she had other people
text me and tell me what a terrible person i was
i had targets on my back 24/7
they never left
their words hanging onto me
like burrs that stick to my clothes
and one night i was sitting at the counter
with my mom
and she tells me
she feels like i’m hiding something
like my spirit isn’t as high as usual
and so i tell her
i tell her about the girls
and about the boys
that are trying to make my life miserable
that are making me feel like i’m walking on thin ice
and any minute it could crack
and i could fall through
and she just sits there
and listens like it’s the most important thing in the world
so attentive
that even the sound of rocks falling
wouldn’t distract her from how i’m feeling right now
and when i finish
there’s a silence that hangs in the air
like a feather slowly falling
down
down
down
and then she speaks
and she says
tess i can feel your pain in your words
i know you’re hurting
i know it feels like this is never going to end
but trust me it will
and you know how i know that?
because you are a
bright
smart
kind
beautiful
intelligent
young woman
that isn’t gonna let this ruin her days
and these girls
they don’t have anything better to do
so they take their anger out on you
but you need to rise above
and be the better person that i know you **** well are
and that is the speech i always carry with me
it never leaves my side
that’s what gets me through
the hardest days
and i will never forget how i felt after she told me this
second memory
i was in the shower
when i heard my mom tell my dad my aunt that had stage four cancer just passed
she wasn’t expected to live much longer so i had been preparing myself for this news
but somehow when i heard it
it’s like i hadn’t prepared myself at all
it was like a tornado that was expected to come but still i hadn’t prepared myself with the right supplies
as im in the shower and i hear this news
my knees go weak
i sit down
and take it in
and cry
and let the water run down
not being able to tell the difference
between the water
and my tears
and when i’m finally able to stand up again
i get out of the shower
put on my clothes
go down stairs
and run into my moms arms
we are both crying
both feeling my aunt with us
knowing that even in these hard times
we are never ever alone
i stayed in my moms arms for so long
not wanting to let go
knowing if i did
i would have to come back to reality
so we stayed in each other’s arms
crying for so long
and in that moment i knew
i’d never be alone
there are so many memories my mom and i have made
and these memories are what will pull me out of the dark on the worst days
like a rope pulling me up
from a hole i’ve fallen in
not knowing what i would do if i didn’t have that rope
not knowing what i would do if i didn’t have my mom
she is what’s saved me from the darkest days
and she is what’s made the best days better
i love you mom

sometimes i space out
and you come across my mind
the memories we made
in the past
in the better times
i wish i could go back
to when it felt like all was fine
when you would kiss me
and we would be alright
how could it all change so fast
one day i was in your arms
and then the next
i was at your feet
begging you
to take me back

everyday i look at myself
and the first thing i see is my flaws
everyone says
“you will learn to love your body”
and
“stop self hating”
but how?
i don’t see that happening
you say these things
these goals
but don’t tell me how to reach them
do you think i know?
because i’m not even
a little bit close
to
loving my body
and embracing my flaws
and not bringing myself down
and sometimes
when i want to feel good about myself
i turn to others for their approval
because i know
i cant make myself feel better
even if i think i finally
look good in a photo
or in the mirror
i post it
because i need to see the comments
to make myself feel better
i know for **** sure
i can’t do that on my own
when i want to make myself feel better
i take a selfie
and post it
and then i wait for the comments
the comments that make me feel better
that make me love myself
a little bit more
and now when you hear this
you’re gonna think
how desperate is this girl?
im desperate to love myself
im desperate to look in the mirror
and only see me
and not all of my flaws
to take a photo with my friends
and just like the photo
instead of instantly comparing myself to them
so how desperate am i to love myself?
very desperate.
but nothing seems to work
because everything i try
still brings self hate in the end
and everyone says
why do girls have to be
focused on beauty
and perfection
and being skinny
I DONT KNOW
why do we?
no one has ever answered
that question
and i want to know
because everyday i think about those three things
and bring myself down more
so please tell me why we are
and tell me how we can stop being so obsessed with these things
because i don’t know how
i envy the girls
that are so pretty
and don’t even try
the girls i stalk on instagram
wanting their skinny bodies
and perfect faces
if i want to feel bad about myself
i know i can just go to their accounts
look at their photos
and think
tess why aren’t you as pretty as them
why can’t you have their flat nose
why can’t you have their
small forehead
why can’t you have their flat stomach
why can’t you have their perfect legs
why do you have to be flat in the one place you don’t want to be
why do you have to have so many rolls when you sit down
so many that you put your arm over your stomach bc you’re afraid everyone can see them
why can’t you just be pretty like them?
everyday i tell myself these things
everyday i ask myself these questions
wanting to know the answers
wanting to know why i can’t be pretty
why i cant love myself
and i have never gotten an answer

lately everything is good
nothing is wrong
but i still have that same feeling
of being sad
of hating myself
of feeling like nothing i do is right
so now
even in the best moments
i’m still sad
and i don’t know how to fix this
i don’t know how to fix me
it’s like i’m sinking in quick sand
and no one is there to help me out
i’m sinking and i don’t know
what will happen when i reach
the bottom
when i reach
the end
i heard that when you struggle
in quick sand
you sink faster
i’ve been struggling so much
maybe if i stay still i will stop sinking
i will try anything for it to stop
i need this all to stop

my worst fear
is being forgotten
i’m scared everyday
of being left
in the dust
of being replaced
for someone else
somebody better
because i’m not good enough
i mess up so much more
than everyone else
and sure there is that saying
that mistakes make people human
but maybe too many mistakes
are what
tear people down
i hear the rest of my family
downstairs laughing
making memories together
without me
when i leave the group
no one seems to notice
my worst fear
is being forgotten
and maybe
it’s already happened.

when i take a survey
i always get that one question
if you could go anywhere
where would you go
see i wouldn’t go to a place
i would want to be freed
from my guilt
of everything i have done wrong
from my past
of all the mistakes i’ve made
because right now
right here
i’m still trapped
and it feels like the whole world
is on my shoulders
and it is about to crush me