there was a little voice in my head
that grew and grew and grew
until the deafening roar blocked out everything else
it screamed to stay in my dorm
don't talk to anybody
no one will like you
so don't try
for a while I listened to the voice
I stayed inside
and I barely engaged in social situations
but I got tired of the deafening roar
it was holding me back
and I'm having none of that
I study in the library
I go to events
I talk to my peers
and I participate in class
that deafening roar slowly but surely
quieted down
I can still hear its faint voice
but no longer will I be held back
due to my anxieties
I want friends
and I want to be social
so friends I will have
and social I will be

I wish I was gregarious
so open and social
I wish I could go up to someone
and talk to them
without the little voice in my head screaming
"they're judging you
they hate you
they think you're a freak"
once that little voice speaks
I hide in my shell
and sociality ceases before it even started
I wish I was gregarious
and had friends here
my soul aches for companionship
instead of holed up in my room
scared of what others think of me
I want to be social
I want to be outgoing
but I'm my biggest obstacle  
I need to try and try and try
otherwise I'll die alone
wondering where I went wrong
maybe being gregarious isn't natural
maybe it's something learned
and perfected
until walking up to someone to say hi
isn't an incapable task

I wish I could be lithe
agile and graceful
limber and sure-footed
not a single trip or tumble
but instead I'm clumsy
awkward and uncoordinated
with butter fingers
and two left feet
I trip and tumble
drop things and fumble
I wish I could be lithe
but instead the universe
made me clumsy

noxious animals are colorfully bright
the vibrance and patterns a warning
a warning to not get too close
that they're a danger
it's protection for them
I douse myself in all the colors of the rainbow
warning the wrong people to stay away
and the right people, the people like me
will stay
it's a warning for some
and an invitation for others

I may seem stoic in this new situation
and for a while I was fine
then it hit me like a truck
my heart was the only casualty
tears threatened to spill
but I kept them at bay
I'm an adult
but I'll always miss my parents
I just want to hug them goodnight
but 2 and a half hours of driving separate us
I may seem stoic in this new situation
but on the inside my heart aches for them
stoicism is just a mask for the internal havoc of emotions

the water is pulling me in
pulling me under
churning around me
as my lungs fill with the salty ocean spray
I hear the name of the maelstrom
loneliness
loneliness is drowning me
deep into its depths
this maelstrom of loneliness is killing me
will it ever end?
will I ever swim to shore
and escape it's wrath?
maybe hope is in the horizon

I rescind my apprehensions and anxieties about college
a new place with new people and new experiences
that always lets the nerves to creep in and take control
but this time is different
I feel confident and accomplished
I take this time in my life in strides
and I succeed
it's only been 2 full days of classes
but I got this
so I rescind my apprehensions and anxieties
about college
I am thriving
now I just need some friends (other than my roommate)

in a world full of filters
and plastic surgery
and fake influencers
it's hard to find verisimilitude
people lie for money
or fame
or for a grain of attention
how can we tell what's real
and what's a facade
but I see a speck of hope
this community is full of verisimilitude
our words flow from our fingers
leaving us stripped to our bones
and vulnerable
as we pour our hearts out
and bare our souls
finding likeminded individuals
who understand our pain
and joy
and sadness
and love
this community is full of verisimilitude

the door swung open
gusts of wind pushing be back
as I stumble from the force
yes it is true
I have witnessed a tempest
my hair whips my face from the gales
chills ripple under my skin from the freezing air
yes it is a tempest
such a commanding storm
the walls creak from the dominating weather
such a beautiful violence