I love this
And I love you

I'm trying to do things
That are hard to do

I hate myself sometimes
That's not a crime

But I guess it should be
When I'm the only one who doesn't
Always see

I am ******* great
And that's no mistake
I worked and worked and worked
Even though I only saw
a doomed fate

I want this so bad
I want to be myself
I want to live a life
That's not just on a shelf

I am who I am
I always have been
Its been my mistake
Forgetting that I am so purely myself
That it can make others revolted
And so they revolted

Throwing stones
And words so solid so heavy
Id never shake them off
Id always carry those bruises

I forget that I am
So unrelenting
I forget that I am
So persistent
I forget that I am
A survivor
As much as I am
A victim

I am who I am
And sometimes that has been
Bad on purpose

Ive tried new things
I've begged for forgiveness
I've back peddled
I've changed my mind

I look back
And I wonder how no one noticed
How I was bad on purpose

And that's one of the best parts of me
I don't care
Because I care so much

I'll find my happiness myself
I'll find my worth myself
I'll find my path myself
I'll find myself myself

If I need to scratch and claw
And cry and scream
And fawn as much as I fight
I'll do whatever I need to
To live my own life

Just as long as I can sleep at night
Or during the day
Or for only an hour
As long as I can
Whenever I can

I appreciate my life
When I'm trying to end it
I appreciate the struggle
When I am begging for it to stop

I love the light
I love the dark
I love them both
I love it all

I love it the best
When it's bad on purpose

Just because I wrote about death doesn't mean I want to die
I know sometimes I feel like dying
Then sometimes I want to live
But it just all mixed up feelings- Julie

A new day dawns
Rain is pouring down
Without any warning
Slowly I found myself crying

Through the day
Makes me want to stay
Though there is nothing more
My heart feels sore

I will remind you when I am gone
So everything will be done
But good things will happen
As everything is taken

I know you’re tired of me, because I’m tired of myself. And it’s not just the weight of my body, but the relentless echo of my thoughts, circling like vultures over the dead parts of me I can’t seem to resurrect. Each morning feels like I’m peeling myself out of bed, shedding skin that’s steeped in shame. I watch you sip your drink, knowing it’s easier than saying my name. You used to look at me like I was the sunset, worth staying a little longer for. Now your eyes drift: to the clock, to the glow of your phone, to anywhere but here. And I can’t bring myself to blame you. I built a mausoleum out of what we had, hoping you’d still find warmth in a tomb. My chest wasn’t always this hollow, but over time it unraveled, thread by thread, pulled by hands that mimicked mine. Now even your kindness makes me flinch, and the silence between us feels like confirmation of everything I fear. Somehow, I’m always too much and never enough all at once. I understand if your soul is weary, calloused by the effort it takes just to keep trying. I’ve carried the ache of my own presence for so long that sometimes, even I wish I could leave.

For many years,
you were mine,
and I was yours.
We were free,
we were happy staying friends.
Though we yearned for more.

I thought it would last forever,
I was ready to confess.

But, you left.
You went to a place I can never reach.

Every time I think of those precious memories,
I break.
Because you were my world,
and will always be a part of it.

Because you weren't only my friend.
You were my family,
the place I called home.

You were my soulmate.

At the time of the hour
The moon brightly stood by the night sky
Peeking through the thick cloud
Shines those paths to be guided

Cold wind howling woefully
Leaf softly dancing under the tree
Looking away, far from home mindlessly
Lost, empty heart

I never really believed in love,
well, not anymore.

Before reality hit me,
I dreamed of these cheesy romance novels,
always wishing it would happen it me.
But, the universe had other plans.

Over time, I noticed my parents fights,
as they grew bigger,
I felt weaker.

They never seemed to be in love,
never once.
That's when it all started.

As I grew up, I fell in love,
not once,
but twice.
And both times it ended,
leaving my heart in pieces.

The first time, it was a childish one,
It was your typical enemies to lovers,
and I thought it was perfect.
But, time went by,
I even dated him,
though, my love was not strong enough,
just to keep him by my side.

I moved on,
just adding an extra lock on my heart,
vowing to not open it,
at least till I was older.

I broke that vow.

The second time,
I never got to tell him.
We were best friends,
still are,
at least in my eyes.
I'll never be able to tell him that,
cause' I don't know where he left.

I never told him,
because the same locks that made me feel safe,
refused to unlock,
shattering my heart further.

I don't know if the numbness will ever go away.
All I know is that, in the end,
love broke me.

Now I don't trust it.

.
                                            Why are you so sad?
Because I am broken.
Everything in this world I once loved,
betrayed me,
or forever left.

All that I have endured has turned into trauma,
in ways I cannot express.
But, don't worry about me,

                        Because the Universe never liked me anyways.