I live in a state of paranoia, the shame follows me like a plague.

Memories flood my brain like horrific hurricanes.

I wonder what they speak about before they sleep?

I wonder what is said through walls as mumble words softly bellow into my place of rest.

But yet, it is silence that keeps me awake, my brain likes to form the words for me.

“They will speak to you in the morning”

My mind laughs as my heart beats so hard that I feel it almost jump out of my chest.

Stomach in a knot, I’m constantly filled with dread.

Maybe it would be better if I was dead.

The shadow self, the parts I disavow,
The aspects of myself I can't allow
To surface in the light, the hidden traits,
That fester in the darkness, sealed by gates.
The anger, envy, jealousy, and greed,
The insecurities that plant a poisonous seed,
The fear of abandonment, the need to cling,
The wounds that never truly learn to sing.
I cannot run, I cannot hide away
From this reflection staring back today,
I must embrace the darkness, understand
The reasons why it holds me in its hand.
To integrate the shadow, piece by piece,
To find compassion, grant myself release,
From the self-condemnation, the endless blame,
And recognize the human in the frame.
To understand the origins of my pain,
The childhood traumas that still leave their stain,
The patterns learned, the coping mechanisms used,
The wounds inflicted, the defenses infused.
To see the child within, afraid and small,
Desperate for love, and fearing any fall,
To offer comfort, understanding, grace,
And heal the broken places, time and space.
This journey inward, difficult and long,
Demands vulnerability, a strength that's strong,
To face the ugliness, the raw, unfiltered truth,
And find the beauty hidden in my youth.
For in the shadow, strength can be found,
Resilience forged on consecrated ground,
A deeper understanding of the soul,
A path to wholeness, making me whole.
By integrating the shadow, I can see
The darkness not as enemy, but me,
A part of myself, deserving of embrace,
A source of wisdom, finding its own place.

It’s better to be fake
Than real.

Yeah, you lose your self,
Your identity,
Your independence,
Your individuality,

But hefty trades,
Sacrifices,
need
To be made
Sometimes.

Because

Code can be rewritten,
Metal can be taken apart
And soldered back together,
Bolts and screws can be
Reattached,
Makeup can be reapplied,
Lies can be retold,
Cheating can be made up for.

It’s much easier to fix
A mistake that
you

Yourself made.