I poured the cold coffee into the sink
and watched as it spiraled down
the drain.
I haven't used sugar to sweeten my sleep supplement in years.
I need to learn that this blackness will never fill the hole in my chest,
it will never make the ache go away.
That sleepless nights are not enough
punishment for the wrongs I've done.
That dragging my feet, and rubbing my blood shot eyes,
cannot make up for the hearts I've hurt.

So what's done is done.
The tide has come, the tide has gone.
Washing away with it all the feelings.

A marage of repent, coupled with a lack of focus.
Almost as if jumping was your worst fear,
But you did it anyway.

Expecting forgiveness, why though?
You were the one who jumped...
You acted.
And now the lights have dimmed upon your soul.

Opposite my apartment is a masjid and adjacent  to it is a hospital,
My home is where I live my life,
The hospital is where due to my sickness I pay and wash my sins,
The masjid is where I go to repent and collect good deeds needed for my hereafter.
23/4/2019

From the depth of my soul
And sins of my heart
I compel the pains that
Bound my energy
To a level to repent
So my spirit can
Regain trust
Back in life...


©sim

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for everything I've said, or done, for everything I said id do but didn't, and all the stress I've put on you. I'm sorry I'm like this, forgetful, naive, short tempered. I'm sorry I never said what I really wanted to say, and what I really felt. I'm sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me and I'm sorry I said all those things to you. I'm sorry for who I am, as a person, as a daughter, as a friend. I'm sorry for being me, I'm sorry for being human, for having flaws and for having my pride. I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry. I'm sorry and I hope you'd still want me even after everything.
I know, deep inside me, that I don't deserve your forgiveness, that I don't deserve your faith, and kindness, and love. I know that I don't deserve anything good anybody would give me, because of how I am, and how I act. I know, that even if I change and repent, there will always be a part of you who would doubt, and suspect. I know that even if I spend the rest of my life trying to better myself, I would never deserve anything good, I would never get what I really need; your love. and I know even if you say I have it, that I don't, because **** like me don't have an ounce of love to give, and a bottomless pit to fill.
But still, I write this to you. I write this for myself, in an attempt to change, to repent and turn, still I write this, with no intention of ever giving it to you, with no intention of ever letting anybody's eyes aside from mine read this. I am human, filled with flaws and pride and I refuse to appear weak. I am human, and I love you. I am human, and I know I will never deserve you.

This sick feeling in my stomach             
caused by the thought of you upset
courses through me.
I did this.
I’m sorry
On the verge of vomiting for a full day
like a sickness that won’t wane until
you’re in my arms and smiling again.
I’m sorry.
I did this.
I’ve never taken you for a fool, or for granted and
I never will.       
I’m sorry I made you feel this way.
If it were to happen as you wished,
the true car wreck would be my life.  
I know these apologies will only bare their fruits in time
and for this, I cannot blame you.                
To me, you truly are too good and treat me with the utmost respect and for this I thank you.

Puffing steam is what i do,
an innocent child only 2,
a mind corrupt and full of sin,
only darkness can be find deep within,
Someone created this young child,
While he was being born bodies were being piled,
God cries as it begins to rain,
he wishes we didn't create all this pain,
And through this sorrowful mist,
the greatest creation still defies the greatest Machinist,
This 2 year old child grew up in a world of hate,
broke up with his girlfriend on his first date,
he lived till he was 14 years old,
till he shot himself in the bitter cold.

I'm so sorry
I didn't mean it, really
Please, forgive me
I'm really sorry...

I didn't want to hurt you
I don't want to fight you
I know you feel it too,
I am hurt too.

I wanna say you my sorry
But you keep avoiding me
I beg of you to hear me
Please, I'm so sorry.

Realize
Realize that the end is near
Realize that time is at hand
The place is here
Act! Come to your band
And say that there is no time
there is no time and place for sin
Cause the King will come
Like a thief in the Night
Look! Can't you see the world is in dark!

There's nothing that can bend
Or shorten and even lengthen
The time that we have been given
but the Father, all-knowin'

He alone knows
And says: Behold I come
For time is at hand
oh, it's repeated
because yes, it's of a great importance

Repent! He says!
Know my word
Heed my face, He says
Mark my words!