I'd love a paragraph wakeup message every now and then...

I love him. I love his heart. He, like so many people in this world, has been beaten down and forced to harden his shell. He strangles his emotions and locks them under key, and how am I, me, supposed to fix that? I'm the same way. I drift so emptily through my life because of uncontrollable strife and I... I just don't know how to regain a sense of purpose, feel some motivation, muster the ability to have some sort of elation. My pen used to bleed for me but now my skin is what's bleeding and I'm just so hurt and unhappy with the life that I'm hardly leading. I'm not a painter and I can't turn this ruby red blood into a painting, but I can write about it, record it, instead of under the pressure fainting. I'll do my best to stand strongly for him, for if we don't have each other, we have nothing. Maybe we can help each other blossom again, and be as healthy and pure and whole and perfect as we once were. I imagine it's possible, just difficult, to survive this; but a future with him is one I don't wish to miss.

It's sad because I'm lying to you everyday, pretending that i care. I am becoming the person that i never wanted me to be. I know one day you will find out about all the lies i told you. How i was whispering in his ear and having his strong arms hold me behind your back. I'm sorry that you loved him and drove yourself insane and he tossed you away like those rotting white roses. But i'll never be sorry that he chose me. That he accepts me and tells me all his secrets. I love being the one. I know i'm selfish. I know i should feel guilty. But i don't and i probably never will.  I can still hear his high pitched singing voice, reminding me of an old Maroon 5 song filtered by the strong rain tapping on my roof. Tip tip tapping, while we're singing lost stars. We're both aware that you cry, wishing you could be me. But you're not. And i sometimes want to give this all away. But i won't.
               - m.r. | and i even promised you

5 o’clock in the morning and I’m intoxicated by the thought of what could’ve been. I paint galaxies on my bedroom ceiling, desperately searching for the right words to let you know that my heart still sparked beautiful colors whenever I filled my mind with thoughts of you. Suddenly, it hits me like a strong gust of winter wind- that no matter how hard I wished for a sense of normality between us, things would never cease to change for the better. Too many sleepless nights, too many lonely sunsets have passed since that remorseful day. Too much time lost to recover the flame that had since been put out. I was numb to the core, trying to fix and mend something nearly irreparable that refused to die from my thoughts. I designed constellations on my walls, connecting them little-by-little each night, tricking myself into believing that there was still hope left, that someday our stars would align again. There was nothing, no one to confide into, and slowly the tiny sliver of sanity I still had left within me began to fade into an unfortunate nothing. Was it really gone? Our stories, our abundance of exchanged smiles, my collection of picture-perfect moments? Indeed, they were long gone, withering like the blossomed trees in the start of June. To me, those times were still so real, so picturesque, still engraved in my memory like a long lost yesterday. It was like a Tug of War, an innocent competition between two eager kids with their hearts set out to win. But after you were declared triumphant, you brushed yourself off, leaving me with nothing but the weight of a loss on my shoulders. 6 o’clock in the morning and I’m drowning in my own misery, trying to bury my sadness and my agonizing pain. But I couldn’t take my eyes off that bedroom ceiling, with a sudden realization that I couldn’t shake from my mind. Maybe, just maybe, I thought, as I wiped away tears, Maybe there’s still a little molecule of hope left somewhere in the world. The feeling soon escaped me and the night grew somber once more as I remembered that I was just a hopeless romantic swimming in a sea of her unattainable dreams. She was just in love with the idea of being in love, too tied down to reality to find the courage to let go. I had known it from the very beginning. He was gone, we were gone, and I was treading at rock bottom. .

I like being around women
who stand up for something they truly believe in so much you can hear it in their voice
not because they are trying to be right
but it's because that is what they FEEL is right
How do most of the women in the world forget how we were born amazing, graceful, goddesses with super powers?
So many women let men walk over them and then blame it on a man for being an "***" or a "****" but you were the stupid ****** who keeps allowing these guys to treat you that way.
because ****** when something bothers you or offends you, say it. Don't run to your girlfriends and ***** about what you "would have said", just let it out because how are men supposed to know that what they say or do is hurting us without constantly reminding them. If you say anything enough it's bound to set in, and grab your **** and leave that ******* because yes that is exactly what he is and go find yourself a guy who is more than muscle tone and good looks, someone who looks at you like you are the sun and he is your earth rotating around you sharing in your light. It's not as difficult as the world these days makes it look, show some respect and yes as a woman, you need to show a little more and then the respect will come back to you. We have to work harder to be respected because that's life, but it's the way you handle the situations you're put into that really shine into your character. These challenges are what makes being a woman so empowering because we've fought and we've won. Search for your soul ladies and not the closest Starbucks. Talk about life, your dreams, your hopes, your talents more than you talk about other peoples lives or t.v or what you hate, or what you **** at doing, be proud of being you. It's not something you have to work for, it's there inside of you. Look for it and it will look back. Women make the world go around, men need us just as much as we feel like we need them. Be kind, think of your man once in awhile before you get so offended or start to be selfish. We go through nine months of pregnancy and it's gross, and painful, and you get fat and you swell but it's beautiful! We got blessed with something only women get the chance of doing. Isn't that special? Our bodies are so amazing we can form a life inside of us and then go through hell giving birth and come out okay. Be proud of being a woman but don't be cocky and believe me, there's a difference. Do something good for you, not for social media. Quit worrying about being fat or style or if you're wearing make up or not because who are you trying so hard for? Is it really them or is it you? Embrace your inner spirit, strength, peace, understanding and harmony and your life will flourish. We only get one body, love yours.

“I need to talk to you.” I hate these words. Because in a nanosecond I felt nervous; uneasiness filled my heart, afraid of what you are going to say & afraid of what will happen next. These words are just like the introduction of all the stories I have read. The stories that will always end up breaking my heart.

“I don’t love you anymore.” There. I know that was the second line you are going to say. I expected that. But I guess even though how much you are prepared for the situation and how much you expect that that may cause your heartbreak, you cannot help not to be hurt so much. I did not know what to feel that time. It was a myriad emotion and inexplicable feelings, tears are falling down my face and at the same time my body suddenly feels weak. And I did not know what to do.

It seems like yesterday since you told me that you will always be here when I needed you and that we are going to see together those places we are never going through. Your lips that tell me you really love me and your eyes that can tell it is true; that you are sincere. It has been just like a storm that came in and you are that storm that suddenly destroys my whole life when you left me.

Now I finally understand why storms are named after people.

i never did listen to the first words you ever said to me, i was just fixated on your lips and i wish i could remember. i keep wracking my brain because maybe if i remember them we can start all over again and it wouldn’t be the way it is now. maybe if i remember our story retells and i can relive the last 2 years 3 months of my life with an embrace tighter than the moon’s gravitational pull of the tide.

i swear things were never meant to be this way, see, i went to a fortune teller and she said that i’d meet someone who dances with two left feet and you dance with two left feet and a walking stick; you’re not good, at all, but you tried for me and the fortune teller said that it was supposed to last so i’m not sure why i’m sat here in a pool of your love letters trying to find hints of what went wrong. i’m looking for grazes, cuts, scratches, molehills.

i always got told you weren’t good for me anyway and it’s probably better that it happened like this and we’re only young and there’s so many more people in the world i’ve yet to meet but i don’t want to meet people if every trait they possess isn’t yours and i don’t want to meet people if their hair doesn’t fall the same way and i don’t want to meet people whose front tooth doesn’t cower in slightly and i don’t want to meet people if their favourite food is noodles when you hated noodles.

you were good for me because you made me think and i thought about construction and how things are built and how a fire can burn it to the ground because nothing is more powerful than nature itself. i think maybe we were a house but i keep hoping we’re fire and i’ll set fire to the thorns stabbing my heart and it’ll all be on fire everything will be on fire and it’ll be dangerous and exciting, like you and it most likely won’t be good for me but at least it’ll be ******* pretty. i want to hold your hand as my heart bolts out of my chest and melts into a drain outside your house.