what the **** is happening to me? I am losing myself again and this time I cannot even blame anyone because no one is at fault here, it's me and my mind.
Am I depressed? 
Am I mad?
what is this?
How can I figure what is going on with me?
what is this feeling?
I am not missing anyone, I am not talking to anyone, I am doing nothing which can mess with my head, maybe it's the nothing which is making me mad or maybe I was never okay?
Maybe I was just distracted from the reality and was living in delusion?
maybe my mind is still the same? 

I want to figure this out before it's too late or maybe it is too late? what am I even talking about?

Take a seat, you look tired
Did you hear what she said she liked our smile, she admired
Don’t trust them remember what happened last time
Please shut the **** up I’m trying to think of a rhyme

You are trying to heal yourself, you think you can do that
Don’t tell me to look back at the **** chat
You weren’t good enough for them, you think your good for the new group
It’s not going to happen, it’s not going to loop
Oh please your so ******* stupid, you care too much about people
Shut the **** up please, you and OCD are evil
We bring you back to reality, make you see things you don’t see
I’m not getting high again, I’m not getting the Peace-Tea

You don’t need a therapist, just keep being numb
You made me ashamed of where I came from
They laughed at you for your old skin color, didn’t they
Wish I could shut you up, wish there was a way
You used to talk to me every night when your heart was hurting
You make me ******* suicidal, stop flirting
Like how you did with death multiple times, once with the rope and now with the pills
They care about me okay, I know that **** I told them gave them chills

Why can’t you leave my head alone
Bought to ******* up and leave you red and blue, maybe break a bone
Oh please not this **** again, you ****** up my mind enough
Not just me but that girl also made it rough
I still have the scar from her, you guys ****** up my feelings
Yeah we did and you were almost hanging from the ceiling
The numb feeling is wearing off, almost cried in front of them
You think they give a ****, your not a rare gem

You know our family cares about us, they don’t hate us
Oh please remember the last time you tried to talk to them and what did y’all discuss
Please they never dealt with anybody with my type of mind, it’s their first time
Nah if they could they would sell you, actually nah you ain’t worth a dime
You don’t believe any compliment we get, we have no vanity
Have you not looked at the mirror, your hideous, honestly what’s this insanity
Come on they seemed really nice, maybe they were into us though
We are going to get in the way and you already know

Take a seat, you look tired
Did you hear what she said she liked our smile, she admired
Don’t trust them remember what happened last time
Please shut the **** up, I’m trying to think of a rhyme

I'm a bend, bending

the road to the right and left --


simultaneously.

What am I but a soul,
Imprisoned by a shell of flesh,
With organs feasting on my fluids,
Operated solely by a wrinkled beast
At the top of the meat tower.

Have I a choice? Or am I bound
To this wrinkled beast’s desire,
Praying for the day that
The light will come calling
And the beast will die.

I am amazed more
and more
how much the mind can be stuck
in slavery
to thoughts.

I am less afraid of people
who commit suicide.
Suffering is so intense.
It makes me think of how
low our minds can take us
down to where
we feel we
might drown.  

No one, not one person
is to blame for
suicide.
There should be no anger,
no shame.
Be real in life.
Do not shelter shame
as if it is a friend,
a payback,
or a way of life.

Shame is as deep as
******
is the devil.
Deep in an inkwell
Black tar stuck in
the pits searching
for free skies
for air
the soul is not for sell.

And it can come to this.....

Dead Enders

Places we have been to
Places we compare to
Travel light-years
In circles around us
Overtime
Around and around we go
Spiraling through the
self-disparaging
Thoughts we hack ourselves into.

Until,  Sense-less
Dead enders.
So, unthread,
Un  thread,
Un      thread.
Unwind
Before your prospects
Leave this space.

Around and around
we go
Transcenders
Looking out, looking up
and
Down
Sinking
Please me here
Take from there
Give to him always
Without a dare
Sunk and done
Dead end right here.

'loneliness is a tax you have to pay to atone for a certain complexity of mind.'

                                     - Alain de Botton.

Beneath your fingertips lies the earth of roses, their essence entwined
with sharp, thorny scratches upon your neck. Moist lips utter a
cascade of words, attempting to dilute the value of any moment; these
words, a subtle taste inspiring saliva that stirs the mouth, to spit a
piece of game, loudly amidst the intricate game of cards that mirrors
the tumultuous game of love.

Tears well in my eyes for those who are suicidal – cutting themselves,
even as life unfolds as a beautiful wound. We grow amidst the pain of
our parents, who pray silently that we are not handed over to their
burdens at birth. It is a legacy, passed down through generations,
where ancestors never dared to shatter the shackles of their
subjugation. This oppression, cloaked in passive aggression, who can
dream for their young, when they’re too busy living so restless? How
can one value God’s favour, when you always rivalling other people’s
blessings?

The notion of death becomes a familiar companion; in a world where
malevolence persists, the thought of extinguishing it all seems a swift
solution. Those pretty eyes, seemingly pure, can swiftly unveil the
truth that being innocent is a fragile façade that can be lost in a sec.
But wouldn’t you want to fall in love with someone who appears
heaven sent – perhaps they hail from the heavens, but their arrival is
more a descent. Even Lucifer must have carried a bit of Heaven’s
scent.

Everyone seems decent every time you greet them; meet them a couple
times and you mind tries to delete them… I’m thinking too much,
the mind is the evil of the heart, when the two don’t always get along.