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what the **** is happening to me? I am losing myself again and this time I cannot even blame anyone because no one is at fault here, it's me and my mind.
Am I depressed? 
Am I mad?
what is this?
How can I figure what is going on with me?
what is this feeling?
I am not missing anyone, I am not talking to anyone, I am doing nothing which can mess with my head, maybe it's the nothing which is making me mad or maybe I was never okay?
Maybe I was just distracted from the reality and was living in delusion?
maybe my mind is still the same? 

I want to figure this out before it's too late or maybe it is too late? what am I even talking about?
I was writing my journal and I was not able to remember what happened today, which is weird and not okay. It's been happening for days now and I cannot figure out what is going on with me.
Ash 4d
Man.. this one seems like a big one.
Last year was one of the worst.
Still struggling..
Gasping for air.

I’m ******* fightin’!
The grasp on me right now
Is so ******* intense..

I can ******* do this.
I’ve harshed the weather of the storm.
..but I keep getting back up.
Yes, this is rock bottom.

I wasn’t supposed to
Be alive this long.
I have fought many battles
In this ****** up life.
Today is no different.

I will rise up.
I am no longer a victim
Of this insidious reality.

Speak up.
Use your voice.
Take that hand..

YOU are the solution.
In order to get there
You just fight & grow.

Year 35…
I AN GOING TO THRIVE ✨✨
Ash 4d
I was so curious.
I felt free.
There was warmth..

So I thought.

Things start
to blur & cloud.
I thought this
was the light I needed.

I fell hard
& fast.
Deeper I go.
The light dims..

What have I done?
What is this place?
There must be
a way out.

I'm clawing, jumping,
gasping for air.
I see the surface.

I push harder,
but still no luck.

There appears a hand
as to reach for me.
I grab hold tight.

I slip as the
current pulls
me down.
I feel trapped.

I feel hopeless
& lonely.
But I cannot
give up.

I see a second
& then a third
hand plunge
down into the water.

I can suddenly breathe!
I'm alive!

I have found my people.
No longer feeling lonely.
The way has been shown.
Ash 4d
..here comes the darkness.
Seeping in every corner.
Covering me like a blanket.

I feel numb,
yet on fire within
a void.

My body &
mind slow down.
& my stomach
in my throat.

I cannot tell
what I'm feeling.
But it's lonely
& dark here.

I cry a thousand tears of pain.
I can barely breathe.

I remember what
someone once
told me.

So I take
3 deep breathes,
close my eyes,
& hold myself close.

This won't last forever.
I know I can fight this.

We've done this
dance many
times before.

I hug myself tighter
as I begin to smile.

I have Bipolar.
My Bipolar does not
have me.

I tell myself
this over & over..

I open my eyes & sigh deeply.

It's going to be okay.
We WILL heal from this.
It won't be a silent
night this Christmas in
the Psych Ward.
There are some real
wack jobs in here.
One guy grabbed his crotch,
and said, 'I have hold of all my faculties.'
The nurse asked him what
drugs he was on,
He said, 'It's not the drugs that are
the problem, it's the women.'
Maybe he's not as crazy as I thought.
I shouldn't talk; I'm getting
ECTs (Electra Convulsive Therapy)
One of the side effects is
memory loss. I hope they make me
forget the last woman in my life.
Life is so odd.
I'm locked in the nuthouse,
getting shock treatments.
She's home in her apartment,
cooking and cleaning,
crazy and mean as a ****-house rat.
Here's a link to my you tube channel where I read my poetry.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucOOifTukWQ
Blessednonye Jan 6
They said I’m vulnerable,
That I always apologize.
Even when I’m wronged,
I apologize.

I know I’m vulnerable,
And people use me a lot.
They think I’m not aware,
They handle fragile hearts like glass, cracking them without care.
Because they are weak and easy to put aside.

People know I’m vulnerable,
But I will never let them use me again.
I will stand up for myself,
Say no to things I don’t want,
And caution anyone who tries to mess with me.
I won’t do anything I don’t like for anyone,
I won’t displease myself to please anyone.

Because I’m vulnerable, not stupid.
I am vulnerable and not stupid
i

fall

deeper

into

a

pit

never

even

looking

up

never

seeing

the

sun

a

dist­ant

pinprick

of

light

never

to

see

again

i

dont

deserve

it

i

dont

deserve

anything
its not a very good one so just... bye
Let me tell you a story:
A life unfolds, layered and vast,
Haunted by shadows, shaped by the past.
A spirit resilient, striving to be strong,
Carrying burdens we’ve all borne too long.

Dreams of creating, of tales untold,
A pen in hand, a heart seeking gold.
Yet whispers of doubt, relentless and slight,
Echo, "You’re not enough," in the still of the night.

Through love and loss, through joy and pain,
We weather storms, again and again.
Our hearts, battlefields; our minds, a maze,
Still searching for beauty in shadowed haze.

Families fracture; the pieces retreat,
Strength is forged where chaos meets defeat.
The yearning for love, for something secure,
A place where our souls might finally endure.

Our voices speak of longing, of finding our way,
Of nights spent alone, of hopes for the day.
Shadow work deepens; truths come to light,
Healing old wounds in the quiet of night.

We love with hearts both tender and fierce,
Though doubts linger on, and old wounds pierce.
In small, quiet moments, joy does reside—
A sunrise, a friend, a pet by our side.

We seek no labels, no rigid mold,
Just freedom to live, to grow, to unfold.
We are not broken; we are wonderfully real,
Tapestries woven of all that we feel.

Our stories are ours, messy and bright,
Dances between darkness and chasing the light.
Though questions remain, we’re carving our way,
Souls ever growing, day by day.
Cristin Dec 2024
A captive is what I think I shall be,
for Halloween this year—in 2023.
Burdened by the weight of other’s fear.
Trapped.
Sitting silenced in a cage full of expectations.
And rage.

Confined, bound.
No one around.

Who if not I, can release this relentless pressure?
Hopelessly, I await for the right partner—
To take my hand, help me stand.
And get my **** together.

To walk with me, out of captivity.
The place that haunts me.
How long must my sentence be?

Oh, how I yearn to be set free.
Take this wretched costume off.
Just. Be. Me.

Underneath it all,
I am a strong and capable woman.
I can walk out of this on my own!
Saunter about, like royalty
Onward to the throne.

Amen, I am captive no more.
For I chose the latter path,
After all, it suits me most admirably.

It is at my core, a crown can be found.
Seek and you shall see,
an exquisite Queen, standing her ground.
Not just on Halloween, but in actual reality.
Throwback piece from 2023
Adrianna Price Dec 2024
Overwhelming thoughts and feelings,
Spiraling down a deep, dark hole.
I can’t breathe—I just keep reeling,
Haunted by the places I’ve lost control.

Every step feels like a mistake,
A path of ruin I can’t escape.
Friendships hollow, love a lie,
No one sees the pain I hide.
I cannot breathe, I cannot be—
What’s so deeply wrong with me?

For a moment, I’m fine, the storm recedes,
But the calm is fleeting, and chaos breeds.
The weight crashes down; I can’t bear the sound,
A tidal wave pulling me deeper to drown.
I know I’m broken, but why like this?
These sudden storms leave me breathless.

My heart is a horse on a racetrack,
Thundering, pounding, faster, faster.
No winner in this endless chase—
Just relentless thoughts, quickening pace.
“Are you okay?” they ask; I nod,
Hiding the battle, a perfect facade.
“It’s just a headache,” I quietly lie,
While inside, I fail and cry.

I try to focus, try to breathe,
But the darkness whispers, “You’ll never leave.”
Every effort feels destined to fail,
A silent scream in an endless gale.
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