She wept at Disney
Her feet ran into the night
Never more my moon

It's hard to write down what i'm thinking,
My brain doesn't work after drinking,
So i use my heart to explain,
The unbreakable love that i feel.

If the brightest shooting star,
Appeared in the dark, blue sky,
I wouldn't waste a single second,
And ask god to make this happen:

To make you appear in my dreams,
Every night for a thousand years.
And i would survive all those days,
Just to see your perfect face.

I fear, that once i'll forget your scent.
But no, i can't,
It's in my heart, and in my head,
Lining up next to the million reason,
Why i can't let a girl like you,
Out of my life, just simply go.

I don't like tattoos, never did,
But to carve your name, into my skin,
I would do it with a smile,
Use the sword of a loyal knight,
With glowing ink, so **** bright,
It would lead you to me in the afterlife.

My final wish, the biggest one,
Is to bring you back into my arms,
And make your cruel pain stop,
You deserve this kind of love.

i’ve been on happy pills
for half a year.
more often than not,
i feel like a buried seed,
twisted and tangled
in a graveyard of dreams,
yearning for the light
the darkness has taken from me.

like a river
carving through rock,
i do what’s expected:
show up,
go to the shops,
hydrate,
light candles,
wash my hair,
bake,
then exercise,
get up on a stage
where i pour
my feelings out.

i’m in recovery.

i don’t drink.
i’m pretty sure
i’ve tried everything.

yet, i feel like a canvas
stripped of colour,
a paintbrush,
bristles frayed,
dragging the last stroke
of a story
that i fear will end
before i reach
the last page.

You would ask what I want to eat.
You would spend the day going to five or six stores.
You would call each of the kids to see how they were doing.
You would barbecue.
You would cook way too much food for two.
I would smile.

"scene 30 000, take 1"
"AND ACTION"

I imagined us dancing in the Park
right near
while I was looking outside the window
we called each other "dear"
I spun you around
your hand in mine
it was everything but fine
it was magic
not tragic
it was wonderful
not dreadful

your dress healed wounds
as it was spinning around
your eyes shone with youth
so happy I found

save
space

the moon passing by
the stars in the sky

we danced and danced
continuing on

"CUT"

"scene 30 001, take 1"
"AND ACTION"

passing the crosswalk
all in the dark

a car came

I screamed out your name

blood floods
a puddle of shame

death
I checked your breath

we didn't hear the car...

...but I did
silently
watching

eyes looking down
my brain with regret
for all what I said

"CUT CUT CUT"
"TRY TO LET THEM FEEEEEL THE PAIN"
"scene 30 001, take 2"

"ACTION"

little me stares at me
...she knows I'm spying
out of my window
here
her eyes are sad
she was everything she ever had
the body in her hands
a puddle of blood
saying I'm "no good"

my imagination is cruel
I say
it's warning me from hell
but my brain does not know
I want everything I tell

my brain continues on
"let's move on!"
"you don't even like dancing"
"stop crying
before it's called dying"

"CUT"
*sigh

Like a man obliged to drown,
With two feet on dry ground.
No will to to walk,
let alone swim.
To this is grief akin.

To spend ones life making great things,
and serving kings then perchance your love to perish?
Who are you with no ghosts to cherish?

A bucket for the grief.
A forked tongue behind cracked teeth,
Fair heart, turned warm chuck beef.
A temple of values and beliefs,
and life turned ruinous den of sin.
To this is grief akin.

Your hidden heartland brought down from within,
Fair near the center’s where the invasion begins.
Your continent it spans,
you turned, you broke, you ran.
You dug too deep, you swam.

Now fouled muddied waters echo,
cause foul worried din.
A tidal wave detritus clogs drains,
leaves naught but pink taut skin.
To this is grief akin.

You wake neck deep in ocean.
Let loose that ball in motion.
Time for survival.
Look around can you see land?
Can you touch ground?
Can you touch base?
You should have said could couldn’t swim.
You should have learned to swim!

To this is grief akin.

A girl climbs on a pole
Dozens of strangers below
She looks so happy
I wonder where this was
Some basement punk show,
Her own gig?
The best night of her life?
And i wonder if she thought of me
Wished i was there too
I wouldn't blame her if she didn't
I know i made her smile like that
At least i hope i did
It’d make other things i made her do
Move to the back of my mind for once
We would have been better friends
We love the same things now
She would be in my band
We would go to concerts in the city
I would be patient, and never hurt her again
The warmth of our love
Like the warmth of twin car wrecks
In the parking lots of hell
If i had been there,
Either night
This wouldn't be my life
Even in this moment I turn the camera capturing her joy to myself
It wouldn't be my life, but mine's not important
Hers was
If only i'd told her that
She’d have her crosses,
Her flannel
Her shirt she gave to me
Because she wanted to swim at our friend’s birthday party
I said i'd be the lifeguard
But i let her drown
I told her to jump of a bridge
Said i hope she'd drown in the park when it floods
I was only a child, what did i know?
Now everyone is gone
Her, our friend, the pool and myself
I’ve become so like her it hurts
I keep dreaming she’s ok
No part of me wants to admit she’s gone
I deleted all our photos
I wanted to forget
I still sort of do
But out of pain, not anger