i feel so sick..

i also feel like
im going completely insane,
thinking things that probably
aren't real.

i feel left out from my friends
like they all hate me or something?

i feel under pressure at school,
like work just keeps stacking up
and it stresses me
more and more.

i can't sleep at night anymore.
so i sleep in and get nothing done --
the work piles up,
and i haven't seen my friends
in five days..

i don't know what to do with myself.

i cry over nothing
over the littlest things,
any miniature mistake
that i make
creates this big dent
in my world.

i feel so insane,
so sick,
so tired,
like everyone is watching
but also not watching.

If silence could echo, it would’ve been you;
never much one to talk.
I’d be the last one for you to go to
but I would’ve listened as we sat or took a walk.
You pose as granite,
another lonely planet

Orbiting all that glows, but ****** in a void.
So sure that nobody knows, but slipping out your signs like Freud.
Circling the world as a satellite, but you don’t want to man it.
No one should ever lose their sight,
it’s so easy to lose a lonely planet.

I’ve been thinking of what you’d know
and the places you wanted to go
and all of the life that you’d grow,
we already lost Pluto.
It’s not like we planned it,
another lonely planet.

Spinning out of control, praying for gravity,
you discovered a black hole no one else could see.
With edges that reach such height,
and no one to sand it.
No one should ever lose their sight,
it’s so easy to lose a lonely planet.

No returning, fuel burning, I think we’ve lost a piston.
You’re missing seasons, you’ve got your reasons so please list them;
why you want to leave our solar system.
Maybe still you’re pushed but there’s still a pull
you may lack the will to be sustainable.
I wish your oxygen levels would stay at full.
You don’t need to live in a lull.

Orbiting all that glows, but ****** in a void.
You were right; nobody knows, why you chose to stay forever a boy.
Circling the world as a satellite, but you don’t want to man it.
I can’t blame you for losing the fight
but we blame ourselves for losing a lonely planet.

Some claim I’m rather edgy
They look up to my serenity
Idealise my brain capacity -
I’ve even been told I’m pretty

And I won’t make a scene,
  disproportionally adjust to your screen
  ask about you despite me,
I’ll hug you without editing

Oddly lonely for the time being.

       See you in another film -
        Your eyes intimidate me
         You don’t seem to need any
          The script's too good for me.

Althought alone i feel satistied
my soul yet is scared
worried maybe afraid
I am lonely with my solitude and the scarcity of travellers.  
but i will keep going
one day i will find my way

the poem had started with that lump in my throat, so small at first but it grew and I thought it would stop eventually but the more I thought the more I gave it power and it was horrible.
it was a homesickness that crawled under my skin, screaming to escape....
like some sort of lovesick sailor alone at sea begging for someone to hear him but the only thing there was was the lonesome breeze
It's so hard to explain why it started but I know it had something to do with you....
the words were building up and up and up until I couldn't breathe I felt intoxicated, everything was fuzzy, getting dizzy
that little lump that started in my throat was now killing me
it was all because of our ending
such a lack of commitment and it broke my heart
there was no voice to scream anymore just the hallowed out lungs of someone who was forced to forget how to breathe

And i think I'm a disease
the Kaitlyne-virus
I'm disgusting and I bring pain
I latch on and live off
I'm self-centered
and feed off

Get away from her everyone
friends and family first
she is highly contagious
especially if you're allergic to dust

Only the pain I cause isn't on others
its myself
or so it seems.
I **** poison,
I'm trying to help

Why does no one see that?

I'm a lone floating bacterium
I don't belong here
I should be used to this
or at least see it coming,
but I'm shocked

I'm shocked when they
call me a monster,
taken aback when they can't
even look me in the eye
When they act like they can't love me,
everything I do is a sin
in their eyes,
I hate it when I can't hate them,
cos I love them still. Resent
that they can't love me
shocked that, the first chance they get,
Gulp goes the vaccine

I could end it there, but I
have much more to say. Generally I
ask, why does it have to be this way,
Why are you so quick to get rid of me,
like how you would, if you
got your hands *****,
with ****, no t.p

It's made me question whether
its all my fault. or if I'm delusional.
I mean its happened countless times
it can't be coincidental.
And somehow I never see it coming
like a bird flying into a window
thump, thump, thump
goes my head. I did it again
what a fcking dump

I am realizing that the times you spent with me,
Were more of a worry than they were any reprieve.
I guess hindsight is twenty-twenty,
I wish I had seen it sooner so that I could leave.
Now I’m questioning,
Did it mean anything?

What defines a friend?
What separates them from an acquaintance?
I don’t know anymore;
The ones I thought were my friends are strangers,
That I’ve never met before.
Perhaps, there were good times,
But they’re clouded in the grey.
Now I’m left with ambiguity,
To haunt me for my days.

Those times that you laughed,
At a joke I didn’t understand.
Dividing us further by our clear differences.
This lone wolf was meant to hunt on his own,
Dancing with solitude in the comfort of his home.
But the lonely monarch grows tired of his throne,
He’s frozen with fear, for he doesn’t know where to go.

So, what’s next?
How does the second chapter open?
Would it be simpler to just forget?
Or act bitter and broken?
I walk the trial-heavy road,
Of finding new friends.
I wish I were a bloodhound,
To sniff out genuine people,
Who could invest in me.
Authenticity is a rarity,
Amidst all of the fallacies,
Filled to the brim with irony,
And patronizing apathy.

It’s a painful search,
That leaves me questioning my worth,
But I won’t stop looking,
Statistics assure me,
That there’s at least one friend out there, somewhere.
I just have to find them wherever they are.
A friend is as rare as a perfect pair,
And they can be covered with fool’s gold.
How is anyone to know?

I want love. You do too, do we all? No,
Not me, to you. Apparently, I
Don't exist. Do you?

I could feel my love
That I don't have -
This being alone,
Wearing the open air
Like Nakedness.

Vision dressed in
Nobody, not even
I.


Prayers answer every god.

loneliness settles in my bones
burrowing deep into cracks and crevices
slicing deep
as I stare into the abyss
my heart weeps from the pain
the ringing in my ears drives me crazy
let me feel whole for once
not shattered like a mirror in a fight
let me be free from the shackles
the shackles on lonesomeness
I'm a prisoner in my own mind