A few years ago
I was a oddball
and it wasn't cool
to like twilight
or have your uniform
tucked into your skit
it wasn't cool
to have erasers
shaped like hello kitty
in the ninth grade
I was an oddball
but I wasn't alone
I had a friend
my best friend
and she was important
I was an oddball
and I wasn't able to notice
whispers and giggles
behind my back
I was able to notice
the loud noises at home
but I left them alone
sometimes
not often enough

I was an oddball
and my friend decided she had had enough
of being associated with that oddball
and when I needed her
she left
to another group of people
leaving me alone
and suddenly vulnerable
I noticed it then
a bit too much
the giggles in school
the loudness at home
the silence in my soul
the loss of will

you didn't shatter me
not at all
you just shattered a wall
I had built
to tell myself  
that not all people were bad
maybe I would just know one
or two
but you were three
and i lost my ability to lie
to myself
and say everything was alright
because it wasn't
alright
and I couldn't lie
and the sadness
oh the sadness
was a tide
a hurricane
a tsunami
and I was lost
in a war
within myself

I waited
so long
for someone to save me
I waited
for an Edward
or a Harry
or a Dobby
anyone
anyone at all
but no one came
and I was alone
I was so alone

it was depressing
and it took me a while
to realize that I needed to be
my own light
in a world of cruelty
I had started to drown
it was difficult to swim my way out
but I did It
I became my own light
I embraced myself
and I still fight sometimes
with that darkness
the ocean of sadness
but I'm helping myself
because it's true
that in a life of metaphorical darkness
you have to be your own light

it still hurts some days
I still wonder
at 12 am
why was I not enough
because I was sincere
and that wasn't enough
I was honest, and gentle
and that wasn't enough
and I still fight sometimes
with that darkness
that ocean of sadness
but I'm helping myself
because it's true
that in a life of metaphorical darkness
you've got to be your own light