A part of me loves with all of my heart

A part of me hates right from the start

A part of me hides with secrets of the past

A part of me cries for that love that will last

A part of me longs for the passion I once knew

A part of me recoils and only opens to few

A part of me hopes for a brighter tomorrow

But the part that is hidden drowns that with sorrow

A part of me reaches for your loving embrace…

But turns and runs in fear, leaving no trace

A part of me stumbles on words held so high

A part of me wonders if there are any as lucky as I

A part of me trusts….

While A part of me grieves…

So the part you see smiles…

While the other deceives.

Try as I may to forget, it still creeps inside.
Like poison, I can feel it coursing through my veins.
It burns like ******.
It’s eating me alive.
She asks me if I’ve been using my techniques.
She tells me everything is fine.
She tells me to try to remember when it creeps in, that it’s only in my mind.
Easier said than done, when the nightmares that haunt me are real.
Grabbing me and holding me down.
They’re screaming in my ear.
Tap, tap, tap, “hello? Are you still there? We will always find you. We will always be right here.”
Tap, tap, tap, “hello? You can’t ignore us for long. We will only get louder. You know you aren’t that strong.”
Bang, bang, bang, “GET UP! SHES HERE! THE TIME IS NOW!”
Hello again, my unwanted friends…
I’ll silence you, somehow.

I looked at you, looking at her and my heart winced.
Everything I had held onto so tightly was slipping away.
The tighter I clung, the more you danced around my fingers…
Just barely out of my grasp.
I would have given you everything, you know.
In fact, I did.
I gave you all of me.
Every last piece.
Every time you broke, I gave you another piece of me to fill your wounds.
Stitching up your pieces and putting you back together again, and again.
You left yesterday.
You left and went to her.
I can’t help but to scold myself.
I knew.
Of course I knew.
How could someone like me ever be loved?
How could someone like me ever be good enough?
Now all I have are gaping wounds and memories of our love.
6 years I loved you.
Now I don’t even recognize myself.
There’s nothing left to recognize."

I loved you with a fiery passion but I always seem to forget that you are a fish.
My dear sweet Pisces.
Try as I may to cauterize our wounds you never fail to swoop in and extinguish the flame

You were like a breath of fresh air in a room full of poison.
You saved me, gave me mouth to mouth.
Checked the EKG to be sure that everything was fine.
I guess you should have gotten an x-ray.
Maybe then you could have foreseen the internal bleeding.
Maybe then you could have saved my soul.

I watched it falling.
Each perfect snowflake silently being laid to rest.
Forming flawlessly onto a bed of white.
The darkness surrounds me and all I can see is red.
I’ll spill my sins on this beautiful white canvas.
Lie down on the cold hard ground and hope that I too may find perfection among the rest.

And you’ll just write me off.
Pretend that none of it even mattered and that’s fine.
But you know that I know better but I’ll let it go.
I’ll walk with my head held high.
Just know that I miss you, mostly all the time.
And this pain in my chest will slowly **** me and that will be that.
We’ll share a sad smile and we'll part ways
But know that I know better and I wish you could have stayed.

Sometimes the pain doesn’t go away; you just make room for it.
But that doesn’t mean that life can’t be good or that you can’t be happy again.

When the sun goes down and everything gets quiet
The slideshow begins to play
A flashbulb memory of you dancing wildly around the piles of decay
Forever tormenting me and feeding on any bit of happiness that dares to shine through
Shining a light on you kissing her, and me kissing you…
I feel so disgusting…
I feel so used…
I feel so worthless…
It feels as though all of the love I ever gave you was abused…
The light burns my eyes
I’ve been in the dark so long
It hurts even more now that I know this has been going on all along
Did I ever mean anything to you?
Did you ever really care?
Or was I just there to fill the space?
I ask these questions, but the answers I can’t bare…
So many nights spent alone, pining for your love
Looking for just a small shimmer of hope…
Or just one kind word from you to think of…
I don’t have the heart to tell you everything…
What I did while you were gone
Sitting in the dark alone…
Praying not to make it to dawn
I keep these thoughts to myself…
It would only break your heart
After all this is our chance to make it better
This is our fresh start
Still, it eats at me everyday…
Every hour, and every second
I have to wonder if what you say is true
I have to wonder if you really meant it
Are you really ready to come home?
Or was I what you settle for?
Did you come back because you wanted to?
Or did you come back because she wasn’t an option anymore?
How will you deal with temptation?
Will you do it again?
Can we put this all behind us?
Can our hearts ever mend?
Will you make it to the top?
Or is the mountain of guilt too high to climb?
Should I try to move forward with you?
Or am I just biding time?
I’m just waiting for the hurricane to swoop in…
For it to take everything I ever cared for
Leaving me alone again…
I can’t watch you walk out that door anymore…
You are always leaving…
Leaving me behind
Your words forever haunt me
They never leave my mind…
Why would you do this to me?
Why didn’t you offer me mercy before now?
I hate what happened to us…
I want to move forward, but I don’t know how…
I don’t know how to live with everything you have done
Every broken promise ever made
Every lie you have ever spun
How do you come back from that?
How do you crawl out from the debris?
How do you forgive these trespasses?
How do you forgive adultery?

Suddenly I felt myself slipping.
Grasping frantically at any strand of sanity that could be found.
There was nothing.
I was completely and utterly alone.
The silence rang in my ears.
It whispered inaudibly but somehow I understood.
It was like a warm blanket tightly being wrapped around me.
It felt how it use to feel when you held me.
I miss you, you know?
Maybe that’s what love is.
Insanity.