11:32 pm July 4th

I love fireworks.
I feel like a kid on July 4th,
but someone in the crowd was wearing the same cologne you wore, and all of a sudden I could't look at the fireworks anymore.
Instead I was looking for you
wondering if we were looking at the same thing?
I started thinking about "what if's" and "i wish"

I wish I was under the fireworks with you.
What if I hadn't ****** it up?
Would I be under the fireworks with you?

I called you.
We haven't spoken in months, but I had to try
and I practiced what I was gonna say over and over on the way home, if by chance you picked up.

You're all I could think about- Again.

Even though I knew you wouldn't answer, I called.
I tried so hard to be independant.
I tried so hard to not need you.
I tried so hard to be okay without you.
I tried so unbelievably hard not to think about you when I'd rather be asleep
I was good at it for a few months.
I told myself I was okay because "I am my own"

I spent so much time running form that, being afraid to give in and belong to you
But now I know
Its become clear now that I always have and always will.
and I've lost you
you said we have no future together
I couldn't see where I was going anymore, I'd never pictured my future without you ever before, but apparently you had already decided there was no future to envision.

Keep me in your mind as the girl who was so afraid of your love that it destroyed her; forced her to re-create herself with new knowledge of what was hidden from her while she was in the dark.
if nothing at all.
Because I know now
and I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Now every july 4th will mark the day I became a cliche
Because I realized too late how good I had it.

I love you

Veasna Ta Kvak recording
playback
over Chinatown cafe again
while recounting recent events
to journal pages
muddled from frequent
exchanges bag to bag
(Been to Taipei airport, Bali, Vancouver, most
recently)
blind fate
blind fate
shower me with Indian daisies
and photographs of Railway
New Delhi!
Hanoi Old Quarter/
Vietnam monsoon/
evening on balcony/
Darjeeling water boiled
and filtered anti-malaria
golden drink for honeylungs and
spring-soul morningtide
under moonlight canopy
of Avalokiteśvara
the fruitful
Bodhisattva!
English lessons
and future
hourless
comely chimera
in sleep phenomenon
Benares phantasmagoria YELLOW
(near Mata Anandamai Ghat)
speaking to Aghori
prophecy
Kala Bhairava
FIERCE ILLUSORY APOCALYPSE FAMILIAR
WHERE IS YOUR NOOSE?
the Ganges is full of lice and flowers
candlewax melted into holy water
sickness
equal to
harmony & jubilant
eyeclose and mouthcurl.

The future mysteries in
Mexico City poorboy
$2 mystic orb jade green
reflective underneath
dirt now in North American
bottom white four floor house
basement suite coffee table.
Visions indivisible
from the Viridian roundly haze
but surefire in their accuracy
I'm absolute
and universally formed
for the next few cacophonous
decades!

YOU ARE THE BEAUTY OF THE SUNRISE
YOU ARE THE LOVE OF A CHILD
YOU ARE THE RESISTANCE OF A WARRIOR
YOU ARE THE DELICACY OF A FLOWER

My journal
Has blank leaves.
I turn one daily
To press a memory,
Record,
Write a blank verse,
Or leave blank.
Each leaf
Is attached
To the same spine,
Between the same
Covers.
A copyright date
Has yet to be decided.

When you left,
I tore everything apart,
To find my old journals,
And search for you,
My first words of you,
the words you wrote back,
And I found them.
I found them and you're everywhere,
Everywhere in them,
Everywhere in me,
So where are you now?