It’s so weird... discovering how fragile ones mentality is...I have always expressed that it’s ok to need to live for something else when you can’t find the ability to live for yourself. So you do your best to build stability and optimism all while you feel like you are shattering one crack at a time.  So what were to happen if what you are living for is jeopardized? Would you break completely or simply find something else to live for? What if it was the ONLY thing that you could live for in that moment? At times when I cannot bare to live for myself I live for my plants. They would not survive without me therefore I must keep going or they would not make it. The problem for living for something that’s alive is what would happen if that thing were to die? If the petals were to wilt and the stems drop and the flowers fade? What happens when your life has crashed and imploded at catastrophic proportions and the only thing to survive the disaster turns out to be dying? When every thing is going wrong and you are shattering one crack at a time and all you can live for are your plants then a massive crack splits you into a thousand little pieces and the only thing holding you together has began to shrivel along with your mentality. What am I to do now?

It sits in my stomach like a pile of rocks,
chases the beats of my heart until it feels like it might stop,
electrocutes my blood and shoots lightning through my bones,
pours gunpowder on my lungs after a shot right to the chest,  
and inside my shaking limbs
and numbing skin,
my insides are spinning,
an earthquake has just begun.
It grips me
tighter than my hands clasped together,
every muscle straining, every fiber tensed,
and waits,
sharper than teeth clenching on the flesh of what’s left of my humanity,
it waits,
to tear me apart.

In public spaces,
the crowds and faces
squeeze the life out of me.
Watered-down pain,
my teeth make an appearance,
the forced laugh exhales deeply but fails to inhale again.
Its bubbling up, it wants to escape
I don't know how long I can hold it
I'm not that strong
I want control over it
But it consumes me.
I count to three
tell myself I’m okay
“You’re fine
You’re fine
You’re fine”
Still, I can barely breathe.
My eyes I cannot tame,
I hold them back but they betray me,
So I swallow all I can,
engulfing my energy
until I’m able to leave.
In the quiet
I sink in my pillow,
Like a ship at sea caught in a storm,
Filling with rain.
My hand grips over my mouth
I’m quieter than a mouse
The windows are open and crickets are chirping,
and my head tries to disassemble the bomb
alleviate the pressure
of silent breathless screams,
before it explodes.

After the war
My eyes are ****** and burn
and I curl up in a ball
wrap myself tight
let the fan that swirls slower than my pain
dry my eyes
steady my shaking
remind me to take in the air it circulates
when I stop breathing,
when I’m limp and weak and still,
It whispers “shhh”
and lullabies me to sleep.
The sleep won’t last
and I jolt awake with nausea so strong
stomach still churning
head still spinning
chest still hosting a circus
but I am still curled up
the fan still singing.
It rains a little more
until I drift under
to be reminded again the next hour.

Sometimes I think
how peaceful it would be
to have that powerful silence:
my cells would stop dividing
brain would stop lying
I would stop denying
all the pain that has been caused
this is just a reckless fantasy
a way to elude one’s own reality
so I choose not the silence of rest
but the silence of war.
I will keep fighting my war
so no war is created
because of me.

I don’t want to do this
I just want to hide,
just curl up in a ball
while I wait here to die
I don’t know what to say
when you ask me what’s wrong
I wish I could tell you
but I’m just not that strong

the truth is, that
I just don’t feel like living
in a world so judgemental,
so cold, unforgiving
I give it my all
all this world does is take
and it still makes no difference
It’s always the same

I could just disappear
and no one would lose sleep
there’d be someone there
in my place in a week
I just don’t want to do this
I just want to hide
I’m curled up in the darkness
just waiting to die