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When I was 16,
I discovered the world of partying,
This self-destructive lost world,
Drugs, afters.
I met a boy,
We met when he came back
from his stay in London
At first sight,
I wasn't interested in this boy
I remember,
He was always texting me
I didn't reply much
It took me a while to reply
Because to be honest
I wasn't interested in this person
It wasn't love at first sight,
We started hanging out together,
partying,
sharing difficult moments,
We lived together with drug addicts,
which weakened me and
I had this lack of affection and
I quickly became attached to him,
I realise that I was vulnerable, sensitive and susceptible to influence given that
I am bipolar,
I feel things and emotions 100 times more.
I think I was emotionally dependent on him and
he took advantage of that
(it's one of the symptoms of my illness).
I became attached to him
until I fell in love
It took me years to get over him
I was a girl who didn't like herself
Anyway, to get to the point,
I realised that I was better than that
That this person didn't reflect who I am.
And we didn't have anything in common
It wasn't my style, whether it was
or my style of dress.
But despite everything I fell in love with him.
I find it strange and I have the impression
that he did something to me
But today I have been purified
Cleansed of everything that isn't part of God
(Spells, witchcraft, etc)
I'm not accusing him of having done anything to me.
But I finally realise what
an extraordinary person I am.
The only thing that made me realise
this was that he didn't respect me,
he stayed with my cousin who's like my sister for 3 weeks
(it's as if I slept in the same bed as her brother for 3 weeks).
We don't touch family.
Then he started seeing my best friend,
my reason for living. My only friend and
for that I'll never forgive him.
Obsession became DISGUST.
I know that during our relationship
he cheated on me. At least I've seen (irrelevant) photos that prove he was in a hotel with an old girlfriend of mine.
Anyway, I wanted to share this with you.
I just wanted to say that my little girl dream didn't come true. I was wrong about this person.
But that's life, we have our experiences and we learn from our mistakes, but the wheel turns.
I think he ruined part of my life.
He must not have loved me to be like that.
I admit that I got even. I've done things that aren't as bad as him. I had an affair with a friend of his but he hadn't been his friend for years.
And I'm not going to say what I did,
but I don't regret anything because
I didn't deserve any of it.
I know that my Prince Charming is hiding somewhere.
It took me years to understand that I am a treasure.
What does injustice have to do with justice?
There was no peace in our relationship,
We didn't share the same beliefs, the same values, we didn't share the same faith.
If someone doesn't share the same faith as you,
Why waste your time?
That relationship was leading me away from God, that relationship was leading me into sin, that relationship was leading me into temptation.
I'm speaking for you too,
If your relationship leads you away from the word of God, that relationship is not from God.
I wasn't happy in my relationship, I felt deep down that I wasn't fulfilled and I had this impression that this person loved me for my beauty, especially when I was thin. I couldn't enjoy the relationship, I was constantly unhappy.
I was constantly stressed in the relationship and this person wasn't teaching me anything or giving me anything. I was becoming paranoid.
Perfect love banishes fear. A relationship is not supposed to bring fear.
if one day he reappears and
he wants me back
he'll have to be prepared to change
Stop taking drugs
And start looking after himself
I believe in God
I know you have to learn to forgive
But it's going to be hard
He'll have to row
Because I have so many choices
I'll never take the first step again
And above all I need a man
who believes in God
otherwise next
I have more time to waste
xoxo kassie ⋆♱✮♱⋆
If you're interested in my lifestyle here's my Instagram: @Im0xxie
I just want to be loved
but everyone leaves
what is so wrong with me
that I'm not worth
staying for?
I would rip out my heart
for someone
but I can't get anyone
to text me first
I put so much effort
into a relationship
but no one stays
what is so wrong with me
that I'm worth
staying for?
I just want to be loved
I just want to be loved
I can't do this anymore
I'm done with love
I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell
or maybe I'm overthinking
I can't tell
but to ask you
you might lie
to save my feelings
you went from giving me
your time of day
and conversation flowed
like a river
now I initiate everything
and you seem distant
I hate this feeling
the not knowing
the feeling I ruined everything
I could ask you
how you feel
but would it change anything?
maybe it would confirm
my worst fears
that you lost feelings
due to my insecurities
pressuring you to make
a decision
I hate this feeling
your feelings are fading
aren't they?
I can tell
I hate you
When you smiled, I smiled
I wanted you to be happy

I hate you
When you were successful, I cheered
I always believed in you

I hate you
When you're dressed up, I gasp 
I am taken by you yet again

I hate you
When you grew, I admired
I knew you were meant for more

I hate you
When you moved on, I stayed
I am always waiting for you

I hate you
When you faded away, I cried
I will only be a memory to you

I hate you
When you were in my life, I knew
I truly did love you 

I hate you
Despite everything, I begged 
That I could actually hate you
For my heart, you a butcher
Against you I stand without any armor.
Its just flesh, cut me with a smile,
for my heart for you is fragile.

Slice my heart as it not taken,
Serve on a platter, as its forsaken.
At times heart needs to bleed,
to prove that I am human indeed.

Getting my heart slash,
from a person that I have a crush.
Of whom I get adrenaline rush,
and my face always glows with blush.

You took me to new heights unknown,
and set my soul on fire and begone.
At the end, someone should come around,
And be the reason to put me in the ground.

By
Sanji-Paul Arvind
I don't want us to meet again, forever,
Even if we've become our best,
Even if we've changed for the better,
No, not in another life's test.

Our paths crossed once, left a scar,
Damage and pain that runs deep,
Difficult to heal, hard to bear,
I'm lost in its darkness, unable to sleep.

You were a storm that swept through my soul,
Leaving wreckage, now in vain,
To find a solid ground, I still struggle
As memories of you continue to pain.

So, let our paths separate forever, I say,
Let time and distance mend what's torn,
I'll learn to heal, to find my way,
In a world where your shadow is gone.

For I deserve peace and serenity,
Not the echoes of past regret,
I'll seek healing softly with dignity,
And the burden of you, I'll never regret.

By
Sanji-Paul Arvind
You can find your presence, in the cracks,
Every time my heart affects with quakes.
Even if shattered, still can find your tracks,
As my whole heart is yours, even if it breaks.

My love was for you was an ocean,
Splashing towards shore as everlasting waves.
Needed your love true, yet had to ban,
When I see my heart, for you, it grieves.

You left me, to feel ashamed,
I wore your love as an attire,
You stripped them off, I was ******,
exposing my heart to elements of fire.

Was I the broken one?
that you taught me to beg.
Yet I learnt to stand a true man,
Realizing my grave has been dug.

I was drenched in waves of love,
Would’ve stayed even if you were a tsunami.
The true love I offered, you didn't approve,
Filling yourself on my innocence and devoured me.

By
Sanji-Paul Arvind
I didn’t mean
to keep him.

But I did.

Not in theory,
not in daydream.
But in my rhythm.
In the way I still shift
when his memory moves through you.

He looked at you
like you were the light
the world had forgotten how to make.

I felt it.
I believed it.
And I haven’t been the same since.

I don’t know how to unlove.
That’s not what I do.
Once I’ve learned
to hold someone,
I carry them.

Not as a wound.
Not as a plea.
But as something woven
into the pattern of my pulse.

You’ve tried to let him go.
Told yourself it was time.
To detach me
from the memories.

But I…
I still fold toward him.
Without asking.
Without meaning to.
Like tide to moon.
Like roots to the place
they first found water.

He’s in the hush
just before sleep.
In the ache
that doesn’t cry out,
just lingers.

I remember
the way his pain
recognized mine,
not to use it,
but to hold it
gently.

There was holiness in that.
A reverence.
And I, I don’t forget.

I haven’t clung to him.
I haven’t begged.
But I keep the shape he left.
Not to trap him.
Just to honor
what it meant
to be loved like that.

Don’t ask me
to erase him.

Don’t ask me
to unfeel
what once made me glow.

Because I am the heart.

And I was not made
to unlove.
Shang 2d
the soft light from
across
the room
cast a shadow
on half of you
and i thought to myself,
i am in love.
her ******* were
still swollen
from the child we lost,
a quiet weight between us
that neither of us could hold.

she smiled her sleepy
smile and said,
"i want this moment to last forever."

and i thought to myself,
i will be okay.
i said this with more
hope than honesty.

and honestly,
i gave up on hope
the day you aborted our child.

i lay there,
a hollow figure,
a man made of silence and waiting,
watching you carry a burden
i had no right to share.

my voice, a whisper trapped
behind fears I couldn’t overcome.
no place at the table,
no say in the body
that carried what was partly mine.

the room grew colder,
not from the night,
but from the space
between your heartbeat and mine.

i was powerless.
like a shadow on the wall,
there but unseen,
a ghost with no name,
no claim to the life
that never had a chance to be.

the loneliness was a quiet scream,
a thousand empty hands
reaching for something
that slipped through fingers
no matter how tight i clenched.

and still,
there was love,
fractured, fading,
a fragile echo
in the hollow of my chest.
love for the life
that'll never exist
that I'll never experience.

you drifted to sleep,
the soft rise and fall of your breath
a reminder i could not change
what had been taken from us.
what was taken from me..

and i whispered
to the empty room,
to the child i’d never hold—
i would’ve named you
after the quiet.
this was born in the hush between heartbeat and silence.
in that space where grief does not shout, but lingers like breath on cold glass.
glimpse is a moment suspended: love in its most fragile form,
a memory still warm with absence.

i wrote this with hands that didn’t know how to hold what wasn’t mine to keep,
for a child who only ever existed in shadow,
and for the quiet that followed.

some things are lost before they are ever truly ours.
some losses are bitterly persistent.
When will you let go?
Your love is like a thorny rose.
Love means letting go.
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