tomorrow, we duel
(yes, that is pompous to say
- but you once told me my affinity for the dramatic
was something that endeared you to me.
was that a lie, too?)

neither of you fools know quite who you are dealing with.
your mythic ***** has teeth and will bite if prompted.
i don't think you understand what i am capable of.
and i definitely know neither of you recognize how frightfully average you are.

i carved a home out of my own broken bones,
i sang with the freezing january wind,
i walked along highways with nothing to my name but a backpack and an oversized teddy bear.

you do not know half of what i could do
-- and you never will.
you're not worth it.

I have your voicemails on repeat,
To hear you say “I love you” again.
You said that you loved me, and I believed you.
You tell me you’re excited to see me.
You tell me how much you miss me,
How you’re leaving Thursday night free for a date.

Did you know then, that you’d leave me behind?

Because your voice still sounds like it’s mine.

Let us call it
exactly what it is.
 
 
Grand
Grandiose
Grandioso
 
 
gestures that leave me suspended
from a tray ceiling like
 
 
a glass chandelier hanging
on a string of beaded words.
 
 
It's all very
 
 
Grand
Grandiose
Grandioso
 
 
until the
string is pulled
too tight.
 
 
 
Then there will be
nothing left
but glass, beads,
 
 
and broken hearts
on a marble floor.

Look at you go—
you did not leave alone.
You took my sweet heart,
which overflows with love.

You took away my smile;
it's hidden under a bed of thorns.

Look at you go—
you did not leave alone.
My body floats around you.
Remember the way you held me?
My hair still flies
with the Bombay winds.

Look at you go—
you didn’t turn back to see
the blood, the sweat, and my guts
poured out like the sea.

The only words that I speak
are of you leaving me.

The singer wrote her pain on a page,
And sang her songs on a stage.
She was going to be engaged,
Till her boyfriend left in a rage.
She wrote another song,
Feeling like she had been dragged along.
She wished he hadn’t been so headstrong,
Perhaps her heart had just been wrong.
She never quite moved on,
Though she found another guy,
One who truly loved her, one who made her heart flutter,
She still had him in the back of her mind.
One day, she and her new fiancé,
Went on a date, and she saw him with someone new.
She knew it had been long ago,
But when she saw them kiss, her heart fractured in two.
Her fiancé didn’t know what to say,
As she ran away, overcome by pain,
She found herself on a stage; she wanted to flush the memories away,
So she opened her mouth,
To an empty crowd,
And she sang.

They didn’t quite know how to express it, but deep inside, they, too, were afraid of losing someone they love. Pride often stood in the way, a shield built from past pain and lessons learned the hard way. They had always promised themselves never to repeat the mistakes of their past, never to be as vulnerable as before.

There was a longing in them, a quiet desire to know what it felt like to be cared for deeply, to be love like a child for once. But in trying to protect themselves, they may have gone too far. The very walls they built to keep heartbreak out had begun to suffocate those who tried to get close.

They didn’t regret building those walls; they were necessary, a form of survival. But a part of them did wonder, had they shut out the very experience they longed for? The chance to be loved for who they truly were? Perhaps. And yet, even with that bittersweet truth, they carried on, not with bitterness, but with acceptance. For now, that was enough.

N O I R

I know this might not apply to everyone because we all view life through different lenses. But from where I stand,  I believe that It will never fully work between two individuals—who don't share the same perspective and perception in life. I understand that the concept of successful relationships is for  people to meet half way. And it will only work if both sides choose to understand each other even though, each and everyone of us came from different backgrounds, live in different worlds, and somehow found a little bit of common ground. Yet, it will only happen if two of them are patient enough to understand, to listen even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's hard.

But here's the truth: for me, I find it difficult to understand someone, who is far different from a life so unlikely of mine, the rules, principles, beliefs, their way of thinking, it's hard to adjust, to adapt to the world where I don't really fit in. It doesn't make sense to me. I find myself questioning everything. I wonder what's really right? What is wrong? Was it all a habit ? A cycle that has been passed down from generation to generation? I'm pondering,  why is it so hard? Why love, feels like a contract, a negotiation— erasing parts of your identity, to fit in someone's world where I don't really belong.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT, AND THAT'S OKAY.

We all know that the environment where we grew up, is really a sensitive topic and often misunderstood. It breaks us, it hinders us, it builds us, and when two people meet who come from a different world, it's difficult, it's hard, it's like a job— there are many sacrifices also lapses, it's tiring, exhausting. I'm somehow afraid that one day, I will lose my freedom, my principles and values which I uphold, the things I stand for. I don't want to lose myself.

Am I liberated for thinking this way? Being liberated means being free to do everything you wanted, without any restrictions. Not in a modern or wild way, perhaps the fact that I also think of myself, of my own peace, the freedom that I had. For acknowledging differences instead of  forcing people to conform to the pattern of each world. I'm honest about my limitations, of what I think. I am a vocal person. I don't accept everything for the sake of fitting in, especially when it goes against the principles and values I uphold in life. In choosing not to lose myself just to make something impossible to work. Maybe liberation for me is walking away from things that no longer give peace, no longer feels right, even when it's almost everything I wanted.

N O I R.