Stuck under a cloud,
I go about my days,
trying to find,
the non-existent rays.

In a world where sadness
is thought of as weak,
as I am driven to madness,
help I simply cannot seek.

It’s seems as though,
I have nowhere to go,
in my line of work,
your taught to just let it go.

So I stow it away,
deep in my heart,
but now it is back,
worse than the start.

So here I am again,
stuck under this cloud,
spending my days,
trying to find..

those non-existent rays

I used to look at the world and wonder how people managed to not forgive. How they could bear the burden of questioning and guilt and grudge and "maybe it wasn't them, it was me". How could they cling so desperately to that anger, it becomes part of them. It dominates most parts. It takes over.

I used to watch all the fights and yells and screams that were so spiteful they sounded like an "I hate you" but really, they were just a "please don't leave me". I used to observe how hands flew in the air, wanting to pull away but also needing to hold onto something. How lips turned into a kiss goodbye that looked like a "*******" from afar. How features twisted and turned and gave in to the rage or maybe it was the loss. I don't really know.

All I know is that I find myself fighting with bitterness that isn't my own, it's theirs. I find myself yelling out words that mean nothing to me, that break my own heart on their way out, that I could have sworn I once spoke to myself in the mirror. I find myself clawing out my eyes that had seen too much and throwing them at their feet because they don't feel like they're mine anymore.

I wasn't always this angry. I swear I had a heart once. And there's still something there in my chest where it should have been. But it's a bit harsher, a bit more taunted, colored in black and navy and dark red instead of rainbows and whites and light beiges. I think it might be my soul but that too, looks like the blanket we covered my father's body with. Torn. Filthy. Irrevocably stained. And yeah, maybe it wasn't my soul after all.

It's the thing that reminds me to feel that pain everyday like my own dosage of medicine because if I don't feel the pain then I feel nothing at all and that's not good. That's not normal. But I can't be normal anymore and they don't understand that maybe I had never been and maybe the thing that's cut me open had done a **** job at stitching me back together. And maybe all the wounds are contaminated and the disease is slowly spreading through me and there's no way to stop it. Maybe that's why I get it now.

I get how you don't forgive because you can't. Because you're still having trouble forgiving your own self let alone anyone else. How you yell and kick and push people away because leaving has become another loose thread of your soul that's breaking away. Breaking apart. How you judge because you've always been your worst critic and something is always wrong and if it isn't with someone else then it's with you and you just can't afford having another thing being wrong with you. So maybe that burden of grudge isn't as heavy as your heart. Maybe that tear of goodbye is better done by your own shaky hands than theirs. Maybe you were never meant to forgive, only fault. Maybe you should have stopped wondering about the world because now you can't even solve the mystery of your being. You can't make sense of your own self, how did you expect to make sense of the world?

of calculus the man had no good sense
which was plain in the poor syllable count he did
on figuring his abilities dense
an accounting firm wouldn't pay him a quid
yet he professed to being very sum smart
though of genius none could be reckoned
the error in the abacuses bead part
correct numbers of him so beckoned
eleven were employed on each line
over the roof by a digit he went
instead of using the standard ten mine
his sonnet seemed so ungainly of bent
the final total wasn't quite up to scratch
hence his poem not put in the flawless batch

I think everyone has a little bit of schizophrenia.
Maybe it’s just the demons trying to whisper you out of your secrets.
There’s always a reason for the voices.
There’s always reason for the reasons.
The voices talk when my eyes go blood shot. Reality left as soon as I did.
I left when my compassion did.
I keep leaving, its called rebellion.
Can you see it?
I scream it.
I wear it.
I sing it to myself as a prayer.

My rotten prayer.

Join me?
Raise Hell with me?
Lets find my lost compassion while we’re creating yours.
I think we could find the answer to everything if we don’t question anything.

I’ll find the answers, I promise.

I used to know what I stand for
I used to know what I believe in
I used to know what my values were

That was all before I knew you
before I loved you
Now
I don't even know who I am

I lost myself
temporarily... I hope

I'm slowly fading away
Who am I?
Can I find myself and still be with you?
No is the answer
No is my answer
Not now at least

I need space
I need to be by myself figuring out who this self is
I need to let you go
I need to let this love go

Loving you has cost me something
Something that I cannot live without
Something that I need to restore
away from you

Loving you cost me
my identity

I'm going to sick the sickest parts of my mind after you.
Mental illness in a mutt is rabbies.  
Having the same ending,
recovery or death.
To me, there's no difference.  

Ever been hit by a truck?
No?
Okay that's great.

You're currently being attacked by a mutt with a mental illness.
Rabid dogs and getting hit by trucks aren't that different to me.

I know, because I made him.

He grew teeth when I gave up.
He got his bark from scraped knees.
Every hair on that animal's body has a story.

Are you currently being attacked by a dog?
Yes?
Okay, great.

Now I want you to figure out what's really attacking you,
Give that dog a name.

You choked on chariots raw. Red egg yolk suppers, churned of the milk oceans this morning you kept.
The lintel of stone turned toward dusk. Some great dynasty of submissive spirits catering your morning
Out on a cart of muse, forms of heaven cannot even hear you. You are a soporific knot in the tale of your Old womanhood. In this infinite Tuesday morning your small black eyes, like an oil tanker toppling over The intense azure sea- shipwrecked, and lost.

Departing from your childhood you slurp Coca-Cola from a silver straw. From the corner store and inside Winter yawns. There is no face, only strikingly beautiful black hair. The body under you is at home in all
My hand's fingers have to fill. All the clothes that you could carry for the two-way adventure. There are
Never enough bubbles between your lips and the glass bottle you have. Only the score of the whistleblower. And the poor symphony you had prayed for into the dial-tone phone, the deep Wilderness, that stiff forever-ago budding from your coffee cup. Neurogenesis lifted from your Fingerprints and emblazoned into this lump of human ingenuity. The hopeless octave that cut us all short.    

Every short story that was left untold. There are the brief deaths recoiling in your spiritual architecture. The ****** of morphia has bourn me awake. Inside you are often unscathed, vanishing as some of Tonight's parts assemble you, on you blue is a beautiful color. The sweet retreat that gave you life or the bountiful deaths that counted you too cutely by your side. You are the sun in my black coat. Here is my sea, your sea, you'll see.