Don't tell me you love me if you can't say it publicly
Why put THOSE words in THAT order only for them to ring empty?
Ahh, sneaky, sneaky
You didn't think I noticed but I did, walked through the door with it on your right pinky
How'd you let the value you placed on the ring I placed on your finger drop below a hay penny?
Ignored on the ground with hardly a glance cause you "have plenty"
Was that the plan from the start, to pull the shoot early?
We were side by side, we said for all eternity, and you didn't think I'd see?
I know the words needed for that phrase are still in your vocabulary
But they're now spoken differently
Just another thoughtless thought runnin' through a smooth brain, produced automatically
Not calling you dumb, 'cause you've played me for a fool expertly
To speak it comes easy, literally learned at the tail end of infancy
Follow through is a entirely different story
It slips through those lose lips sporadically but it doesn't feel like they're actually for me
Just kinda, sorta vaguely directed in my general vicinity
Even still, to get even that takes a little prompting...unfortunately
They no longer spring forth and sooth this broken heart organically
I can no longer consider it a deep rooted feeling, it's just reactionary
Forget accuracy, this isn't satisfactory
Meanings mean nothing to you and, honestly, I find no truth in your "honesty"
I really wanted my theory on your true feelings for me to be phony
I've never wanted to be wrong so badly
But you prove me right daily and twice nightly
I no longer trigger any desire for intimacy
Fine, I guess, can't force that, it's gotta come around naturally or it doesn't do it for me
But your rejection of literally every attempt and advance from me I'm finding to be too costly
Bye bye confidence, so long ****** identity
Couple years before 40 and I already have to accept there'll be no ****** activity
Haven't been rejected this much through the entirety of my journey to ****** maturity
Feels like a search and destroy mission focused on my psyche
Absolutely crushed mentally and emotionally
And here I was thinking it was I that had an unlovable personality
You forced me to think that about me
Like I'm not even good company
I wish this would have worked out differently
And yet still, what I want even more is for you to agree
How pathetic of me

©2024

Like a drug taken for a quarter century, this writing doesn't help like it use to...
See,
I'm starting to feel like it's working against me
Holding me here in pain and misery
Cleverly disguised as creativity
I use to lie and say it was a way to get rid of all this negativity
But I've spilled so much blood and tears onto stationary
...and not even purely metaphorically...
I should be completely empty
Hell, I think I might be
I think it's moved onto draining my energy
Can I still call this writing therapy?
Is it healthy or does it keep me from a new me?
Holding tightly but in spite of me
Hiding a different side of a complex personality
A new level of maturity
Is it actually helping any?
Today it's hard to say, but maybe
Unfortunately, it's something I'm good at, a skill I enjoy and I don't have many
So I've begun to notice I look at it differently
It was suppose to help me let go of the painful unpleasantry held in many a memory
But it woke a part of my ego that I didn't know would grip so tightly
It might have been a mistake to rely on it so heavily
It's no longer moving along the story
No cautionary tales to learn from because they never become history
It becomes a bookmark that I don't use properly
I never move it to the page I left off on and now, I must admit openly, I'm doing it purposely
I keep the worst of me right next to me, close as a frienemy
All because I notice I DON'T write when I'm happy
And I like to write so I dance around emotions strategically
I don't know if it's anything worth saying but writing is calling and drawing me in closely
A ghostly presence that when I look closely I see my identity
It hasn't always been but is now a big part of me
But does it want all of me?
Can't say either way with any certainty
No AH-HA moment, no clarity, only a death grip on disparity
So I recklessly walk the line of happy and tragedy
Like a DUI test on the side of the freeway, drunken pageantry
Eyes closed usually
No thought of mine or anyone else's safety
Dangerously close to calamity
And I just worry

©2024

I've shut down so completely it's profound and I've now lost touch with reality
What I want to be and what I'll never be eventually co-mingle and become one entity
The blasphemy, the phony sanctimony and hypocrisy blast from me
I try awkwardly to juggle all three, run 'em up the flag pole, wait and see
Hear ye, hear ye...another blunder here for your amusement, come see
Woe is me! An empty plea for pity ******* by a request to be put out of my misery
It's plane to see, at least by me, that I'm my own worst enemy, I'm no friend to me
Bad karma stacks rapidly atop the early onset of senility
Losing my mind was an inevitability but that was my only company
...now it's only me...
The notion that behind every smile you'll find your happy is, in it's self, a fallacy

©2023