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DeAnn Nov 2017
I tend to forget that the pen is mightier than the sword
When I sit down to write, there's a filter with what is and isn't okay to say

It can't be too dark but it can't be too happy either
No, that's not like you. Erase it all
Maybe try a different approach

The filter encases me into social rules and status


Don't interrupt even if you have something you really wanna share
Make sure you smile at everyone because it'll make their day
Only talk when spoken to
Agree with everything they say because they are right

The filter transfers to a physicality stance

You're too fat
Maybe a shake diet for a year could help, but probably not
Don't eat for the next few days
Oh look, your face broke out again. Put on a ton of makeup and maybe it'll look better

My filter has enveloped me into a completely white padded cell with no doors and no windows
I myself am wearing a white jumpsuit with a straight jacket as an accessory

I am a prisoner to my filter
DeAnn Nov 2017
I'm tired
Of caring about others
Neglecting myself
Until I am almost nonexistent
And then trying to find myself

I'm tired
Of getting hurt
Giving myself away
Until I am almost nonexistent
And then having to pick up all the pieces

I'm tired
Of being lost
Looking for all the answers
Until I am overwhelmed
And then I have to wait until someone else finds me, but they never do

I'm tired
Of not being allowed to cry
Trying to express myself through other means
Until I have been drained of all feelings
And then I close myself in because I am afraid of pulling people in with me

I'm tired
Of being afraid
DeAnn Nov 2017
I could pretend to be happy and smile at everything
But that would be a lie
So why do I do it?

There's no reason for me to be happy at everything,
But I don't want people to know my suffering
So why do I hide it?

I can't seem to reach out to people
But that makes me alone
So who can I trust?
DeAnn Apr 2017
When you try to hold it in
And you can't
Trying to understand why
But you can't
Wanting answers that will never be spoken
But why

Trying to get past the grief
The heavy pain in your chest
The emptiness in your heart

Putting on a mask for the world to see
Putting your fingers in your mouth
A subtle hint that you're lying
Deceiving
Holding something back
Something painful

But you can still see the light at the end of the tunnel
*You just can't reach it

— The End —