I stand in the place where I stood before
Thinking of the time that is long gone
I remember how I laughed and cried here
Dreaming for this time to reach the dawn again

I look at the place of my former house
Seeing how fast time went by
I am grabbing myself a handful of dirt
Letting my emotions take over me

This house has been ruined by time
Angering me to take an immediate action
Only dust has left from the place of my lifetime
I throw the dust there to fill the abstraction

today i felt like laying down
and sleeping soundly in the ground

i'd decompose with all the bugs
that died from overdose on drugs

my hips would grind against boney narcs
like pornstars and pervs in a public park

yes, i'd like to be six feet under
singing with drug-induced wonder

I've spent an eternity staring at my own reflection
Trying to find out exactly what made me get here
and I've only ever found out one thing
That my life is absolutely pointless
but I also have a feeling that if I spend another eternity here
I will realize something else entirely

Because I've been having these dreams lately
these vivid, disgusting dreams
in which I know exactly the answer to the question I ask myself
And in these dreams, I don't seem the way I imagine myself to be
when I find out the answer
When I find out the answer
I imagine myself joyful
because why else would I spend eternities
trying to find out why I'm here
if if would not grant me a lifetime of joy?

I seem to be walking quietly around my childhood home
looking at my hands as they rot in front of me
And I'm walking heavily, you see
like I'm being chained to the earth
and I would have to spend yet another eternity
just walking around my neighborhood

I just keep walking until my feet turns into soil
And I turn into soil

I know now why I can't keep searching for something
I will never find

She lay on the ground, dirt collecting on her bones and in her hair.
Feathers and twigs scatter around her as the raven builds its nest.
A gentle breeze stirs up leaves around her.
It never served her to have a heart of gold.

i stare at the ceiling and hours go by.
clocks tsks—
and cars, outside, laugh
lamp paints shadows on the walls
and the chocolate melts
—a flute sings
and winter settles on the floor
the fan hangs still— still— still.
a bear snores in her cave
and baby owls, with their moons, watch—
a river hisses meekly
and crops bow before the night
air chokes on gold
—and crescent yawns
the clock tsks— the clock tsks
i stare at the ceiling and hours go by.
the clock tsks.
the clock tsks—

I am unravelling.
Fragments thin as hair pull away,
Ribboning to a dance of dust.
Of stars,
Or of dirt -
I am unsure,
But there is no weight for breeze or sun,
and yet they hold me gently within their calm.

This garden lays here with me in the center
Languid and lazy, languish all here who enter  

(my feet planted firmly, im now growing complacent, cause the water is cool and sweet when it rains)

The grass sprouts in soft and the flowers are blooming
The daze of the heat here becomes, all-consuming

(though withered stems once stuck out of the dirt, ive noticed the flowers heads are starting to come in)

The warmth of the sun seems to lull and soothe
a slow beating heart, the troubles of youth

(it seems ive neglected to pull up the weeds)

The dirt remains damp from a rain shower long past
It feels cool against my skin, as sleep closes in fast

(but the flowers are coming in so prettily, and i am becoming quite sleepy)