Stomach churning
Knee irking
Weight ballooning
Self-confidence parachuting

Day in day out
It's a scream wanting to shout
A mirror wanting to turn away
As I take in what I am in full dismay

**** me, *******, **** me
**** me - anger talking
******* - spite retorting
**** me - desperation joining the party

Technical confusion
Physical contortion
Emotional intrusion
Personal obstruction

And they roll their eyes to the high heaven
Not enough time to deal with the craven
Searching for a misunderstood form of attention
Staring blankly at a familiar scene panic stricken

Eager depression
Making a concession
Slutty self-pity
Throwing itself a party
Where is the intervention
Can someone please stop the obsession?!

Here, there, nowhere, everywhere
Look and you will find anxiety as your au-pair
Babysitting a overactive imagination
Sabotaging a once gentle loving person

covered in confusion
and blinded
by excitement
trying to find
the middle ground
between
complacency,
enlightenment,
and
always
being frightened

it’s crazy to
think
about
how much
yet
how little
i’ve seen
and done

to think about
how much better
or
worse
i could’ve
become
but where’s the fun?
that **** is gone
it’s charred
beyond
well done

now is real
and here’s the deal
this is how i feel

let’s be us
and don’t fuss,
i just mean
you be you
and i’ll be me
the we
we’ll be
will not
keep us
from being free

but we can
make new mistakes
to share
we can know
each other
if we dare

we can be there
when the other
needs someone
to care

and when
the day
shines
its light on us
when we
look into
each other’s eyes
with your face
next to mine
i hope
we’ll flip each other off
at the same time
so we can laugh
again
about how
in so many ways
we’re the same person
but we could still
teach
each other
a few lessons

and if things
should worsen
i’ll be here
to listen to you cursin’
and however i can
i’ll help you
lessen your burden

freedom is what
we both seem to crave
i’m trying to take the steps
forward
i’ll try
to be
brave

and if you end up deciding
that this is all too exciting
and your current reality
is where you want to stay
and i don’t quite
fit in
to what you
have planned
today
i’ll stand back
and fade away

i just don’t
want to be
in the way

the street signs
are all blurry
and i’m not
quite sure
where i’m going
in such a hurry
but my brakes
are out of order
and i have no choice
but to
keep
moving
forward

I told you who I see,
Because im done blaming me,
And you choose to walk away,
Didn't even tried to stay,
Easy to brush away,
Cause you dont care anyway...

right now
time only serves
to torment me

taking all the best moments
and erasing them
a little bit at a time
until i can barely
recall the things
i used to care about

the world around me
is often
suffocating
making me feel
as if a boa constrictor
is squeezing
tightly around me

i have been crushed
into little
ugly
icky
piles of dust
because of my
inability
to avoid
falling in lust
and the amount of times
i‘ve left my heart out in the rain
it’s just layered
and coated
in rust

i am stuck
on repeat
like a skipping
disk
always taking
a risk
when i find myself
getting too comfortable
then letting
all my progress
go to ****

my brain
is sometimes
kinda smart
but my heart
is the biggest idiot
which is why
so often
i try not to admit
the stupid ****
that hides
deep inside of it

the life i thought i knew
is crumbling beneath me
and i keep falling through
hitting each and every obstacle
that has found its way
into my existence
there’s no point
in showing resistance
i keep falling and falling
but i never
finish
going
the distance

drink in my hand.
laughter fills the room,
as the band on stage cracks a joke.
inhaling the drug fumes.

this addiction is only temporary.
it keeps me bright,
it makes me forget all the weight i carry.
despite what i feel in the next hour.

i make it home,
laying alone in my bed.
those haunting feelings come back to roam.
they will never leave your head.

no matter how many drinks,
the drugs,
all of the parties,
bars…

at the end of the day,
you still feel like you’re shrinking.
there’s no one to lug you back.
your heart isn’t at ease.
there are still scars.

a.b.

i want
to see
the world
before i die

i want to
experience
all sorts
of adventures
and learn
to feel
alive

i spent
my early years
focused on trying
to keep
my mom happy
with me
so there’d
be
no dying

then after
years
being there
for my dad
when he
had cancer
and was really sick
he got better
but for
his mental
health
there was
no answer

moving on
to being
used
and
abused
by men
that were
far beyond
my years
and really good
at spreading
tears

to make me
feel worthless
as they’d
break me
into
a disgusting
pile
of goo

**** those
*******
*******
in my
young
adult
years
that tried
their best
to break me down
to
a
little
gummy worm

sour
yet sweet
but always
squishy
in a way
filled with
a sarcastic
but somewhat honest
lil ****
who thinks
way too much
to ever fully forget
what she
can’t say

and then
i stayed
with
and married
the only
decent guy
i ever
dated

no hatred
but we don’t
feel
the same heat
and the burns
we wish to share
are too
mild
and discreet
to be
hot
and sweet

i want to
move forward
with my life
and the feelings
in which
i’ve participated
but i get
so overwhelmed
thinking
about how much
will
go into
making
the changes
i want to

and it makes me
just feel like
giving up
because
i am trapped
so much
of the time

i won’t be
fully yours
as you’re
just
a little bit
of mine

and time…
yeah, **** time

sand drops
grain
by
grain
as my brain
grows
more insane
and my dreams
are all
of you
and how you’re
close
yet
so
*******
estranged

i am often filled
with dread
when the words
begin to stir
like
there’s
a blender
in my head

i feel paralyzed
like everything else
is just getting in my way
and feeling like
nothing in that moment
is more important
than what i’m
desperately
trying to say

and when the lights
flicker
and dim
until they finally go out
my brain
keeps getting zapped
by what i’m
stuck
thinking about

there are little monsters
with pitchforks
jabbing and jamming
into my skull
until they reach
that meat inside
and they fuel
me up
to full
as i’m
feeling
each direction
my mind
is being
pulled

communicating
in a real
and
honest way
is too hard

trying to
*****
and find those
words
i want to say
is like
attempting
to
find
a tiny needle
in the hay

time is a
tricky
little ****

it sneaks up
so fast
and then
stalls
and makes
the most
brutal moments
last

days just disappear
and they are never seen
or lived in again
and sometimes
it’s that fact
that causes
me to envy them

i’ve been thinking
a lot
about my life today
and it’s been
making me
feel
pretty ******

i’ve done a lot of ****
i shouldn’t have

i’ve hurt good people

i’ve let my impulses
guide me
into dark corners
i never should have visited

and whenever
i know
i’m doing something
wrong
it makes me feel
heavy guilt
weighing me down

and then i
always tell myself
why
it was wrong
and that
i’m not
going to do it anymore

and then
i don’t
for a bit

enough time goes by
that i forget
how bad i felt
the last time
i did it

and i do something
******
and selfish
again

the cycle
never seems
to be broken

it doesn’t end
it only begins
slightly shifts
and
then
bends

i can’t seem
to be happy
for more than
a few days
(if i’m lucky)
at a time
and whenever
i feel like
“this will be the thing that helps me”
it is usually
far from
something
that will
actually
help me

i just feel like
i’m really bad
at making decisions

i get overwhelmed
thinking
there’s no point
in me
continuing
my life

i do nothing
but make mistakes
and hurt
myself
and the people
who
supposedly
love me