#cocsa poems on Hello Poetry

pearl Apr 2020

my blood is on his hands,
but oh,
he got away!
"he's a thief! he's a thief!" i cry
as he runs into the distance
with my innocence in a bag
thrown over his shoulder
i scream and shrill
"there's not enough evidence," they said
but my blood!
oh, my blood!
it's on his hands!

i want to douse him in gasoline and throw matches on him
i will laugh and smile while he screams

#sexualassault #ptsd #crime #cocsa #abuse #trauma #traumatized #**** #blood #proof

pearl Mar 2020

fetish for fear

what he did
two or so years ago
it has messed me up
oh, yes it has
i see no worth in my body
i see an object
a doll

i've fetishized my own fear
oh, god i want to fear you
make me afraid, afraid, afraid
because that's how *** is supposed to be
right?
right?
right?
i'm not supposed to like it
i'm supposed to be in pain
right?

i've fetishized my own fear
that stockholm-syndrome feeling
it wraps its hands around my throat
take my breath
i want to black out
i want to black out

am i ok?
am i ok?
am i ok?
my brain has blended lust and fear
they are the same
i have fetishized my fear

i hate you i hate you i hate you
you RUINED ME

#**** #ptsd #trauma #traumatized #cocsa #nccsa #fear #stockholmsyndrome #*** #pain

pearl Mar 2020

hell

you pushed me into the pits of hell
and expected me
to be able to climb back out

alas, i had no ladder.

#hell #abuse #betrayed #betrayal #sad #upset #**** #cocsa #trust #love

pearl Mar 2020

leave no trace

you were so careful not to leave bruises
you knew exactly what you were doing
so careful not to leave a mark but so insistent
on handling me roughly and reducing me to nothing
you called me such horrible things that day
“****,” you said
“*****,” you said
despite the fact that you forced
your grimy hands on me
you FORCED me to do EVERYTHING
*******
I HATE YOU

i hope you burn in hell. *******

#abuse #sexualassault #cocsa #metoo #**** #bruises #trauma #ptsd #traumatic #flashback

pearl Mar 2020

cutting board

you are the reason
that i sliced into
the flesh of my legs
and left lines
like the ones on mama's cutting board
where she chopped up fruit

but my body isn't a cutting board

#**** #triggerwarning #sexualassault #cocsa #ptsd #trauma #metoo #traumatized #symbolism

pearl Mar 2020

dog

your filthy hands
           gripped on my jaw,
your grimy fingers
                      forcing my mouth open
                            treated like a dog who won't let go of a shoe
                       defiled
                  ruined
dehumanized

#**** #sexualassault #cocsa #csa #ptsd #trauma #triggering #metoo #abuse #vent

pearl Mar 2020

i am scared of the wind

oh, the wind
           it knocks now on
         my sliding glass door
     the same door that causes me to lay awake at night
         the knocking, i don't like it
                                     no, not one bit

is it the wind?
           or is he back?                               has he found me?
                                          is he going to hurt me again?

          i                  the
                 fear
                                        wind

please stop please stop please don't come in
don't hurt me again

#wind #weather #scared #upset #paranoia #anxiety #ptsd #cocsa #victim #survivor

pearl Mar 2020

little lamb

i was
    a little lamb
               and you were
                      a wolf in sheep's clothing
and when i trusted you
         you tore off your wool
                 and dug your claws
                                  into my flesh

be wary of the wolf

#wolfinsheepsclothing #littlelamb #wolf #cocsa #csa #**** #abuse #sexualassault #sad

pearl Mar 2020

my fault

my fault
“well, what were you wearing?”
my fault
“did you not fight back?”
my fault
“you should have screamed"
my fault
"why did you wait to tell anyone?"
my fault
"it just means he thought you were pretty"
my fault
     my fault
           my fault
                 my fault
                       my fault
                             YOUR FAULT.

*******, XXXXXX.

i want to burn you alive

#**** #triggerwarning #cocsa #ptsd #trauma #anger #shame #guilt #sexualassault #metoo

pearl Mar 2020

swear words

god, *******
           i ******* despise you
                          pure ****.
       **** of the ******* earth.
do you understand?
               will you ever
                       understand?
                             the longevity of the pain
            that you've inflicted on me?
when you put your
           filthy
               unwelcomed
                          hands on me
        i want to tear away
the flesh
       and skin
                 where you gripped me


                          *******.

un-*******-forgettable in the most disgusting way a human could possibly fathom

#sexualassault #triggerwarning #vent #ptsd #cocsa #abuse #trauma #traumatic #metoo #swearing