Alone
In a dark
Quiet room,
She lies on the floor.
Guilt swirling through her mind.

"But I'm better," she lies to herself.

The dusty mirror begs to differ
The voices in her head don't approve.
She can't stop thinking about the fat in
Her thighs
Her face,
Her stomach.
She pulls her hair away and
Gives in.

"It won't happen again," she lies to herself.

Alone
In a dark
Quiet room
She lies
In a casket.

My demons don't like
the food that I eat.
They taunt me, sending me
running to the bathroom in defeat.

You are not worthy, they say
as I bow at their request.
That food was no good.
now the toilet bowl is my only rest.

My heart breaks, slowly
and pained tears begin to fall.
I have nothing left to give, I say,
I've already given you my all.

I stand and try without success
to wipe my steady tears away.
Looking in the mirror at my swollen eyes
I remind myself tomorrow is a new day.

Finger down your throat, thinking you might pull up all those words you've swallowed. But the words have wrapped themselves so tightly around your soul, all that comes up is pride. Pride that you swallowed when the words weren't enough.

i have a bulimic personality
taking in
more and more
until
all at once,
i snap,
throwing up words
of regret,
then looking down
at what i've done,
and
hating
myself.

My lover introduced me to a girl named Ana today.
She is an emancipated horror who I am scared to know.

My lover told me he introduced all his exes to Ana, Ana will help our relationship grow
I ask if he thinks I'm fat
All he says is to get to know ana and Things will be better.

I shake hands with Ana and her voice Is intoxicating but I refuse to become addicted
She promises to let me be, only see me when I truly need.
Little did I know her fingers were crossed.

My loved coaxes me to meet with Ana more often
Run with her before school and sit with her at lunch
I hope she joins me for dinner tonight.

My lover praises me and tells me I'm becoming beautiful
But I wonder
Is he praising me or Ana
She's the beautiful one
And I am still fat

My lover tells me Ana made the *** better
As I screamed his name over and over again
In attempts to forget mine
And he loves that I no longer want the lights on when we do the deed
Praying the dark will hide the layers of chub clinging beneath my skin

My lover expects Ana to be with us at all times
I get angry at her and push her away breaking all her rules
And feeling guilty
I hope she'll take me back I learned my lesson
I crawl back to Ana

My lover introduces me to Mia
Says she'll be there for me when Ana fails me
Mia has scars on her knuckles and thin hair
But she promises what Ana denied me
And I gladly wrap my arms around her

My lover tells me ana and Mia are the only friends I'll ever need
I have to agree
My others have left me
My true friends tell me
It was because I was skinnier than them
But now I'm the fattest friend again

My lover is proud of Ana Mia and I
Tells me they've made me perfect
I can finally stop meeting them
I agree
And later that night the three of us rendezvous in the bathroom
To test the scale
And my gag reflex

My lover is angry at me
I've betrayed him with my meetings
He tells me if I don't leave them he'll leave me
Is tired of waking up to find me with my head passed out on the toilet seat

My lover is no longer mine
Left me for a curvy girl
Well that's fine with me
My only true loves are Ana and Mia
And I know they'll never leave me.

My new lovers make me pretty
And tell me I'll soon be perfect like them
I feel beautiful every time I lose the weight
But they make me feel useless when I don't follow their commands

My lovers tell me not to talk to a boy
Explain I'm not thin enough yet
Tell me to **** in my stomach when he looks at me
But I sense no judgement in his eyes
I tell them this is what they've prepared me for
And they scream that I'm not ready and he'll take them away from me
I'm scared to lose them
But I still meet him when I've managed to keep them at bay with leaf

My lovers are suffocating me
Shoving their fingers down my throat and slamming my wrist to the table when I pick up a fork
I'm scared they'll never let me be
Their eyes are hallow
And I can't find their compassion

My lovers are no longer beautiful
I see them as they are
Emancipated lifeless things
Praying for me to join them
They hold out their skeletal hands
Begging me to take them
Their lips are blue and voice raspy
And I want nothing more to run away but I'm stuck in place

I've left my lovers
They're still screaming
Clinging to my back with surprising weight
Hair falling out onto me
Whispering sweet nothings
Then screaming when I don't so as they say

My lover
Is a boy who sees me without fear
Does not scare away when he sees the girls clinging to me
Or the way my ribs jut out when I don't eat for a day
And I trust him every time he tells me
I'm beautiful
Even though the girls are whispering in ashen voices
***** I make you beautiful
Please come back and I'll make you drop dead gorgeous.
But I don't want to be gorgeous if it means being six feet under.

My old lovers are shrinking
Voices drying up every time I sip cream filled coffee
Arms weakening every time I lift the bite of cake to my lips.
They are dying with every meal I eat
Their voices getting quieter the longer I go without listening.
I only hope one day they do die
So that way I don't.

One lover introduced me to a horrendous disease. I'm not going to call them Ana and Mia anymore Because naming them is just a sad way of trying to control them
As if by personifying them We make them less dangerous Like a game or child's story. But this is a disease that killed thousands and almost killed me. One in five girls with an eating disorder die. I was one of the lucky few Don't be the one. Get help.If I can defeat this You can obliterate it. It won't be easy But it'll be more than worth it. Throw away the scale Burn the tape measurer You are more than a number You are beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you different. not a lover Or society Or yourself. Love yourself And others will follow suit. And in case you need to hear it I love you. Beat this I'll be here, Never be afraid to ask for strength. I don't have much But I'll give you all of it. If only to see you wake up in your bed instead of on the floor of the bathroom Stuck to the tile by sweat. To weak to sit up To tired to breath no matter who you are or what you've done No matter your lowest or highest weight Or how many ribs I can see No matter if I even know your name I love you. And if you ever need it I'll be here Just a message away And I promise I will give you all the strength I have just to help you get through a meal. Even if what you need is someone to sit and hold your hand and encourage you to take every bite or someone to tell you that you are beautiful when you can't bring yourself to fully believe it.
So please help yourself and Don't listen to others say "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" because so many things do.
Fresh donuts with coffee on days you don't want to face the light of morning
Pizza with friends while playing ****** video games and watching even ******* rom coms
Thanksgiving turkey
Christmas ham
Hot cocoa with a lover who sees stars in your eyes
But most of all
Life.
Life tastes better than any number.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will never hurt me."
That's the one saying that never makes him feel like dirt you see.
He gets pushed and pulled
Into dark hallways in and out of school
And gets called a "fool"
They seem to like to call him a "tool"
Because he's mentally disabled
Till this day he hates the label
He stables his skin,
For wrist cutting is the only way to Bend
  
For his friend,
She doesn't blend in
For they throw stickers stones
Knowing she is skin in bones
"She" wasn't born this way
And till this day she eats and eats
She stands over the toilet seat on her Knees
They call her "The Bulimic Freak"
85 pounds, "she is weak"

They both say life never seemed so bleak
They get made fun of just because their unique,
At night there parents kiss them on the cheeks
And they tell them,
Sticks and stones may your break bones,
But words will never "hurt you"

Raising is a feeling
I've never felt before
Not one of love
But one of gore.

I can feel it bubbling
From deep inside my chest
An aching need to *****
To give myself a rest.

I know it wouldn't help much
Problems would still be there
But maybe if I focused
I'd stop focusing on despair.

Every soul is experiencing such radical perspectives.
No matter how much you think you understand, you don't.
My
body
aches.
Hating what I've done.
Hating who I've become.
Where did I go wrong?
Has it been that long?
Have I forgot what it means to live but merely i exist.
Whatever the circumstance is I know I will live.
I will fight for health.
We are warriors of light.
In this hollow place.

We must thrive, or we shall die.

silk, lace, im a disgrace.
bruised arms
he said i was
a charm.
drink and drink
until i can't blink.
run to the toilet and puke
i told them it was the flu
kicked and shoved
but i said i was in love
"you're a ****"
its only just a cut
tear stained jeans
tell me its just a dream
welcome to being fifteen

Hey you,
I know your heart is hurting. I know you feel like nobody understands. I know you feel alone in your struggle. I know you're tired of pretending like everything is OK. You tell people you're fine, but on the inside you're screaming out for help. While the world is having their silent night, you're having your silent battle. The thought of tomorrow doesn't bring you joy because you feel your best days were in your yesterdays. Your eyes are heavy, but your soul is peace-less. Dreams only hurt more so sleep has become your enemy. Fear drives your thoughts, not faith. The fear life won't get better. The fear loneliness will never leave your presence. The fear your prayers aren't received. Be thankful for your struggle because it's making you stronger than ever. I know you can't see it right now, but you surviving everything you've been through is going to be HOPE for so many lives. This world needs you. Find the FAITH to keep fighting. It will get better. I love you. Victory is yours.

"Rejoice in your sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." Romans 5:3-4

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." -Isaiah 43:2

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

The peace you're search for, you already have.
-Trent #RehabTime