I was told I was fat.
Shamed for my body, called names and all that.
I learnt to hate myself by them at that time.
They made me feel like being a little curvy was a crime.
So I started working on getting thinner, not for health or fitness though.
But because I thought that way I would be loved and accepted more.
I finally did become slimmer and i was happy.
I slowly started to regain the confidence that they had mercilessly stolen from me.
And just as it started getting a tad bit better, I was shamed for being short.
Couldn't they just let me live my life in peace or what?!
They crushed the little confidence i had gotten back.
Again in their stupid circle of high expectations and "physical beauty is true beauty" I was trapped.
I worked on getting taller everyday.
Crying myself to sleep when nothing worked at the end of the day.
And so they taught me time and time again to hate my body.
And I know I did, I am so sorry.
They said my acne was ugly and it needed to be hidden.
Going anywhere without makeup or not dressing girly enough was forbidden.
"No do not sit like that, talk like this, wear this not that, always smile."
They said these horrible things and silly me, I actually listened for a while.
But one day I decided I did not care.
So what if I didn't have what they called the "perfect figure" or the nicest hair?
I loved myself and that was it.
I was beautiful whether or not they believed it.
It was not an easy fight.
But I think I did alright.
They still say things all the time.
But I've grown to listen to just one voice, mine.

she looks in the mirror
she is so depressed at what she sees
stretch marks everywhere, even though she's never given birth to a child
rolls of stomach fat, which no matter how much she sinks in, won't go away
her thighs touch, there is no gap in between
her face looks swollen, the baby fat came back
her arms are huge, and no not in the strong kind of way
she hates herself

thick girls want to be skinny
skinny girls want to be thick
all girls have something that they hate about themselves
but weren't we all created to be different?
aren't we all beautiful?
can we make it to where body positivity is truly a thing?
who in their right mind made it to where girls have to feel this way about themselves?
because all sizes are beautiful, who gives a **** what they say

When she looked in the mirror all she saw were words like ugly, not good enough, fat.
I silently cursed them for labelling her things like that.
Because of them she didn't think she could be loved.
Because of them she cried for hours until no more tears could come.
She didn't see how beautiful she was.
The most incredible despite the flaws.
She didn't realise she needn't change.
For I had fallen for her anyway.
I knew I loved her more than she ever loved herself.
She despised herself actually, thinking she was worthless.
How would I ever show her I loved her more than this whole world?
They made sure she hated herself so much that she wouldn't even believe my words.
But more than showing her I loved her more than anyone else.
I wish I could show her how to love her own self.

They say be skinny but not too skinny. They say be girly and lady like, for that is pretty.
They say be curvy but only in the right places.
They say always have a smile on your faces.
Who made such rules?
Who were these people so cruel?
Why can't I just be me?
Slowly in my head the truth starts to creep.
They too were never accepted for who they were.
They too were shamed for every freckle, every curve.
It is not their fault entirely, now I see.
They just don't want us to face the hate they had to feel.
In the process of getting the world to like us though, we started hating our own bodies.
Taught to be somebody's instead of somebodies.
Is it alright that they won't let us be ourselves?
Shouldn't they know better since they've been through it themselves?
The world before them changed them, got into their head.
But we must not give in, or the real us will be dead.

If she wore a short skirt or dress then she was doing it to get attention from the boys.
If she wore pants,shirts or had short hair she looked just like the guys.
If she hung out with girls only and no boys then she was "too reserved like what the hell?!"
If she hung out with boys alone then she was "doing it" with all men.
If she liked to play sports she was laughed upon and told to go work in the kitchen.
If she wasn't athletic then she was a 'typical girl, too feminine'.
If she was incredibly successful and a total boss,
she had apparently slept her way to the top.
If she was strong then she was called unemotional "like do you not have feelings?!"
If she was sensitive then that was just the "menstrual mood swings."
If her clothes were revealing then she was just "asking for it."
If she was all covered up then "girl loosen up a little bit."
Like in this society there was no way she could win, she was always wrong.
She was either very shy and quiet or just too loud.
She was either just another girl or helpless and worthless,
Or some kind of *** object.
Good thing she was stronger than all of them.
Good thing she rose up despite the crap they said.
Good thing she was made of fire.
Good thing nothing they said touched her for she was a fighter.

She doesn't dress up for you.
How naive of you to even think that's true.
Her taking a few drinks or wearing a short dress.
Definitely does not mean that it's a yes.
She doesn't take those pictures for you to see and judge.
She does it because she accepts herself, every scar, every bulge.
She wears whatever she wants to wear.
And not so you can stand and stare.
She does everything she does only for herself.
Because she isn't ashamed of her imperfections, she loves them instead.
But God forbid a girl love herself in this society.
For she will then be destroyed by the patriarchy.
Yet she has risen above all the shaming, all the hate and all the horrible expectations they've had.
Do you really think that's so bad?
She doesn't care anymore if you put her down.
She is a queen and her confidence her crown.

Don't you see just how beautiful you really are?
You are like a sky full of the brightest stars.
Your freckles you try so hard to cover all the time.
Only make me wish you were mine.
The curvy figure that makes you worry.
Only makes me like you more, I'm not sorry.
You are not pretty enough you feel.
But somehow yet my heart you always seem to steal.
You don't need the makeup to hide.
I see how even those smiling pretty eyes have cried.
You don't like yourself the way you are.
But you make a spark light up in my heart.
They make you feel worse about yourself everyday.
But it's your choice, so do it your way.
Don't care about them.
Be yourself, my precious little gem.
Be you and don't think of what they'll say.
I promise I'll love you all the way.

Little girl started feeling insecure at the age of twelve, certainly it wouldn't be the last.

At first the voices didn’t get to her, but eventually, the voices got to her enveloping her into an all too familiar embrace that she wanted to escape.

At the age of 13, it was a fresh new start, it was the start of freshmen year,  little girl was actually doing okay but she couldn't help but hear the voices at the back of her head, screaming at her, comparing her to numerous other girls she saw on instagram, on runways and on the hallways, how different in size and appearance she was compared to all of them.

At the age of 14, little girl thought everything was going to change unfortunately for her, it didn’t when insecurities came crashing down onto her like how reality crashes down unto you after reading a good book, when people did not only comment how big she was but they started being more specific about their implications.

Normally, she wouldn't have taken it seriously.
Scientifically, it was normal for her to grow on those areas because, news flash, it's part of adolescence, but for her, it was just another file to add into a file cabinet, she called life. A disorganized file cabinet, she was too exhausted to organize.

14-year-old girl started wearing 2 sports bras at once, not minding how she couldn't breathe, not minding how her lungs were gasping for relaxation and to be able to be comfortable enough to grasp oxygen, but she did not care with how the way her body was begging her to give it oxygen, her body did not deserve to breathe for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl also learned how to skip meals, it was the year in which she learned how to lie about her being full because it would be embarrassing enough to say that she was hungry at 6:30 am in the morning when she basically devoured everything they had for dinner, to at least fill up the gaping hole of emptiness and unsatisfaction she feels when she looks at herself in the mirror and can't a single thing to like about herself.

14-year-old girl also learned how to act, act sick so no one would question her why she threw up all the food she devoured, when in reality she grasped onto her neck, so tightly, choking herself and made her release all the chewed up food they had for dinner, unfortunately it did not release all the insecurities and coped up feelings she kept inside of her, she punished herself because her body did not deserve that satisfaction, her body did not deserve being rewarded for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl told herself to not eat.  Simple.
14-year-old girl told herself that guys wouldn't like her because of her insecurities.
14-year-old girl had to swallow every tear that was made when people made fat jokes at her. That was the only thing she was good at. Swallowing, devouring, being fat. Being such a ******* burden.

Little girl was always so immersed into her body, always investing time to punish herself because she was never what the norms were.

At the age of 15 little girl gave up on caring.

15-year-old girl realized she did not need people's validation on how she should look physically.

15-year-old girl realized that her body is a temple worthy of praise and worship, not insults and comments about how it should look.

15-year-old girl understood the concept of false advertisement.  

15-year-old girl realized that she is lovable, she is worth love and she does not need any guy to show her that, that the only love she needed was love towards herself.

The girl in the mirror likes to scream at me.
She shouts:
"Your acne is gross!"
"Your muffin top needs to go!"
"Your ***** are too small!"
"God, look at your nose!"
in my old mirror, I could hear her.
but now the glass is thicker.
I like to smirk back at her appalled expression
and say:
"yell all you want: I'm not listening."