It's a miracle that when I hit the proverbial wall I didn't split my skull right up the middle and spill it all
Not able to gain full control, a factual portrayal of self betrayal as usual
Once beautiful, evidence of it not admissible, miserable and hypocritical
A little dysfunctional don't ya know
All the scars that don't show are what slow the normal flow
Out of my mind cause its inhabitable, so I turn to a radical but experimental cure that'll baffle the medical field because its all hypothetical
What if I didn't hear my call to greatness or maybe I just dropped the ball
I could make a voodoo doll and place him at the finish line so I could win after all

Instead...

My fall hit terminal velocity before I stained the city streets and still survived impossibly
Low visibility so there's no way to see what's right here in front of me
All the money in the world couldn't put humpty dumpty or me together again indefinitely
They just don't have the technology to put me back the way I otta be
There's a high probability that I live in a realm of impossibly
To actually believe that I could ever be a normal man in this society is lunacy
But do I even want to be a part of this idiocracy? I mean really
But it's easy to get lost at sea, holding on so desperately to a buoy as the waves that represent the calamity of life pummel me savagely
No key to the shackles that bind me
I'll be lucky if luck ever finds me
Try not to give a **** but life always reminds me
So I gouge out my eyes to permanently not see

Now...

It's only darkness as I regress to a familiar residence
A yellow envelope taped to the door, no more light access, only dark witnessed at this address
Under constant duress from the excess stress and an abundance of B.S.
The absences of a conscience is the best plan to make it easier but I must confess
That this chess game is at a stale mate, zero progress
I don't even know what progress feels like, seems like I only digress
But I still obsess over a success that will never be reached due to being far to careless
Nevertheless, I continue the process even though I don't possess any finesse
Like a bull in a China shop, I make a mess of everything with nothing but my presence
So in essence you could make a case that my existence here, by every measure, pointless
And you might be right, at the very least it's a good guess

©2018

I think what hurts the most
is that you are so deserving of love
and I wanted nothing more than to give it to you.

But you did not want it from me...Why?
It is in that moment, I am 8 years old again, and I am shouting

//WHY NOT ME?! WHY WAS I NOT ENOUGH?!//

I have so much love for you that it makes me ache.
It makes me angry. It traps me like an animal in a cage.

Why don't you want it?
Was I too willing?
Too honest?
Or fundamentally, am I just not enough?

Has this all just been a reminder that no one really wants my love? That they settle, if only temporarily, until someone better comes along and they no longer need this placeholder.

How was it so simple and so easy to pretend?
Sure, you never said the words, but your lips pressed against my forehead - your fingers interlocked with mine - we shared sorrows and dreams -
//WE WALKED YOUR CHILDHOOD NEIGHBORHOOD//

How can it be true that it was nothing?
How am I supposed to just forget and accept it?
How could you know me so intimately yet care so little?
How could you?

//OR MAYBE THE REAL QUESTION IS//

How am I still so dispensable after all this time?

We built a wall of memories
Perfect picture painted symphonies
A tapestry of two written in the melody
That seemed to sing softly in my ears

In the cold world
You made a refuge in the dark
I could stay awake just to feel you breathe
To hear that comforting tune you play

You let me hear
The beauty in the harmony
Then sung sweet promises
That made me believe, in destiny

Now all that's left is woeful silence
The beautiful song that my heart chased
Just seemed to fade away
Gone into the midnight like a castaway

When you left me in the darkness
I didn't have the words to say
Nor did I have the things to feel

Now I hear sirens sing for me
A cold hollow call
Discordant in their misery
When you left me underneath

You were also
promising in the
beginning
like political parties,
But as the time passed
the reality unfolded,

Power corrupts them,
But to you, my love, my love
corrupted!