[  ] I can never forgive myself for forgiving you

[  ] All those chances
[  ] All those days
[  ] And yet still you have always behaved the same

[  ] "Forgive him, he's family" is what they would all say
[  ] And I did
[  ] Every. Single. Time.

[  ] You were supposed to be the grown-up
[  ] but somehow, I always ended up being the one who acted grown
[  ] I was just a kid
[  ] And I was the one holding us together.
[  ] It was me bringing calm to your chaos,
[  ] Nursing you when you were sick
[  ] Keeping myself entertained
[  ] Playing with ******* to keep myself from feeling lonely
[  ] Cause you never bothered to grow up and show up
[  ] And even when you did, I still felt alone

[  ] And every time you got it together
[  ] you’d be better for a while.
[  ] You’d laugh again
[  ] act like things were normal
[  ] And make me think you were finally here to stay
[  ] So I’d let my guard fall just enough to believe it.

[  ] Then you'd disappear.
[  ] Or snap
[  ] leaving me again.
[  ] Always blaming myself, always thinking it was my fault
[  ] Also thinking that you didn’t love me anymore
[  ] Leaving me a mess.

[  ] And there I was again
[  ] In a never-ending cycle
[  ] a kid who was forced to grow up fast,
[  ] spinning lies to make you sound okay,
[  ] telling myself maybe next time would be different
[  ] Telling myself and everyone else "he's different this time"
[  ] But you were always the same

[  ] But now I'm grown up
[  ] And I'm tired of giving you chances
[  ] Of giving you my undying love and trust

[  ] Every now and the it replays
[  ] The sentence that got said so often it's written in my vains
[  ] "But hes your dad"
[  ] But I'm his daughter
[  ] But to everyone else that didn't matter
[  ] Because I should have been greatful that at least he was still "around"


[  ] We grew up together, really
[  ] you were practically a child too.
[  ] But with age, I matured.
[  ] You didn’t.
[  ] Even though I know you wanted to.

[  ] So I've finally decided I'm sick of making excuses for you
[  ] I've moved on
[  ] My patience has been used
[  ] But i understand it more now, however i dont accept it as an excuse
[  ] So for now, I made peace with who you are and what you do

[  ] You only get one dad, and I suppose I do love you
[  ] But I'm sick of forgiving you
[  ] Even though this time maybe it stuck

[  ] You have gotten better.
[  ] And I see that you try.
[  ] I know that you feel guilty.
[  ] But how do I know you mean it this time?

[  ] My one wish with all of this
[  ] Is that one day you will finally forgive yourself
[  ] And make peace with the fact that you ****** up.

[  ] Mistakes can fade,
[  ] but they don’t always disappear.

[  ] Like a scratch in polished wood,
[  ] you can sand it, seal it, varnish it with love
[  ] but the grain never forgets.

[  ] And neither does the little girl inside me.
[  ] She’s still there
[  ] stuck in time,
[  ] hoping you’d finally get your act together,
[  ] hoping you’d finally be her dad.

[  ] I’ve grown. I’ve healed. I’ve moved forward.

[  ] But she’s still waiting for the day
[  ] you become the man
[  ] she always believed you could be

I only know
how to write

sad things
sad songs
sad brings along

the anger,
the angst from my teens
my spiritual upbringing
pummeled by dead things
in my soul

my boy only knows
how to love
sad me,
bad me,

contain me
in the rigidity
of the cruelty I imbue
on myself

the capacity
for sociability
has fled and flown
south like a snowbird

I think I’m spiraling
it’s so exciting
knowing that the only
one I want to know
finds me so inspiring

go find another muse
while I tear into
this great deep blue

The wild fury hidden below
Emanating a wicked black flames glow
But this wraith was bestowed
When the fog lifted in the meadows

This demon had finally hit the light
After hiding so long in the dead of night
Like heat, The truth started to arise
From amoung the murky waters of deceitful lies

The fire only seemed to have grown
And its presence soon became known
The apathetic rage had consumed the mask
In which this unearthly flame was latched

The wicked, evil flame
Wouldn't, or couldn't be tamed
Not even the black hole of he abyss
Could hold a hate like this

This ferocious, deprived monster turned a field of emotion
Into a empty, bottomless ocean
Worst of all no one saw the posined knife
That is plaguing such a once joyful life

i saw the flag hang limp in the sweat-burned air
the president mumbled through a teleprompter
while the rich ******* clinked their rosé glasses
and the homeless guy outside CVS whispered “revolution.”

i walked through a walmart cathedral of neon death
fluorescent lights buzzed like dying bees.
a woman cried in the diaper aisle,
not enough left on the EBT
and the checkout kid had eyes like war.

everyone’s got a gun now or wants one.
fear is sold in bulk, 2-for-1.
but joy?
joy costs everything you got
plus shipping.

billboards scream GOD LOVES YOU
but only if you vote the right way
& keep your ****** polite
& don’t kneel too long
unless it’s in church or to capitalism.

trump’s face still floats like a blimp in the sky
bloated with lies, smiling like rot
and no one’s coming to save us.
they’re too busy selling hats,
too busy building walls out of fear

america, you jazz-blasted ghost,
you cigarette-burned lover of a dream.
i still drive your highways like rosary beads
but now they lead to nowhere;
just strip malls, gun shops, & graves.

You’re not making me unsure about me
you’re making me angry, at you
cause I love who I am and how I look
I used to blame myself
but now all I only do for doubting me
is doubting you.

L.C.

tomorrow, we duel
(yes, that is pompous to say
- but you once told me my affinity for the dramatic
was something that endeared you to me.
was that a lie, too?)

neither of you fools know quite who you are dealing with.
your mythic ***** has teeth and will bite if prompted.
i don't think you understand what i am capable of.
and i definitely know neither of you recognize how frightfully average you are.

i carved a home out of my own broken bones,
i sang with the freezing january wind,
i walked along highways with nothing to my name but a backpack and an oversized teddy bear.

you do not know half of what i could do
-- and you never will.
you're not worth it.

I said:
“I think I have ADHD.”
They answered:
“No, you’re just a ******. Get a job.”

So I ran.
In circles.
Around a reality
that never gave me room to breathe—
just fingers pointed and ******* advice.

They didn’t see the war in my head,
just the pupils.
They didn’t hear the silence in me,
just the noise I made.

I asked for help—
they handed me judgment.
I reached out—
they recoiled,
like I carried plague and guilt in my veins.

And then—
years later,
when everything’s burned,
when I wear my diagnosis like scars and proof,
they show up.

With a box.
“Here’s Ritalin. It’ll help.”

Ritalin.
Legal speed.
The same thing they hated me for chasing
now handed over
wrapped in plastic and prescription smiles.

What the **** happened?
Was it the label that made me worthy?
The paperwork that made my scream real?

I was never chasing a high.
I was chasing peace.
I was never after drugs.
I just wanted to understand
why my mind never shut up.

But there was no room for that.
Not then.
Not until now.
Now that the system sees
what I’ve been screaming
the whole
****
time.